The Last Letter

“Logically, I knew that with the mission over, we’d head home in the next couple of days, or on to the next hellhole. But in that moment, a raw need for connection gripped me in a way that felt like a physical pressure in my chest.”

While he has been able to move on from tragedy stoically so far in his life, Beckett is deeply upset by the death of one of his unit members. Contrary to his earlier statement about not forming attachments, he turns to Ella’s letter to seek connection at this moment and immediately feels drawn to her. That Ella is a source of strength for Beckett before the two even meet indicates The Healing Power of Love and Relationships.

“But Solitude got her name, and her reputation, from the fifteen secluded cabins that dotted our two hundred acres. If someone wanted the convenience of luxury accommodations and proximity to civilization, while still getting away from it all, we were the perfect spot.”

Ella describes Solitude, the bed and breakfast she runs after inheriting it from her grandmother when she passed away. The setting of Telluride, and Solitude particularly, are important in the book—it is where Ella has always lived, and where Beckett eventually lays down roots. The B&B’s name proves ironic; though it is named Solitude, it comes to be the place where both Ella and Beckett find companionship in each other.

“I honestly don’t want to be the center, though. Because what happens when the center doesn’t exist anymore? Everything…everyone falls out of orbit. At least, that’s what happened to me.”

Ella explains to Chaos why she is not the center of her children’s universe. Having experienced a great deal of loss and tragedy in her life, especially the death of loved ones, Ella recognizes the dangers of depending entirely on any one person. Thus, as independent as she is, she tries to foster the same in her children while still being there to protect and care for them as their “gravity.”

“I didn’t break down. Not until New Year’s Eve. That’s when the uniforms came to the door and ripped my strong facade to shreds with a simple sentence: We regret to inform you that your brother, SSG Ryan MacKenzie, has been killed in action. […] When there were no more letters from Chaos, […] I broke.”

Ella manages to stay strong throughout Maisie’s diagnosis and her initial rounds of treatment but eventually breaks down when she learns of Ryan’s death and believes Chaos has met the same fate. Despite Ella’s independence and ability to manage most things in her life on her own, this event shows that she does need relationships in her life she can depend on, even from afar. Although Ryan and Chaos were not present to help her with the daily work of parenting Colt, caring for Maisie, and running Solitude, she depended on their letters as a source of emotional support.

“That’s what men did, right? They left. Ryan had been honest about his intentions, whereas Dad had lied through his teeth. Jeff had been no better, spinning pretty little stories to get what he wanted and running the minute he’d realized there were consequences. The lies had always been worse than the leaving.”

Ella reflects on how all the men in her life have always left. These experiences lead Ella to be mistrustful of men in general, particularly when it comes to romantic partnerships. They also breed in her an extremely low tolerance for dishonesty, irrespective of the reason and context. Ella’s experiences with Beckett eventually soften both beliefs over time.

“Family was a word I didn’t use and didn’t have. Family meant commitment, people whom you depended on—who could depend on you. Family was an utterly foreign concept, even with the unique brotherhood within our unit.”

Beckett reflects that he doesn’t have family and feels no need for any. Beckett’s mistrust of the idea of family mirrors Ella’s mistrust of men, and both fears are overcome via their shared relationship. While Beckett initially balks at the idea of people depending on him, he voluntarily takes on responsibility for both Ella and the children out of a combined sense of duty and love for them.

“‘Don’t let go,’ she whispered. […] ‘I’d forgotten what this felt like.’ ‘Being hugged?’ […] ‘Being held together.’”

When Maisie goes into surgery, Beckett is by Ella’s side at the hospital and is a great source of strength and support for her. Ella’s desire to be held by Beckett at a vulnerable moment shows her character growth. Where in the past she insisted on handling things by herself and refused to depend on anyone, she is slowly beginning to welcome the support Beckett is able to offer her.

“We’re three months into this, and I’m half in love with you without ever having been in the same room. Just give the guy—give yourself—a shot at some happiness, because you deserve it. Or you could wait until January, when I get to randomly show up at your door.”

Beckett, as Chaos, partially confesses his feelings for Ella and suggests that he can offer her the happiness she deserves when he eventually turns up at Telluride. The chapter following this letter sees Beckett show up for Ella and the kids in ways they were missing: He helps out with Colt’s show-and-tell, takes on the responsibility for the logistics of Colt’s soccer league, and promises Ella that he will continue to show up for her and the twins. The letters between Ella and Chaos act as a framing or narrative device, contextualizing or foreshadowing events that follow. In this instance, Beckett does indeed bring Ella some of the happiness she deserves, albeit in a different way than he initially suggested, by lightening some of her solo parenting burden.

