The Dragons, the Giant, the Women: A Memoir

Mam’s roommate Yasuka enters her room and wishes her a happy new year, bringing her tea on a tray. Yasuka left New York to visit her family in Japan on the same day that Mam left for Liberia. Yasuka is Mam’s height and has a similar build. They share a similar sense of humor and a love for rice, and they often study and eat meals together. She asks what Mam did on New Year’s Eve. Mam confesses that she didn’t do anything because she hasn’t felt well since returning from Liberia after Christmas break. She chalks it up to homesickness.

Yasuka sips tea and asks if there’s any news about Samuel Doe. Mam says that things are the same: He refuses to step down, and the rebels intend to remove him forcibly. Gus has assured her, though, that the transition will be swift and that things will return to normal soon.

Mam then changes the subject to school. She often does this when thoughts of war send a chill through her. She and Yasuka talk about how they’ll use their degrees to change their countries. Mam wants to tell her more, to talk about her fears, but refrains from doing so.

While in New York, Mam visits all the major sites. The city becomes more familiar to her. She notices how pressed everyone seems to be for time and money. She dislikes how, when she speaks, people pretend that they don’t understand her, so, she speaks more slowly. Before Mam left Liberia, Ol’ Ma warned her not to lose herself in America. She said that if Mam looked into a mirror and no longer recognized herself, it was time to leave.

In New York, for the first time in her life, Mam feels invisible. Sometimes, people hardly look her in the eye. At restaurants, servers first talk to her companions, who are usually white, before they address her. At stores, it’s the same. Every time, the behavior makes Mam feel small.

Mam calls home and speaks to Gus. She asks about the girls. He says that they’re fine and mentions that Wayetu’s fifth birthday is approaching. They’re planning to have a big party. He asks if Mam is well. She admits that she’s not feeling like herself and hasn’t since Christmas. If the illness continues, she’ll go to the doctor. She then asks him for updates about Doe and the war. She wonders if Gus has thought about “the worst-case scenario” (182). She asks how he’s explaining these developments to their daughters. He tells her that she’s worrying herself and that they shouldn’t bother discussing the war. Gus tells her to focus on finishing her schooling so that she can return home. 

One Sunday in April, Mam goes with Yasuka to the Calvary Baptist Church in Midtown Manhattan to hear a missionary who has just returned from Liberia. A friend at Columbia told her about the church, and Mam was happy to visit it, excited to find a Baptist church in town.

It’s been four months since her Christmas vacation, but Mam still feels dizzy and out of sorts. She still makes the effort to visit friends from Liberia who moved to Connecticut in the eighties. However, she misses her family, her garden, and the furniture in her home.

At the church, she watches the presenter get onstage and introduce himself. He turns on an overhead projector and goes through a series of photos. The audience sees dirty, sad, hungry Black children. The presenter says that he had difficulty finding a single person in Liberia who was literate. He also claims that Liberian fathers were usually absent. This makes Mam think of Gus. Her head begins to ache. She feels more nauseated with each photo that flashes before her. Yasuka encourages her to say something. Mam says that she will when he finishes his presentation. The speaker then goes on to mock the smells that wafted through the air. He pitied the condition of the schools and claimed that the country had inadequate infrastructure.

At the end of the presentation, a basket is passed around, an offering for the presenter and his family. People line up to speak to him. Admittedly, Mam fears that Liberia could become like this after a war. She walks toward the speaker. Yasuka accompanies her, just as annoyed and “angered by the presentation” (184). Mam tells the man that she’s from Liberia and that his presentation was very offensive. She feels flushed. She rushes out, goes into the nearest restroom, pushes open a stall, and vomits.

She calls Gus, but the line breaks often. She tells him that she’s going to the doctor because something’s wrong. She figures she’s not pregnant because she’s been menstruating, albeit lightly. He tells her that the Chen family left out of fear of war.

Early one morning, Mam leaves her Harlem apartment, having only eaten a hard-boiled egg for breakfast. She begins to suffer from cramps. Her friend, Rose, called her the night before to tell her about a cousin who fled from Liberia to Sierra Leone. Meanwhile, Mam hasn’t spoken to Gus for two weeks because she’s unable to reach him.

Mam is currently in a clinic, awaiting an appointment with a doctor. The doctor does some bloodwork, then an ultrasound. He tells her that she’s pregnant and points out the baby’s head. He tells her that light bleeding is common in pregnant women—a sign that the fetus has difficulty attaching to the uterine wall. He assures her that everything looks good and that she should simply continue to care for herself. Suddenly feeling very alone in the world, Mam cries.