The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

“It was simply easier for feminist women to talk about challenging and changing patriarchy than it was for us to talk about men—what we knew and did not know, about the ways we wanted men to change.”

Patriarchy persists through silence, as expressed in the theme Contributors to the Persistence of Patriarchy. After generations of internalized silence, women find it difficult to speak openly about their intimate relationships with men. Instead, they found it easier to focus on their own equality and liberation and claim their own positions of power. hooks suggests that remaining silent about how patriarchy affects men helps maintain patriarchal culture.

“The unhappiness of men in relationships, the grief men feel about the failure of love, often goes unnoticed in our society precisely because the patriarchal culture really does not care if men are unhappy.”

The major emphasis of patriarchal values is to deny men’s emotional natures. The theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men reveals how this denial contributes to male violence and domination. hooks critiques militant feminism for a refusal to acknowledge how men are damaged by patriarchal culture. Men are denied their right to express their feelings by both patriarchal culture and by a brand of feminism that emphasizes female domination.

“It stands to reason, then, that the masses of women committed to the sexist principle that men who express their feelings are weak really do not want to hear men speak, especially if what they say is that they hurt, that they feel unloved. Many women cannot hear male pain about love because it sounds like an indictment of female failure.”

hooks describes her own struggle with listening to the emotions of men and recognizes that patriarchal values influence how she perceives male struggle. In patriarchal culture, men are discouraged from expressing their feelings; those who do so are considered less masculine. hooks suggests that even liberated women struggle to grapple with their own internalized patriarchal disgust at the display of male emotion.

“I often tell audiences that if we were to go door-to-door asking if we should end male violence against women, most people would give their unequivocal support. Then if you told them we can only stop male violence against women by ending male domination, by eradicating patriarchy, they would begin to hesitate, to change their position.”

This quotation aligns with the theme Contributors to the Persistence of Patriarchy. While individuals are eager to end violence against women and children, they are less willing to examine how patriarchy contributes to these societal problems. hooks suggests that this is partially due to the fact that patriarchy and capitalism are intrinsically linked. Dismantling patriarchy would require a deconstruction of the policies and practices upon which Western society is founded.

“The crisis facing men is not the crisis of masculinity, it is the crisis of patriarchal masculinity.”

hooks rejects the argument that masculinity is to blame for dominating patriarchal values and male violence. She reframes masculinity as an expression of integrity, assertiveness, and kindness. In the theme Partnership Model and Feminist Masculinity, a path away from patriarchy is marked by embracing this new way of thinking about masculinity.

“Boys are not seen as lovable in patriarchal culture. Even though sexism has always decreed that boy children have more status than girls, status and even the rewards of privilege are not the same as being loved.”

hooks exposes the irony of patriarchy, which leaves men victimized by a culture that champions them above all others. This aligns with the theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men. Patriarchal culture denies young boys love, affection, and opportunities for vulnerability. Although it also grants men more privilege than women, patriarchy oppresses everyone.

“Researchers found that boys agreed that to be truly manly, they must command respect, be tough, not talk about problems, and dominate females.”

Patriarchal values are instilled early. Even male infants are exposed to cultural values that limit their emotional expression. This contributes to the theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men. Despite prevailing arguments that not all men commit patriarchal violence, hooks argues that young children are taught problematic values that lead to overt aggression.

“No man who does not actively choose to work to change and challenge patriarchy escapes its impact.”

The theme Contributors to the Persistence of Patriarchy explores how men and women might go about altering the patriarchal status quo. This quotation reveals one of the principles at the heart of hooks’s argument. She advocates for intentionality. While some men may passively reject patriarchal values, the undoing of the entire system requires turning all eyes on the ways patriarchy damages everyone, including men.

“In patriarchal culture women are as violent as men toward the groups that they have power over and can dominate freely; usually that group is children or weaker females.”

Conversations about patriarchal culture often center on either the oppression of women or the projection of male violence. hooks shows that patriarchy also places women in a position of dominator. When individuals lose their sense of autonomy and power, they manifest their pain through the domination of others. This contributes to an ongoing cycle of oppression and victimization.

“Every day women explain away male violence and cruelty by insisting on gender differences that normalize abuse.”

As expressed in the theme Contributors to the Persistence of Patriarchy, women are complicit in the perpetuation of patriarchy and male violence. One of these contributors is silence. Women are taught not to speak about their experiences with male violence and aggression in the home. Another contributor is the internalization of patriarchal values; women justify male violence as an inherent male trait.

“Within a culture of domination struggles for power are enacted daily in human relationships, often assuming their worst forms in situations of intimacy.”

Expressions of power are most prevalent in intimate relationships. As men are denied access to their own feelings and daily confront shame, they enact power through sex and relationships. This is expressed in the theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men.

“Compulsive sexuality, like any addiction, is hard for men to change because it takes the place of the healing that is needed if men are to love their bodies and let that love lead them into greater community with other human bodies, with the bodies of women and children.”

hooks argues that patriarchal culture sold men the message that the love they have been denied can be found through sex. However, the sex that is being sold is not predicated upon caring and loving relationships that are founded in mutual respect. Men seek compulsive sex, which leaves them continuously dissatisfied and searching for more.