“The wins feel really good and let us celebrate what we did right. But the losses, they teach us more. They teach us to see where we can improve […] As you get bigger, you’ll see that it’s not how you handle the wins that make you a good man, it’s how you handle the losses.”

Beckett gives Colt advice after he loses his first-ever soccer match. Colt takes this advice to heart, immediately walking over to congratulate the opponent team’s goal scorer. Colt’s response to this advice shows his inherent fairness of character and his willingness to be molded by Beckett, especially because he is coming to view Beckett as a father figure.

“Honor is a fabulous thing, but sometimes pride can be a lot stronger, especially when you convince yourself it’s for the good of the other person.”

Ella asserts that Beckett is holding back from acting on his feelings for her because he is confusing honor and pride. While Ella is right about Beckett trying to be honorable, in this instance, he is conflating honor with his own low self-worth rather than pride. Beckett does not think he is capable of handling a relationship without destroying it, and this self-belief, combined with his sense of honor, is actually why he is holding back.

“What you’re going through is a nightmare. You have to give yourself a little space to stumble, because you’re right—you’re not one of those two-parent households. So that means you have to take extra care of yourself because you’re the only one they’ve got.”

Beckett advises Ella to take some time for self-care. For years, Ella has been used to prioritizing the children over herself, partly because she couldn’t afford to do otherwise without anyone else to share the load. With Beckett’s arrival, Ella finally has someone who can not only logistically share the work of parenting but who also encourages her to put herself first because he cares for her. Over time, Beckett becomes a true partner to Ella.

“I mean, they wouldn’t even let her see his body. That’s got to mess with her. For all she knows, he could still be alive somewhere, and the military is covering it up to turn him into Jason Bourne or something. It’s messed up.”

Mark discusses how difficult it was for Ella to not even be allowed to see Ryan’s body, let alone be told what happened to him. This is an instance of irony: While Ryan is truly dead, Chaos, whom Ella believes the same of, is not.

“You say you’re bad with people, that you don’t connect, but that’s not who I see when I open these letters. Or rather, who I hear. Someone who can’t connect wouldn’t be so open.”

Ella points out to Chaos that his actions are at odds with his words: He claims he cannot connect with people, and yet he is able to be open and vulnerable with her. This is the general trajectory that Beckett’s character follows, where he moves from a place of mistaken self-perception to recognizing and accepting both his capacity and his desire for connection.

“Where before it had been cold and impersonal, now it had pictures that Colt and Maisie had drawn hanging in various places, like those I found myself staring at on his fridge as I wandered into the kitchen. He’d adapted his ‘neat and orderly’ and let us ‘complicate’ the very space he lived in. Silly, but the pictures calmed a tiny bit of my rampant fear that Beckett would disappear one day.”

Ella notices small changes in Beckett’s environment and feels reassured that he will not actually leave. Ella is slowly beginning to trust Beckett and see that not all men leave. The drawings by Colt and Maisie indicate that a significant factor in this is the children: Ella trusts that Beckett will stay because of how dependable he has been with Colt and Maisie. Beckett, in turn, finds a reason to stay beyond just his feelings for Ella—his love for the twins.

“There was no point trying to change each other, we either wanted to grow or change ourselves, or we didn’t. After you accepted that about someone and still loved them, you were pretty much indestructible.”

Ella reflects on how love means accepting the other person as they are. It takes Ella some time for her to fully practice this in her relationship with Beckett when it is tested: When she finds out that he is Chaos, she initially breaks off her relationship with him. However, over time she remembers the person he truly is, including all that he has been through and how that may have influenced why he lied to her. Ella eventually accepts all of this alongside the good that Beckett constantly displays and welcomes him back into her life.

“But there was no denying that my choice to keep the adoption under wraps was directly impacted by the moments Beckett distanced himself when I asked about his past.”

Although Ella loves Beckett and even trusts him with the twins, there is a part of her that is still wary of Beckett’s distance and secrecy about his past. Part of Ella’s worry is well-founded as she eventually discovers that Beckett has been keeping a significant secret from her: He is Chaos. Her concerns highlight the theme of Building Trust Through Vulnerability and Commitment, underscoring that trust cannot be built singlehandedly.

