The Well of Loneliness

At the age of seven, Stephen develops feelings for the bosomy maid, Collins. On the morning she discovers those feelings, she goes to stroke Collins, causing Collins to remark on Stephen’s grungy nails. Stephen attempts to clean them, attracting the attention of Collins’s superior, Mrs. Bingham. Mrs. Bingham is upset that Collins interacted with Stephen in this way and scolds her loudly enough for the whole household to hear. When she does, Collins lies and says Stephen was the one who mentioned the dirt beneath her nails. This causes Stephen to feel “disillusioned” but does not detract from her love for Collins. Later that day, Stephen confronts Collins about her lying. Collins acts as if she had no choice and then kisses Stephen, leaving Stephen feeling nothing but “joy.”

Stephen is so enamored with Collins that she can’t pay attention to anything else. She keeps getting in trouble, but even the punishments don’t dissuade her. Stephen often dresses up like the men she admires and then seeks out Collins. Sometime Collins indulges her roleplaying, but other times she seems annoyed at the intrusion. When Collins shoos her away, Stephen feels dejected and hyperaware that she is “all wrong,” often torturing her dolls in response. One day Collins explains to Stephen that she is sometimes irritable because of her injured knee. She tells Stephen about her fears about having surgery, and Stephen responds by telling her that she wishes she had the injury instead of Collins. This incident makes her feel she understands Jesus, since she sees now why someone would sacrifice for another. She then dreams she is Jesus with a kneeling Collins before her, and that she can transfer Collins’s pain to her body. She prays fervently for a month, but getting no results, she grows angry. She tries to spend as much time on her knees as possible to give herself the same affliction as Collins. Eventually, Stephen reveals her scarred knees to Collins, who does consider what Stephen did “love” but also remarks that it’s “queer” (16). Collins then tells Mrs. Bingham about Stephen’s knees. Mrs. Bingham tells Collins to lie to Stephen and pretend her knees are better so that Stephen will stop damaging herself. Stephen feels Collins is lying but does not want to challenge her.

Collins starts to warm up to Stephen, and Stephen falls even more deeply for the maid. She tries to proclaim her love to Collins, but Collins only says Stephen is being “silly” (18). Every night, Stephen falls asleep fantasizing about Collins and different romantic scenarios involving the two of them.

Stephen continues to spend a lot of time with her father, exploring nature with him. She asks him if it’s possible that she could ever become a man like him. He brushes it off and teases her lovingly. At night, however, he keeps sneaking off to read a book by Ulrichs, an author who postulated that there are more than two genders.

Collins begins a courtship with the Gordons’ new footman and starts aggressively dismissing Stephen. Stephen does not know about the relationship, nor that Collins is shunning her because the footman is worried Stephen will divulge his romance with Collins to the family. Stephen is so upset by Collins’s behavior that she appears physically sick, causing Anna to call in the doctor. One day Stephen sees the footman kiss Collins and she throws a pot at him, wounding his head. She runs away crying and into her father’s reassuring arms. They go to his study and she reveals her feelings for Collins. Her father tells her that he understands her pain but that it will pass. He says he is going to send Collins away and that he is going to start treating Stephen like a boy. He tells her she can always come to him and then “kisse(s) her in absolute silence” (22).

When Anna gets home, Sir Philip briefs her on the situation and the need to remove Collins and the footman from their employ. Anna tries to talk to Stephen about the incident, but Stephen is reticent, only asking her mother not to worry “’cause that worries father” (23). Anna agrees to this request.

Stephen decides she wants to bear her pain alone and therefore does not engage her father any further. Instead, she takes to pranking Collins’s replacement, a timid relative of Mrs. Bingham named Winefred, and crying herself to sleep at night. Anna tries to be more loving toward Stephen now that Collins is gone. They spend a lot of time together but are “no nearer in spirit than before” (25).

