The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violence

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 1997

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Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapters 1-3

Chapters 4-6

Chapters 7-9

Chapters 10-12

Chapters 13-15

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

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Discussion Questions

Chapters 10-12Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapter 10 Summary: “Intimate Enemies”

Domestic homicides are the most predictable and preventable of murders. There are always available PINs, as people in a would-be victim’s life are often aware of their experiences in advance of a murder. Spousal homicide is often called a “crime of passion,” but de Becker argues this is a strategic courtroom defense. Most men who kill the object of their former affection are in control of themselves during their murder. For example, de Becker writes that O.J. Simpson had been slowly killing his ex-wife Nicole Brown for years, and finally succeeded on the night she bled to death on the steps of her home.

Though many women are killed while sharing a household with their abuser, they statistically become most vulnerable after they leave, as escape escalates stalking and potential for violence. De Becker declares the first time a person is hit, they are a victim, and every time thereafter, they are a volunteer. This emphasis is not to suggest complicity, but to empower women to recognize staying and leaving as choices—with escape being possible. De Becker declares women need comprehensive, informed support to ensure safety after leaving. Thus, he is critical of the go-to recommendation to acquire a restraining order against an abuser. Abusers seek to control their victims, so when a restraining order is granted, many become enraged; they often feel justified in pursuing violence. The greater a pursuer’s attachment to their victim, the more incendiary a restraining order can be; it can also give the victim a false sense of security. De Becker only recommends a restraining order should a person be able to safely cut contact or dissuade further pursuit.

Chapter 11 Summary: “I Was Trying to Let Him Down Easy”

America’s harmful culture surrounding heteronormative romance fuels inappropriate behavior, especially from men: They are often taught that women enjoy their attention, and that those who reject advances are simply “playing hard to get.” Instances in which women, either fearful or frustrated, give in to attention reinforce the idea that persistence is rewarded. In turn, women are taught that a pursuer’s persistence is inherently romantic. Instead, they should understand undesired persistence as an attempt at control. As many men misconstrue courtesy as indecision, women should reject the idea that being assertive is equivalent to being rude. Pursuers are not entitled to explanations, nor should explanations be given: They allow a pursuer to believe they can make changes or provide conditional promises to continue “wooing” a woman. Disinterest should be expressed explicitly, once, without further contact. Overall, de Becker believes a cultural change is necessary, as the normalization and perpetuation of gender stereotypes allow pursuers to persist. Women should feel respected in their decisions, with de Becker advising honing intuition before accepting advances.

Chapter 12 Summary: “Fear of Children”

People killed by young children are often killed by known children in accidental or secondary murders related to self-defense. Those killed by unknown children are often killed by teenagers. Statistically, these homicides often occur during crimes like robbery, with the teenagers involved almost always being under the influence of substances. However, teenagers who commit mass murder are similar to the killers later discussed in Chapter 13. These individuals act violently in part because they feel their anonymity and mediocrity can be “corrected” with public gestures. De Becker notes the potentially debilitating influence of social media on adolescents and young adults, but his primary concern is the influence of physical, social isolation. A loving home life is the greatest indicator of happiness for young children, with love’s antithesis being the greatest predictor of future violence. However, troubled children can be helped with adult intervention and praise. De Becker speaks from experience, saying it does not take much to change the trajectory of a young person’s path. Overall, adults are responsible for protecting children from dangerous adults and children. Where a school may perform background checks for employees, they often fail to heed warnings regarding troubled children. It is negligent to disregard children as too young to conceive or commit violence. Thus, de Becker encourages guardians to investigate their children’s schools’ safety procedures and address any unsatisfactory elements.

Chapters 10-12 Analysis

In the 1980s-1990s, infamous crimes committed by teenagers were thought to be the result of media with violent themes—a theory that has since been debunked. De Becker opens Chapter 12’s discussion of violent children by addressing this paranoia, to redirect attention to true threats. What he may not have been able to anticipate was modern day’s blurring between performance and persona. For example, while bands whose lyrics reference violence do not encourage fans to enact violence, other personalities do so deliberately. These personalities and hate groups indoctrinate impressionable, lonely teenagers—continuing the isolation that de Becker cites as the primary facilitator of future violence. With social media, children have become more vulnerable to adult manipulation and can torment one another without proper supervision. Social media also increases exposure and flow of news, pushing some teenagers to seek notoriety through criminal activity. De Becker advises guardians to ensure the safety of their children at school, but social media has since created new complications.

In 2021, the United States Bureau of Justice Statistics found that women were five times more likely than men to be murdered by an intimate partner (Smith, Erica L., “Female Murder Victims and Victim-Offender Relationship, 2021,” Bureau of Justice Statistics, Dec. 2022). De Becker’s claim that this homicide is the most preventable of murders remains accurate 25 years after the publication of The Gift of Fear. Persistence remains a possible PIN in Chapters 10-11, which address intimate partner violence and stalking. De Becker clarifies an abuser’s desire for control as their primary motivation for hurting and stalking their partner. To an abuser, killing a partner who left them is a form of “self-defense,” a way to “correct” their loss of control over their partner—and perhaps loss of pride, home, and children. Many abusers are Scriptwriters, unable to take responsibility for their actions and flaws. As for former partners of abusers, JACA can apply to them as they possess greater insight into their abusers’ behavior and beliefs.

Chapter 11’s pursuers are predominantly those who desire romance, including short-term partners who feel entitled to continued attention. De Becker does not blame people for getting involved with abusers, but does advise avoiding such people in the first place. Controlling behavior often makes itself known during the initial phase of dating and should never be ignored, nor should anyone allow gestures such as imposing oneself as romantic. De Becker does not claim imposing men are inherently predatory, but is never surprised when they successfully pressure women. These men often consider their desire for a relationship as justification for their pursuit, regardless of what the object of their desire wants. In this regard, de Becker recalls his earlier framing of indecision, negotiation, and mixed signals as misconstrued encouragement of pursuit—thus reinforcing the need for Empowering Women in particular.