The Phantom Tollbooth

Milo and Tock visit the Word Market. It’s crowded with buyers and sellers. One vendor chants, “Get your fresh-picked ifs, ands, and buts” (45). Milo expresses interest in some fancy words, but they’re too expensive. One wagon sells nothing but letters for people who like to make their own words. Many of the letters are quite tasty—Milo munches on an A and likes it—but some, like Xs and Zs, are dry, dusty, and rarely bought.

A giant bug, the Spelling Bee, introduces itself to Milo, spelling out many of the words it uses. Milo backs away, but the Bee assures him it’s “p-e-a-c-e-f-u-l” (52). The Spelling Bee spells any word Milo can think of. The Bee explains that it was an ordinary insect but decided to get an education, especially as it already was a good speller. A large, well-dressed beetle appears and shouts, “BALDERDASH!” The Spelling Bee warns Milo that this is the unpleasant Humbug, an impostor who claims to know the king but doesn’t. The Humbug retorts that he comes from a long line of nobles.

The two insects trade insults and then blows. The Humbug trips against a stall, knocking it against another, and all the stalls in the market get knocked down. Milo lands atop the Spelling Bee, while Tock gets stuck under a pile of words.

Words are scattered everywhere, and vendors begin to put things in order. For a while, though, their comments are as disorganized as the words they must clean up. One worker cries, “Do going to we what are!” (58).

The police arrive, led by Officer Shrift, the shortest constable Milo has ever seen. About two feet tall and twice as wide, Shrift blows and blows on his whistle, pointing at various people and accusing them of crimes. He finds his way to the Humbug, who’s still brushing himself off from his fight with the Spelling Bee. Humbug insists he was an innocent bystander and points to Milo, so Shrift interrogates Milo, decides he’s the perpetrator, puts on a judicial robe, and pronounces the boy guilty. He asks if Milo wants a short or long sentence; Milo asks for a short one, so Shrift says, “I am.” Shrift then sentences Milo to six million years’ imprisonment. Milo insists that only a jailer can imprison him; Shrift pulls out a set of keys and announces that he’s also the jailer.

Shrift, Milo, and Tock enter the jail and walk along dark, dank stone hallways to a winding staircase that takes them to a downstairs prison area. Shrift locks them into a tall, dark cell and departs. The cell contains another occupant, an elderly lady, “Faintly Macabre, the not-so-wicked Which” (67). Frightened, Milo and Tock back up, but the old lady points out that she’s not a witch but a Which, and she’s harmless.

The Which is great-aunt to the king, and for years her job title was “Official Which,” who chose which words to use and which to avoid during various occasions. She grew miserly and posted signs advising the use of fewer and fewer words until a final sign read “Silence Is Golden” (68). The locals stopped talking entirely, and the country fell into poverty. The king, realizing what happened, threw the Which into the dungeon. Now people talk all they like and often overdo it. The Which realized with remorse that she had done the wrong thing.

The public has long since forgotten about the Which. Milo and Tock want to free her, but she says the only way to do that is with “the return of Rhyme and Reason” (70).

Once, the Lands Beyond were a barren and rocky realm called Null, populated by monsters, giants, and demons. One day, a prince arrived by ship and laid claim, on behalf of “goodness and truth” (71), to Null, where he would build his kingdom. Null’s monsters fought back, and the prince retained only a small port on the coast. Other pioneers soon followed, though, and the prince’s realm, the Kingdom of Wisdom, expanded further into Null.

The prince grew old, but his two sons continued to widen the kingdom until the demonic creatures controlled only the wilderness. One son, Azaz, built Dictionopolis; the other, the Mathemagician, built Digitopolis. Jealous and competitive, they vied for greatness, with each insisting that his strength—words or numbers—was better than wisdom. Their cities, along with others nearby, grew and prospered.