Anna and Stephen sometimes drive into town. Stephen doesn’t like dressing up for these trips, but she does like to see how much people admire her mother and how gentle her mother is with those who engage her. She likes to “protect” Anna and guide her about the city. Anna feels this is odd but indulges Stephen. She wishes that Stephen would be more open with her because she wants to “understand her.” On the ride home from town, they both get lost in their own thoughts: Anna about Stephen, and Stephen about many things, from Jesus to Collins. Stephen always feels a sense of comfort when they get back home to Morton Hall.

Back at Morton Hall, Stephen and Anna always immediately seek out Sir Philip. After a few minutes, Anna and Sir Philip often pay more attention to each other than to Stephen, leaving Stephen feeling lonelier than ever. Feeling mischievous, she often invites the ire of Mrs. Bingham, who cleans Stephen nightly and gets her to say her prayers. Stephen usually tries to reject both those activities.

After a few months, Stephen starts to forget about Collins. This infuriates and embarrasses her, so she tries to cast spells in hopes of reigniting her love. This fails, and she soon finds a new passion: horseback riding. She spends lots of time in the stables learning from Williams, the stud groom. Eventually, she pretends one of the horses is Collins in a “last effort to remember” (32).

Much to Stephen’s excitement, she and Sir Philip go to a hunt together. Another parent, Colonel Antrim, comments on Stephen’s being allowed to ride “astride,” since female riders do not typically take that stance. This offends Stephen, who feels she is a good rider regardless of her gender. She shows off a little bit and this causes Colonel Antrim to admit he made his judgement based on his daughter’s riding skills and not on Stephen’s. Sir Philip is visibly proud of Stephen at this moment.

Racing through the fields on her horse, following her father, Stephen is overwhelmed by both the sensory explosion and her love for her father. After the hunt, everyone is impressed by Stephen’s skills, and she wins her “first hunting trophy” (35). She can tell her father is proud of her, and she tries to remain humble in the face of so much praise.

Riding home after the hunt, both father and daughter are weary and happy, though viscerally aware of the temporary nature of this state. Arriving home at a late hour, Stephen is barely able to show off her spoils to Williams before collapsing in her father’s arms. He carries her through the house and into a bath. He asks her if she is happy, and she insists she is “dreadfully happy.” 

Stephen awakes the following day stressed by the engagement she has with the neighbors, Violet and Roger Antrim. While she does not seem to get along with children in general, she especially dislikes the Antrims, since Roger is a “bully” and Violet is “silly.” She has often complained about having to spend time with them, but Sir Philip insists she “have friends of her own age to play with” (39). On the way, Stephen sulks imagining the “idiotic Violet” and the boastful Roger making fun of her for eating too much cake. However, when she concentrates on the gorgeous landscape and memories of her father, she then gives up feeling “resentful.”

Upon arrival at the Antrim’s, Stephen makes a clumsy entrance, and a judgmental Mrs. Antrim greets her. As they head upstairs, Roger pinches Stephen, causing Stephen to kick back. All through the tea Violet serves, Roger picks on his sister and Stephen. He tells Stephen everyone laughs at her for wanting to be a boy and that his mother looks down on Anna for allowing Stephen to go hunting when it isn’t “modest.” He says his father only gave her the hunting trophy out of pity. This sends Stephen into a “rage.” She balls up her fists and tries to fight Roger, but he won’t fight her because she is a girl. Unable to engage him in physical battle, she tells Violet she is leaving and lets herself out.

When Stephen arrives home early, her father demands to know the context. Stephen sobs uncontrollably as she reveals all the comments Roger made. Anna tries to comfort Stephen, but Stephen resists. Anna then brings Stephen to Mrs. Bingham in the hope that Mrs. Bingham can better care for her. Anna and Sir Philip then fight over how to raise Stephen. Sir Philip wants to educate her, but Anna thinks this will exacerbate Stephen’s lack of femininity. They go to bed after checking in on a sleeping and tear-stained Stephen.