The Schwa Was Here

“I’m like that tree. If I stand in a room and no one sees me, it’s like I was never there at all. Sometimes I even wonder if I was there myself.”

The Schwa is used to being excluded and ignored, to the point where he doubts that he has a place in the wider world. His identity is tied to his mom’s disappearance, and he fears vanishing like she did.

“No one ever has anything major to say about me, good or bad, and even in my own family, I’m kind of just ‘there.’”

Antsy relates to the Schwa’s feelings of being overlooked. He feels this way in his social life and with his family. As the middle child, Antsy does not get the same attention as his older brother or younger sister. Antsy feels average and is glad to befriend the Schwa, who is even “more invisible” than he is.

“You said ‘get out of here,’ and ‘don’t move a muscle.’ I can’t do both.”

Antsy shows his wit and boldness when Mr. Crawley catches him in his apartment. Mr. Crawley calls Antsy a “wiseass” for the comment, but the old man comes to like Antsy’s nerve.

“What I didn’t say was how much the nasty old guy was growing on me. I actually looked forward to seeing him, just so I could irritate him.”

Despite their differences in age, social class, and outlook on life, Antsy comes to care for cranky Mr. Crawley even beyond the satisfaction of provoking him. Antsy’s affection shows that friendship comes in many forms and bridges many gaps.

“So who takes care of who?”

After meeting Mr. Schwa, Antsy understands the Schwa’s difficult home life. The Schwa responds, “Exactly” to Antsy’s question, acknowledging that he is his father’s caretaker, rather than vice versa. This quote illuminates the difference in the two boys’ families, and reveals the Schwa’s family dysfunction, which contributes to the Schwa’s feeling of invisibility.

“This scared me, because Crawley gave money like bulls gave milk: not at all, and you got gored for asking.”

Antsy’s colorful figurative comparison shows his puckish sense of humor, which runs rampant through the novel. Antsy is funny and big-hearted; traits that endear him to the reader and demonstrate why he is Neal Shusterman’s favorite character.

“It was their way of putting our friendship to the test.”

When Howie and Ira ignore the Schwa, prompting the Schwa’s anger and “en passant” social clap back, Antsy knows they are asking him to choose between them and the Schwa. This conflict helps Antsy recognize that his friendship with Howie and Ira has changed.

“Can I see what you look like?”

Lexie “sees” Antsy by touching his face and interpreting what she finds there. Lexie’s character is an authentic representation of a person with blindness. Through Lexie, Antsy—and readers—learn about and empathize with the differences between blind and sighted people.

“We were made for each other! Don’t you see? Invisible guy/blind girl—it’s perfect. I even read it in a book once.”

The Schwa is thrilled that Lexie can see him for who he is as a person. He finally feels not only visible but “felt.” Lexie always acknowledges his presence and validates him.

“My dad once told me that people don’t change when they get older, they just get more so.”

Antsy imagines that Mr. Crawley was probably a pessimistic loner even as a kid, and these traits became more concentrated as he aged. Although Antsy doubts that Mr. Crawley can change, he is proven wrong. Antsy and Lexie’s friendship, expressed through their “kidnapping,” helps Mr. Crawley reengage with the world.

“Like Dad said, sometime the little things are the biggest things of all.”

His parents’ fight is superficially about food but more seriously about Mom’s need to find and express herself. Antsy’s observation applies to other elements in the novel. The Schwa’s paper clips, for example, are tiny, but represent important bonds and connections.

“Until that moment I suppose he had been legally blind to the situation, but now it was spread out for him in large print.”

Antsy uses the metaphor of blindness to illustrate that the Schwa had not fully known about Antsy and Lexie’s relationship until Lexie kisses Antsy, making it very clear. Here, Antsy uses a term that describes a category of people with specific visual impairments—legally blind people have a visual acuity of 20/200 or a visual field of 20 degrees or less—to describe the Schwa’s emotional blindness and lack of perception.

“Maybe I just didn’t want to hear it, okay? Maybe I wanted a little bit of both of you. Is that so terrible?”

