The Poet X

“But I stopped crying. / I licked at my split lip. / I prayed for the bleeding to stop.” 

Xiomara remembers experiencing her first menstrual period and buying tampons for herself at the age of 11. When her mother discovered that Xiomara was using tampons, she hits Xiomara across the face and accuses her of having sex, instead of helping Xiomara to understand what’s happening to her body. Out of shame, fear, and confusion, Xiomara cries and prays that both the bleeding of her cut lip and her menstrual cycle will stop, as it is causing her difficulty she cannot understand.

“It happens when I wear shorts. / It happens when I wear jeans. / It happens when I stare at the ground. / It happens when I stare ahead.” 

In this poem, Xiomara acknowledges and confronts the unwanted male attention she receives due to her changing body. At 15, she is only starting to understand what it means to be a sexual being, and the male attention she receives alarms her and makes her feel powerless to convey an impression of herself that feels real. Grown men as well as boys show a sexual interest in Xiomara. As a result, she resents her own body for sending messages of sexuality she does not intend, and she resents the men and boys for making comments that she finds disturbing and unwelcome.

“I don’t want to take / the bread and wine, and Father Sean says / it should always and be only done with joy.” 

Though Xiomara has grown up in the Catholic church, as she matures, she feels less connected to the conservative and judgmental elements of the religion of her parents. When Xiomara asserts her growing independence at church and refuses to take communion, her mother is not pleased. They argue about Xiomara’s decision, and Xiomara uses Father Sean’s words to defend herself, which only intensifies her mother’s anger. Later, Xiomara decides to pretend to take the communion wafer to assuage her mother. She hides it under the pew nervously every time she commits the deception, feeling anxious about both defying her mother and disrespecting the body of the Christ.

“I don’t breathe for the entire three minutes / while I watch her hands and face, / feeling like she’s talking directly to me.” 

After Xiomara shows an interest in the poetry club but expresses confusion at the spoken-word element thereof, Ms. Galiano shows the entire English class a video of a woman performing her poetry. Xiomara is rapt; something about the woman’s performance resonates deeply with Xiomara, and she feels as if her English teacher has given her a gift. This moment marks Xiomara’s first exposure to the potential power of poetry.

“He is an award-winning book, / where I am loose and blank pages.” 

Xiomara uses a literary metaphor to compare herself to her twin brother, Xavier. He attends a gifted school thanks to his advanced intellect, and her parents treat Xavier due to his gender. Xavier is worthy of positive attention, symbolized by his analogy to an “award-winning book,” while Xiomara is to be managed and organized and used for someone else’s purposes. Her ironic use of the word “loose” to describe herself echoes the pressure Xiomara feels to be chaste while her hormones are surging and she is falling in love with Aman.

“He is not elegant enough for a sonnet, / too well-thought-out for a free write, / taking too much space in my thoughts/to ever be a haiku.” 

Here, Xiomara uses more literary metaphors to discuss her feelings for Aman. She equates him to poetry, which conveys the depth of her feelings for him; poetry, to Xiomara, is essential, so this series of metaphors communicates the high value of her relationship with Aman. In English class, Xiomara would have learned about sonnets and haikus, both poetic forms with old traditions and formats; she would have also written free-writes, a practice exercise with no parameters at all. Xiomara’s first experience with love leads her to understand Aman as something original and poetic that does not fit into a category of writing she knows.

“I think it all just seems like bullshit. / So I say so. Out loud. To Father Sean. / Next to me, Caridad goes completely still.” 

Ms. Galiano’s poetry club meets on Tuesday afternoons, but Xiomara cannot attend because she must go to Father Sean’s confirmation class at church. She resents this obligation, especially as she experiences this obligation just as she is questioning her faith in God and the Bible. At this moment, the confirmation class is learning that the story of Eve is a lesson in the consequences of temptation, and Xiomara is offended by the story because her life is currently full of so-called temptations that she wants to experience. Xiomara’s friend, Caridad, reacts to Xiomara’s expression of rebellious antagonism towards the parable of Adam and Eve with shock and fear, knowing that Xiomara’s parents would react badly if they knew about it.

Her center helped young women explain to their parents why they should be allowed to date, and go away for college, and move out when they turned eighteen…also, how to discover what they want to do in life.” 