The prince wished for daughters, and one day two infant girls appeared in a basket. He named one Rhyme and the other Reason. After the prince died, his sons split the kingdom but continued to take care of the two young girls. The princesses became known for their wisdom, beauty, and gentleness, and people came from all around to seek their counsel: “Rhyme and Reason answer all problems” (76).

The two kings, by now fighting continuously, often sought out their sisters’ counsel. One day, arguing almost to the point of violence over which was more important, words or numbers, the brothers sought a decision from Rhyme and Reason. The princesses decided that words and numbers have equal value. The people loved this answer, but the brothers hated it, so they confined the princesses to the Castle in the Air. As a result, the kingdom no longer has Rhyme or Reason.

Milo and Tock want to rescue the princesses, but the Castle in the Air can be approached only through demon territory. As well, Milo notes that he and Tock are imprisoned for six million years. The Which points to a button on the wall. They push it, a door opens, and they’re free.

Outside, they encounter the king’s advisers, who hurry them to a royal banquet. They travel aboard a wagon that requires silence: “It goes without saying” (79).

The king’s castle looks like a huge book. The group enters through a door in the base of the binding. The banquet hall is aglitter with finery; attendants stand behind every diner’s chair. Milo notes that the guests include the Spelling Bee and the Humbug, still arguing, and Officer Shrift, busy declaring everyone guilty but happy to see that Milo’s six-million-year sentence seems already to have been completed.

Everyone’s been waiting for Milo, the guest of honor. He’s to choose the menu, and the hungry guests are impatient. Suddenly, though, trumpets blast off-key, and King Azaz the Unabridged strides in and takes his throne. He’s a very large, stout man wearing a long, gray beard, a crown, and a robe embroidered with the letters of the alphabet. He asks Milo if he has any talents; Milo admits that he lacks special abilities.

The Humbug asks for Milo’s choice of menu. The boy suggests a “light meal,” and waiters quickly present platters of colored light shafts. The Humbug asks for something more substantial; Milo asks for a “square meal,” and servers present colorful, steaming squares. Azaz calls for speeches: Milo begins to talk, but the king cuts him off. Each guest, in turn, speaks but only to describe food dishes—hamburgers, pudding, soups—and waiters provide each speaker with the foods they described. Milo gets a pile of language: He must eat his words.

The ministers offer Milo items from their own plates: a “ragamuffin,” a “synonym bun,” and some “just desserts.” The ministers begin to quarrel and end up under the table, fighting each other, until the king commands them to cease. Serving carts appear with dessert cakes made of half-baked ideas, including “THE EARTH IS FLAT” and “IT NEVER RAINS BUT IT POURS.” Milo wraps up one for later: “EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR THE BEST” (91).

Everyone at the banquet is overly full. When the king calls for attention, all the guests but Milo, Tock, and the Humbug rush out of the hall. The Humbug says everyone has left for dinner. Milo expresses shock that they’d do so after so much eating at the banquet. The king starts to declare that dinners must be eaten before banquets, but Milo points out that this, too, is an absurd idea. The Humbug suggests passing a law, offering a reward, sending for help, driving a bargain, and so forth, but to no avail.

Milo gently suggests that the king permit Rhyme and Reason to return to the kingdom. The king agrees but says it’s not possible. The Humbug concurs but adds that it could be done if a boy and a dog drive to Digitopolis, where the Mathemagician won’t agree to the plan, and then drive into the Mountains of Ignorance past deadly demons and climb up a winding, 2,000-step staircase in a howling wind to the Castle in the Air. The princesses must then be escorted back through the same dangers.

The king loves the idea. Milo begins to protest, but Azaz claps his hands, and servants remove the dishes, tables, banquet hall, and the castle itself. Standing in the square, Azaz hands Milo a box filled with all the words the king knows. These words, properly used, will help Milo get through safely. Azaz appoints the Humbug as Milo’s guide. The Humbug doesn’t want this at all, but the king so flatters him that the Humbug completely forgets his objections.

As the three adventurers depart, a crowd cheers for them.