Twisted Love

Childhood trauma is linked to sleep disturbances, difficulty with emotions, struggles with social interaction, certain sexual and romantic preferences, and memory loss. The lasting effects of Alex’s and Ava’s childhood trauma impact how they utilize coping mechanisms, approach love, and manage emotion which influences the trajectory of their relationship. Both Alex and Ava struggle with nightly sleep disturbances. While Alex’s manifest as insomnia, Ava’s result in night terrors. Alex also has HSAM—a condition that causes people to remember most things about their life in vivid detail—which further exacerbates his insomnia. He spends most of his nights reliving his memories in excruciating detail. While some of these memories are positive—such as when he first met Ava, or happy memories of a time when his parents and sister were still alive—most of his time and attention is spent combing over the details of the night he witnessed his family murdered. Any memory of Ava’s childhood prior to age nine is completely missing, but through her night terrors, Ava receives snippets of events that transpired during that period of her life. When Alex and Ava open up to one another about their memory struggles, Ava thinks to herself: “How ironic the two of us were sitting here: me, the girl who remembered almost nothing, and Alex, the man who remembered everything” (35). The juxtaposition of Alex’s and Ava’s childhood memories and how they manifest in their present highlights the spectrum through which childhood trauma leaves a lasting impression beyond adolescence and into adulthood.

Trauma can have many emotional effects on survivors, impacting the ways in which people manage their emotions and the emotions of others. For example, although Ava cannot remember her past, it leaves a tainted impression on her present; to avoid sinking into dark thoughts, Ava devotes herself to a life filled with light. She is dedicated to remaining positive, trusting wholeheartedly, and seeing the best in even the worst of people. Alex challenges this philosophy with his usual cynicism during Josh’s going-away party at the beginning of the novel, regarding Ava laughing with her friends: “It was the way she carried herself, like she’d seen it all—the good, the bad, the downright ugly—and still believed in goodness. It was stupid as it was admirable” (17). This coping mechanism is crucial to allowing Ava to function and enjoy life despite the trauma hanging over her like a cloud. She reads about the positive effect of smiles (even faked ones) as a teenager and implements it into her daily life because it’s “better than sinking into a darkness so deep [she] might’ve never clawed [her] way out” (175).

By contrast, Alex’s guarded cynicism limits his ability to connect with others. Not only is his relationship with Ava strained for most of the novel, but his only friends seem to be Ava’s brother Josh, and Ralph, the Krav Maga instructor at Alex’s gym. Most of Alex’s emotional capacity is devoted to anger and vengeance. This coping mechanism is harmful and keeps Alex from moving forward with his own personal recovery. Ironically, he is fully aware of the consequences of his actions but simply doesn’t wish to heal. As the novel states, he “wanted to burn. [He] wanted to bleed. [He] wanted to feel every scorching lick of pain” (63). Only when he develops a deepening sense of intimacy with Ava is he finally able to let go of emotional coping mechanisms that are only prolonging his suffering and preventing his healing.

Childhood trauma can often influence the type of relationships and sexual preferences that survivors pursue as adults. For example, Alex witnessed the murder of his family when he was a child, hidden in a secret room and unable to intervene; because of this helplessness, Alex overcompensates as an adult and tries to control as much as possible. Whenever Ava is hurt, Alex goes to violent lengths (or at least entertains violent thoughts) to avenge her. When Josh asks Alex to protect Ava during Josh’s year in Central America, Alex agrees despite immediately regretting it because when he makes a promise, he “[c]ommit[s] [himself] to them” (19) to the best of his abilities. Due to his over-investment in protecting those he cares about, Alex prefers to avoid emotional connections and potential weaknesses entirely. His rules for sex with women are widely known—no face-to-face contact and no kissing—and he breaks these rules for no one, until Ava comes along. As Alex’s relationship and feelings for Ava evolve, he deems her his only exception; this event signifies the lowering of Alex’s emotional walls and his first step toward healing from his past.

Trauma re-enactment is also a common effect of childhood trauma, and Ava exhibits this through her sexual preferences in her relationship with Alex. Despite the trauma of nearly drowning as a child and her continued struggles with aquaphobia, Ava finds herself excited by the thought of Alex’s darker preferences in the bedroom. Ava enjoys the roughness of her relationship with Alex and trusts him completely (even with her life), so in instances where their sexual escapades involve him choking her, Ava feels invigorated by the experience. Trauma re-enactment can be an unconscious attempt by survivors to heal by facing the same challenges that created the trauma in the first place. By embracing and even enjoying the mock-strangulation at Alex’s hands, Ava is paradoxically taking back control of a sensation that caused her fear, learning to associate it instead with a positive experience that brings her pleasure.