In this excerpt from a writing assignment for Ms. Galiano, Xiomara writes about topics that are important to her. This assignment is titled “Last Paragraphs of My Biography,” and in this piece of writing, Xiomara reveals the tension she experiences at home and the oppression she feels under the influence of her parents. 

“And I’m so glad he’s changed the subject. / That I answer before I think: / ‘I’m just a writer…but maybe I’d be the Poet X.’”

While walking to the train after school with Aman, Xiomara tries to avoid talking about church. She feels that he will assume she is one of two church-related stereotypes: either she is too religious-minded to “do anything,” or she is a repressed “church freak” (132). When Aman asks her about her interests, and she explains that she likes poetry, he wants to know what her stage name would be. She uses his nickname for her, X, to answer his question.

“Twin doesn’t ask who I’m texting. / Though I know he’s wondering / because I’m wondering who he’s been texting, too.”

Xiomara and Xavier are closer than most siblings their age, and part of their closeness has to do with their being twins. When the twins are supposed to be asleep in the bedroom they share at home, both of them are texting someone else, someone who makes them smile and giggle more often than usual. Xiomara’s intuition tells her that Xavier is texting with someone he likes in a special way, just like she is. For now, both twins respect the other’s privacy, but soon they will both learn the truth about these late-night interactions over text message. 

“I lean back against him, / feel his body pressed against mine. / ‘Drake isn’t the one that I like.’” 

Xiomara uncharacteristically suggests to Aman that they cut class when the fire alarm sounds at school. While discussing their plan to cut classes, she says out loud to Aman what she has been thinking for weeks, foreshadowing an important step forward in their relationship: their first kiss. Xiomara reacts to the kiss with a combination of emotions, and her guilt, excitement, fear, and pleasure all make for several internal conflicts as she reconciles her desires with her parents’ expectations for her behavior.

“I don’t know what they would do / if the person he brought home was not a girl.” 

Xiomara expresses concern on behalf of her twin brother, Xavier, whom she suspects is gay. Both of their parents are conservative and their mother is devoutly Catholic, so Xavier has good reason to be cautious about his sexual orientation. Xiomara worries about how their parents would react if Xavier were to one day be honest about his love and bring home a boyfriend.

“He’s turned me into a fiend: / waiting for his next word / hanging on to his last breath / always waiting for the next, next time.” 

Xiomara compares her intense attachment to Aman to a drug addiction. In this metaphor, Xiomara is able to express how she feels about the pleasure of Aman’s company while communicating the sense of danger and risk that comes with such pleasure. This manner of describing the sense of longing someone experiences when in the thralls of first love suits Xiomara’s urban life; drug dealers linger on the street corners of her neighborhood, so she is familiar with the danger of drugs and the risky pleasures they promise.

“Un maldita cuero. I am a cuero, and they’re right. / I hope they’re right. I am. I am. I AM.” 

After Xiomara finds out that Mami has seen her kissing Aman on the train, she refuses to be shamed by her parents’ anger and disapproval. While her father calls her cuero, “[t]he Dominican word for ‘ho’” (205), and her mother demands that she pray to the Virgin Mary for forgiveness, Xiomara insists to herself and to Xavier that she has done nothing wrong. Though her parents try to make her experiences and feelings seem small and insignificant, Xiomara resists their efforts to shame her, which only makes things worse.

 “How the stinging pain shoots up your thighs. / How you’ve never gritted your teeth this tight. / How it hurts less if you force yourself still, still, still.” 

In order to encourage Xiomara to concentrate on her praying to the Virgin Mary for forgiveness, Mami has put grains of uncooked rice on the floor, which Xiomara must kneel on top of. The pain caused by the hard grains is intended to ensure that Xiomara links physical punishment to the fleeting and immoral pleasures of her embrace with Aman. While Xiomara is kneeling, Mami tells her that all men’s hands are dirty no matter how tender their gestures. After this experience, Xiomara reflects on her experience with three poems, each of which are titled “The Things You Think While You’re Kneeling on Rice That Have Nothing to do with Repentance.” This excerpt is from the last of those poems.

“I push my locker closed and grill Aman before walking away. / ‘That goes for you, too. Thanks for nothing.’” 

After dealing with her parents’ wrath, Xiomara is distracted and withdrawn, and she goes to school with her spirit broken. That morning, in front of her locker, a boy molests her and pretends that it is an accident. Xiomara notices that Aman is nearby and that he has seen what has happened, and she assumes he will come to her defense. When Aman does nothing, Xiomara confronts and threatens her harasser herself and then “grill[s]” (220) Aman for his silence. In her abused state, Xiomara is unable to feel anything except pain and disappointment, and this moment marks a period of stubborn refusal to speak when Aman tries to engage her. 

