Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World

Chapters 6 and 7 describe two broad strategies to ward off loneliness: first, cultivating a strong sense of self, and second, fostering high-quality connections in various social circles. Murthy draws on a wide range of sources to support his arguments, including allusions. In his section on self-knowledge, for example, he quotes an inscription on the ancient Greek Temple of Apollo at Delphi: “Know thyself.” He then segues to a discussion of Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount, which includes the following phrase: “Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house” (182). Murthy uses these quotes to make two interrelated points: 1) knowing oneself has preoccupied humans for millennia, and 2) gaining insight into others is often easier than achieving self-knowledge.

To illustrate the importance of a strong sense of self, Murthy opens Chapter 6 with an anecdote about Serena, who experienced loneliness during her freshman year at the University of Pennsylvania. This story sheds light on core aspects of loneliness and describes a process of self-discovery that helped her overcome loneliness during a period of transition. For Serena, as for many of her peers, college was her first time living away from home. Being far from family, friends, and familiar surroundings made her feel lonely. Seeing her peers socialize not only exacerbated her loneliness, but also sparked feelings of shame and self-blame, which resulted in negative self-talk. As Murthy observes, loneliness colored Serena’s perception of other students’ experiences, most of whom were likely also lonely: “More than 60% [of college students] report that they’ve felt very lonely within the past year, nearly 30% within the past two weeks” (172).

In addition to shedding light on key aspects of social isolation, Serena’s story provides readers with tools to combat loneliness. Serena sought help from a therapist, who helped her regain her sense of self. However, she still struggled in her interactions with others, prompting her to reconnect with activities she used to love. This, in turn, led her to enroll in a yoga teaching course, which brought meaning and purpose to her life. Keen to learn more about the problem of loneliness on campus, Serena hosted a dinner at an Airbnb to have intentional conversations. The dinner was so popular she hosted one every few weeks, building a strong social circle in the process. Through these various actions, Serena’s sense of self became more defined, facilitating social interactions.

In Chapter 7, Murthy presents high-quality Social Connections as an Antidote to Loneliness. He draws on myriad studies to build his case. For example, researchers at Harvard found that having strong intimate connections was a better predictor of happiness and health than wealth, class, and IQ. As Murthy puts it, “Having someone you can call for help at three a.m. can be a buffer against mental and physical decline” (200). While having close friends wards off intimate loneliness, Murthy stresses the importance of other types of connections to combat relational and collective loneliness, arguing that people need high-quality connections in varied social contexts, from close friends and confidantes to casual friends with common interests, to colleagues and acquaintances. Studies underscore the impact of high-quality relational connections on happiness, such as a study that found rowers produced more endorphins when rowing in a group than rowing alone: “The shared movement, the shared experience, and the shared endorphin high all enhanced the team’s performance at the same time that they bonded the team socially” (204). Studies of the outer circle of connections show similar results. According to Gallup’s 2017 “State of the American Workplace” report, having positive relationships in the workplace is “among the most important factors in employee engagement, alongside personal development opportunities and a sense of purpose” (207). Gallup also found that work friendships can spur innovative discussions that benefit individuals and the team. As Murthy notes, “the social health of workers is closely intertwined with the overall health of the workplace” (207). Despite the known benefits, however, few workplaces encourage or nurture employee connections: The Gallup report showed that only 4 in 10 American workers “strongly agree that their supervisor or someone at work seems to care about them as a person” (207). The same report revealed that the loneliest workers were those with degrees in medicine and law, supporting Murthy’s assertion that a culture of ambition can breed loneliness.

Although studies and statistics pervade Chapter 7, Murthy concludes with a personal anecdote about his community coming together in the aftermath of Hurricane Andrew, which battered Miami in August 1992. Neighbors and strangers helped each other by clearing debris and bringing food and water to people whose homes were destroyed. Murthy uses the anecdote to underscore the importance of social connection—even among strangers. Members of the community not only felt cared for, but also gained courage, confidence, and resilience as they “grew stronger together” (217).