“I’d always pushed thoughts of Maisie dying to the side, but I also hadn’t thought about her living. My world had narrowed to the fight. My infinity existed within the confines of her treatment, never looking too far ahead for fear it took my eyes off the battle of the moment.”

When Ella learns that Maisie is in partial remission, she is overwhelmed by the hope she is allowed to finally feel. Ella has been so focused on Maisie’s possible death that she has shut out all other possibilities. Ironically, this includes the possibility that her other child may be the one who has a short life. Later in the book, Colt dies in a freak accident the very day after Maisie is declared cancer-free.

“Just saying the words sent a torrent of emotion coursing through me. Pride that Ryan had stepped up. Anger that he’d put himself in harm’s way one time too many. Gratitude that Beckett had lived. But the sadness overwhelmed it all. I missed my brother.”

Ella feels a range of conflicting emotions when she learns the truth about Ryan’s death. However, unlike what Beckett feared, she feels no resentment or hatred toward Beckett for having lived when Ryan died. While Ella does grieve her brother, she also loves Beckett and is grateful for his existence; she does not hold Beckett accountable for Ryan’s death.

“But even after what he’d put me through with his lies, all I felt was an unexplainable connection to the man I loved, who had been there and recovered my brother. In a strange, horrible way, that pain connected us in a bond I was both terrified and desperate to sever.”

Despite Beckett’s revelations about Ryan’s death and Chaos’s true identity, Ella cannot help loving him. Ella and Beckett are deeply connected to each other through tragedy. Both have experienced numerous losses in their lives, which gives them common ground. They are also connected in their grief over Ryan’s death, whom they both loved deeply. While in this moment Ella does not want this connection, this same bond allows them to lean on and be there for each other when they experience yet another shared tragedy: Colt’s death.

“I still loved him—both sides of him—but I’d never be capable of trusting him again. Without trust, what good was love? How could you build a life with someone if you had to question the truthfulness of everything they said and did?”

Ella believes that she will never be able to trust Beckett again because he has lied to her. Ella’s reaction at this moment comes from past hurt she has experienced from the men who have lied to her. However, Ella eventually moves past this precisely because her love for Beckett, and his for her, persists. He continues to show up for her and the twins, and Ella comes to see that she cannot judge Beckett’s dishonesty by the same standards as the other men in her past, aligning with the theme of Building Trust Through Vulnerability and Commitment.

“I bought a tract of land, sight unseen, simply because it came recommended to me. […] I have no idea what to do with it, either. […] Your brother said to build a house and settle down. Now that scares me. The idea of settling somewhere, not starting over every few years, is a little terrifying. There’s a peace that comes with being such a nomad.”

Beckett, as Chaos, confesses to Ella the scariest choice he has ever made. This tract of land connects Beckett to Ella; although neither of them knows it yet, it is the part of Solitude that Ella sold off years ago. It is on this same tract of land that Beckett builds a house and settles down with Ella and their children. Contrary to his assertion in this passage, Beckett is happy and content to settle down here when he eventually does, illustrating his character growth.

“There are ten thousand ways to blame Ryan’s death on someone. It’s my parents’ fault for dying, for changing his life that way. My grandmother for not putting up a bigger fight when he wanted to enlist. Terrorists for making him feel like he needed to get out there and do something. Me, because I prayed for so long that he’d come home without detailing what condition I wanted him in. But none of that matters.”

Ella tells Beckett that she does not blame him for Ryan’s death. With all that Beckett has experienced growing up, he tends to place more responsibility on himself for events around him than is actually fair. Just as he blames himself for his mother’s neglect and lack of love, he blames himself for Ryan’s death. Ella, however, points out the error in Beckett’s thinking. Ella’s constant understanding and acceptance of Beckett is what allows him to truly experience The Healing Power of Love and Relationships throughout the book.

“He handed me a white envelope with Beckett’s handwriting on it. It was addressed to me. ‘What is this?’ I asked, peeling back the paper. ‘Don’t read it yet. Now isn’t the time. Some of the guys asked me to keep their last letters. I kept Mac’s for Gentry, and I kept Gentry’s for you.’”

Captain Donahue hands over Beckett’s last letter, which was addressed to Ella, before the unit ships out of Telluride after Colt’s funeral. As hinted at in the title, letters are an important part of the story, and there are multiple last letters that carry significance in the book. Ryan’s last letter brings Beckett to Ella, Ella’s unanswered last letters to Chaos break her heart, and Beckett’s last letter to her eventually heals it again as she sees in it proof that he has loved her all along.