“His name is Cody. / And the poem was actually for you. / I thought it would be cathartic / to write something beautiful for yourself.” 

Xiomara calls Xavier’s boyfriend “White Boy,” an epithet that reveals her own judgmental side. This racist epithet hurts Xavier, who gently retaliates every time this happens by telling his twin sister his boyfriend’s name. In this moment, Xiomara’s defensiveness is automatic; Xavier has just asked her to write a love poem, and she misunderstands, thinking that he wants to give it to his boyfriend. In her heartbroken and angry condition, she doesn’t see any other explanation and the seemingly tactless request makes her angry. Xavier’s kind and loving response has enough of an effect on Xiomara to inspire her to write a poem about it.

“I’ll redo the assignment, if I can. / And I’ll see you at the club tomorrow.” 

Ms. Galiano has noticed that Xiomara’s performance for English class has declined and that a change has come over her. Out of genuine concern, Ms. Galiano asks Xiomara to speak with her about a grade. During this conversation, Ms. Galiano invites Xiomara to poetry club once more. Even though Xiomara has previously decided to avoid getting in any situations that will cause more problems at home, she decides to skip confirmation class and attend the poetry club meeting instead.

“Us Batista twins have no luck with love. / You would have thought we’d be smarter / guarding our hearts.” 

When Xiomara arrives home and sees Xavier in tears, she learns that Cody, his boyfriend, has ended their relationship because Cody’s family is moving away from New York City. She tries to comfort him, and while offering her support, she expresses her feelings about their disappointment in love. Xiomara may also be talking about their difficult relationship with their parents; though Mami and Papi both show love to their twins, their love is complicated by high expectations and rigidity, teaching Xiomara and Xavier that love is not always simple and safe.

“I lay it across my wrist / and cinch the clasps closed. Her daughter on one side, / myself on the other.” 

For Christmas, Mami surprises Xiomara with a piece of jewelry, and after all of the conflict of the earlier weeks, Xiomara is not sure how to react to the gift. Mami has resized Xiomara’s baby bracelet so that Xiomara is able to wear it now, as a teenager. Xiomara observes her name on one side of the personalized plate and the phrase “mi hija” (my daughter) on the other side. The two sides of the bracelet reflect Xiomara’s dual identity: one part of her is desperate to be herself, and this part of her is in conflict with the part of her that wants to obey her mother and fulfill all of her mother’s desires for her daughter. 

“With Aman’s soft breathing in my ear, / I think of all the firsts I’ve given to this day, / and all the ones I chose to keep.”

Two weeks after Christmas, on Xiomara and Xavier’s birthday, Xiomara accidentally leaves her old leather notebook full of her poetry on the kitchen table. Mami finds the notebook, reads Xiomara’s poems, and is so upset about what she has read that she sets fire to the notebook in front of Xiomara. The destruction of Xiomara’s poetry pushes Xiomara over an emotional ledge and she leaves home, texting Aman for support and then spending the night at his apartment. Xiomara stops them both before they go too far, and she reflects in this poem on her decision to maintain her virginity.

“Silent, silent crying that shakes her whole body. / And I am stuck, and still. / Before I go to her.” 

Xiomara returns home the following day after school and sees Mami in the kitchen. She tells Mami that she thinks that they need to talk and then she reveals that she has brought Father Sean with her, to help them discuss their differences and miscommunications. Mami is overcome with emotion, which temporarily stuns Xiomara into stillness, but she goes to her mother and embraces her. Though they are not yet able to speak the right words to each other, their hug is enough to start the healing process.

“Sometimes Twin and Papi come to the sessions / with Father Sean. Twin wiggles uncomfortably / in his chair. I know there’s a lot he doesn’t say.” 

Father Sean helps Xiomara and her family talk through their issues. Though Xiomara is speaking truthfully with her mother and father about herself and her relationships, she notices that Xavier is not yet able to do the same. Instead of talking honestly about himself with their parents, he chooses to sit in his discomfort for his own reasons. Though Xavier is reticent, Xiomara and her parents are able to make progress on their relationship under Father Sean’s guidance, which suggests that Xiomara does value his insight, though she may doubt other elements of the Catholic faith.