“Many men use work as the place where they can flee from the self, from emotional awareness, where they can lose themselves and operate from a space of emotional numbness.”

Because patriarchy is intrinsically connected to capitalism and imperialism, the patriarchal value of work is strongly emphasized. Men are taught that work can satisfy the longing that results from their repressed emotions and denial of self. This aligns with the theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men. The notion that work can provide respite is a myth. Male work relationships are superficial, and power and domination are often expressed in work environments.

“Yet, when men gather together at work, they rarely have meaningful conversations. They jeer, they grandstand, they joke, but they do not share feelings. They relate in a scripted, limited way.”

hooks’s description in this quotation mirrors the reality of many male relationships in any setting. A denial of their feelings means that men struggle to connect with other men and view vulnerability as emasculating.

“No feminists have been accused of ongoing sexual abuse of girl children, including creating a world of child pornography featuring little girls. Yet these are some of the acts of men that led some feminist women to identify men as woman-hating.”

hooks points out the irony that many conservative antifeminists condemn feminism as too extreme, yet patriarchal values contribute to the most extreme and damaging behaviors. As expressed in the theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men, men express cultural values of dominance through violence and aggression, but feminists are admonished for their extremist views.

“Most men have not consciously chosen patriarchy as the ideology they want to govern their lives, their beliefs, and actions. Patriarchal culture is the system they were born within and socialized to accept, yet in all areas of their lives most men have rebelled in small ways against the patriarchy, have resisted absolute allegiance to patriarchal thinking and practice.”

The persistence of patriarchy is predicated upon its own concealment. Patriarchy permeates all aspects of culture, and people are often left without the language to recognize and discuss these structures. hooks reminds those who believe that society requires patriarchy to survive that many men and women function outside the norms of patriarchal values. The idea that patriarchy is an inherent characteristic of human nature is further explored in Contributors to the Persistence of Patriarchy.

“As long as men dominate women, we cannot have love between us. That love and dominating can coexist is one of the most powerful lies patriarchy tells us all.”

At the heart of hooks’s thesis is the idea that patriarchy limits love. As long as relationships are built around power dynamics, the mutuality and connectedness that are explored in the theme Partnership Model and Feminist Masculinity cannot occur.

“One of the ways patriarchal white males used mass media to wage the war against feminism was to consistently portray the violent woman-hating man as aberrant and abnormal.”

This quotation relates to the theme Contributors to the Persistence of Patriarchy. hooks points out that murderers, mass shooters, and serial killers are often characterized in media as outliers, as anomalies with mental health conditions. Yet the reality is that they represent the full manifestation of patriarchal ideals, and the ideologies they represent are rampant in patriarchal culture.

“To always wear a mask as a way of asserting masculine presence is to always live the lie, to be perpetually deprived of an authentic sense of identity and well-being. This falseness causes males to experience intense emotional pain. Rituals of domination help mediate the pain.”

In the theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men, the concept of masking as a way of hiding vulnerability is explored. This quotation reveals that domination becomes a cycle of pain that is never-ending. As men feel they must hide their true selves, they seek solace through exerting power over others. Those who are victimized by this expression of power do the same to others.

“Shame at emotional vulnerability is often what men who are closed down emotionally seek to hide. Since shaming is often used to socialize boys away from their feeling selves toward the patriarchal male mask, many grown men have an internal shaming voice.”

hooks recognizes shame as one of the Contributors to the Persistence of Patriarchy. She argues that many men walk through the world hiding vast amounts of personal shame. This shame is exceedingly dangerous, driving male violence and aggression.

“Healing the crisis in the hearts of men requires of us all a willingness to face the fact that patriarchal culture has required of men that they be divided souls.”

As hooks outlines the Partnership Model and Feminist Masculinity, she advocates for wholeness. She argues that allowing men to explore their whole selves, including their pain and their emotions, is necessary to dismantle patriarchy and end male violence.

“People who learn to lie to themselves and others cannot love because they are crippled in their capacity to tell the truth and therefore unable to trust. This is the heart of the psychological damage done to men in patriarchy.”

The greatest impact explored in the theme Impacts of Patriarchal Culture on Men is the way that patriarchal values leave men feeling disconnected from themselves and the world around them. Constant masking and oppression leave men unable to love with their guard down or fully trust those around them. The need to always be at the top of the hierarchy means that they can never embrace relationships from a place of mutuality.

When men practice integrity, they accept that part of the work of wholeness is learning to be flexible, learning how to negotiate, how to embrace change in thought and action. The ability to critique oneself and change to hear critique from others is the condition of being that makes us capable of responsibility.”

This quotation contributes to the theme Partnership Model and Feminist Masculinity. hooks reframes masculinity as a quality of wholeness. She argues that patriarchal culture denies men the opportunity to engage in self-critique, which she views as necessary to meaningful relationships and to the eradication of male violence. For men to take ownership of their actions and responsibility for their roles in the home and in society, they need to be able to critique and evaluate themselves. Only this will lead to self-awareness.