Lexie admits she knew that the Schwa thought of her as more than a friend, but she selfishly wanted the affection of both boys. Antsy recognizes that Lexie is inexperienced with boys, but he is upset that she did not consider how her actions would hurt the Schwa. Antsy shows his true friendship and loyalty when he chooses the Schwa’s friendship over a relationship with Lexie.

“Touch is a freaky thing when you’re not used to it. It makes you feel all kinds of things.”

Antsy does not “respond the way [Lexie] wanted” when she touches his cheek after apologizing, because he understands how powerfully her touch affected both him and the Schwa (141). Touch is a sign of trust and closeness and can strengthen relationships. Both boys, to an extent, believed Lexie’s touch was meant just for them and meant that she liked them as more than friends. The Schwa feels that Lexie’s touch was deceptive, though she later insists she “always” means it when she touches but that he misinterpreted its significance.

“It means you can stop pretending to be my friend now. You don’t have to feel sorry for me.”

The Schwa wants to “quit” Antsy’s friendship, but Antsy refuses to give up on him. Antsy assures the Schwa that he does feel sorry for him, but his feelings stem from friendship, not pity. Antsy’s honesty is an important part of his friendship with the Schwa.

“Either way, when you got all your eggs in one basket, the basket gets heavy. Maybe the eggs start to break.”

Antsy’s mom describes her discontent as she lives for the family without living for herself. Antsy continues the metaphor, suggesting she get more baskets and spread out her eggs, then realizes she is doing that with her cooking lessons. Antsy understands that Mom is working on expanding her sense of self.

“The universe has no sympathy, and we’re never rewarded for doing things the improper way.”

This comment, dismissing the Schwa’s attempts to be visible as flawed, reflects Mr. Crawley’s starkly pragmatic approach to life. Although Antsy generally disagrees with Mr. Crawley’s coldly practical beliefs, Antsy shows his ability to interpret and apply Crawley’s kernel of wisdom to an emotional issue when he realizes that he will not get the results he wants by yelling at the Schwa on the expressway.

“I will be seen…Nobody can make that disappear.”

The Schwa’s billboard shows his desperation to be seen, known, and remembered as a unique individual, ensuring his visibility in the world. How others perceive us helps establish our sense of self, an important theme in the novel. Ironically, few will see the Schwa’s ad.

“Then I realized that I didn’t want to. Let him have his dream. Let him be like his father just this once, and happily sleepwalk through this.”

Antsy realizes that the Schwa’s billboard is a failure before the Schwa does, but he decides, here, to spare his friend the pain of the truth. In this case, Antsy is not honest but has good intentions. Later, when Antsy decides to let the Schwa know the more serious truth about his mom, he does so also with good intentions because that information affects the Schwa’s life and identity. Antsy’s honesty shows he is a good friend.

“Calvin Schwa, I am so sick of you feeling sorry for yourself […] Stand up.”

The Schwa’s preoccupation with his problems—like his invisibility and feeling jilted by Lexie—dominates his thoughts. Lexie voices her and Antsy’s frustration with the Schwa’s self-pity. Their friendship, fortunately, is strong, and they show their concern by being there for him and through a little tough love.

“‘Welcome to the visible world,’ I told him, gently. ‘I’m really glad you’re here.’”

Antsy comforts the Schwa after he learns the difficult truth about his mother. Antsy recognizes that the Schwa’s outlook on life and himself has undergone a major shift. The Schwa is not invisible, and will not disappear, but the reality of the abandonment is harsh. Antsy’s sensitive comment acknowledges the Schwa’s pain and reassures him of his support and their friendship.

“The way I see it, truth only looks good when you’re looking at it from far away.”

Antsy perceptively understands that truth is an ideal that people say they want, but they then discover that the reality of the truth is often unpleasant. Once you know the truth, however, the pain gradually lessens. Knowing the truth about his mother is painful but liberating for the Schwa.

“The Schwa doesn’t know which is worse—what his mother did, or what his father had done. She left, yes, but he made her disappear.”

Antsy imagines the Schwa’s reaction when he discovers that Mr. Schwa hid his wife’s communications to him. Mr. Schwa erased his wife because of his anger toward her and did not consider, or care, how keeping her letters and calls from his son would harm him emotionally. Mr. Schwa’s actions compound his wife’s abandonment and harm the Schwa’s mental health and sense of self.