The Clean House

To the audience, Ana explains that she has always hated everything about doctors—their smell, their hurried walk, the way they handle their emotions. When she met Charles, her automatic response was hatred, but she fell in love immediately nevertheless. Ana’s love deepened while she was unconscious during surgery. She muses that sometimes surgeons accidentally leave sponges or clamps in the bodies they operate on, adding, “But—you know—I think Charles left his soul inside me. Into the missing place” (52). She indicates her left breast.

Charles speaks to the audience, commenting that people like to make jokes about how breast surgeons see so many breasts. However, Charles states, he does not fall in love on a whim, and he never cheated on his wife before meeting Ana. He and Lane fell in love when they were twenty-two, and he always believed that love was governed by a sense of justice: “If a person was good enough, an equally good person would fall in love with that person” (53). But Ana changed his pragmatic view of love. Charles talks about a prominent American surgeon named Halsted who noticed that his wife, a nurse whom he loved immensely, always had irritated hands when returning from surgery. For his wife, Halsted invented rubber gloves. Charles asserts that meeting and loving Ana has made him capable of great invention, too.

In a scene that flashes back to the moment when Charles and Ana fell in love, Charles informs Ana that she has been diagnosed with breast cancer. He offers her a moment to cry and process the information, but Ana replies that she seldom cries. Instead, stoically, Ana asks if Charles plans to cut off her breast. Charles offers less invasive surgery and radiation as more conservative choices, but Ana insists that she wants him to perform a mastectomy. Charles suggests that she speak to her family, perhaps her husband if she has one, but Ana asserts that she wants a mastectomy the next day. Charles hedges but when Ana insists again, he agrees to perform the surgery. Gazing at each other, they fall in love. They say goodbye, but gaze at each other again and fall more deeply in love. Ana asks if she will die in surgery, and Charles promises that he won’t allow that to happen. Fully in love, they kiss. Both express confusion at the suddenness of their feelings. Charles tells Ana that he loves her and she says it back, telling him to remove his white coat as they kiss. 

The action of the play returns to the end of Act I, when Charles and Ana arrive to see Lane. Charles insists that he would like them all to have a good relationship and cordially introduces Ana to Lane. Warmly, Ana praises Lane’s stellar reputation as a physician and reaches out to shake hands. Lane is baffled by this casual introduction but shakes Ana’s hand. Charles introduces Ana to Virginia, who is also polite. Matilde comments that Ana looks like her mother and Lane introduces Matilde to Ana, as the maid she has just fired. Now that introductions have been made, Lane tells Charles there is no need for him and Ana to stay. Charles notices Lane’s cut wrist, but she pulls back when he tries to examine it.

Ana greets Matilde in Portuguese, and they converse for a few moments, even though Ana explains that her grasp of the language is limited. Matilde guesses from Ana’s accent that she is Argentinian. The two women laugh and chat excitedly. Lane asks Virginia to bring them all drinks. Matilde and Ana ask for coffee, but Lane wants strong alcohol. Charles tries to explain again that although it may seem strange, he wants them all to stay in each other’s lives.

Ana explains that she isn’t “a homewrecker” (59) and had not fallen in love since meeting her late husband, a geologist who drank a lot and was wild and daring, always flouting the rules. They hadn’t had children because Ana worried that he was too out of control and told him he needed to stop drinking first. He did, but then died of cancer at the age of thirty-one. Ana says that she had given up on love entirely after that, assuming she would one day reunite with her husband in the afterlife, until she met Charles.

Ana and Charles came to see Lane because of the requirements of Jewish law. Charles explains the concept of bashert, a soulmate chosen by God when a fetus has reached the 40th day of gestation. Charles and Ana knew immediately that they had found their bashert in each other, and Jewish law dictates that those who find their bashert must go to their current spouses and officially end their marriages. Lane, confounded, points out that Charles isn’t even Jewish. Charles tells her that Ana is Jewish, and that he once learned about bashert on the radio and found it interesting. Charles asserts that their affair wasn’t their fault because God built it into their genetic code. Ana agrees, saying that neither has even felt guilt about the situation because it was not emotionally driven.

Ana insists that she and Charles are morally good, although she has not had much time to get to know Charles. However, even if he isn’t moral, Ana explains that it would not change anything, because their love is so strong. Lane replies, “this is what you’ve come to tell me. That you’re both innocent under Jewish law” (62). Ana and Charles affirm her summary. Virginia returns with the drinks and Lane fills her in on what they’ve said. Virginia recognizes the term bashert from public radio. Charles tells Lane that he’s sorry she has to endure this. If Lane had found her bashert, Charles hints, he would have offered his congratulations, because he loves her. Lane congratulates him and Ana dryly. After a moment of cool silence, Matilde offers to tell a joke and Ana accepts. The joke is in Portuguese and only Ana laughs.

Ana insists that since Lane has fired Matilde, she and Charles must hire Matilde to clean. Ana assumes that Charles would prefer a clean house (he agrees) and Ana despises cleaning. Matilde admits that she also hates cleaning. Ana asks about her other skills, and Matilde offers that she tells jokes. Happily, Ana announces that Matilde can live with them. Lane protests, “My God! You can’t just walk into my home and take everything away from me” (64). Ana points out that Lane had fired Matilde and asks if that has changed. Lane isn’t sure, so after confirming that Matilde is homeless, Ana reaffirms that Matilde can move in with them. Virginia interjects, asserting that Matilde has become like a sister to her, and that they have bonded while cleaning together like women throughout history. Virginia laments, “Now we are alone in our separate houses and it is terrible” (65).

Ana thinks that Virginia, not Lane, wants Matilde to leave. But Lane insists that they both love Matilde, endeavoring to say Matilde’s name properly with its Brazilian pronunciation. Lane attempts to persuade Matilde to stay, offering her more money. Ana, in turn, promises that her house will require very little work aside from Charles’s laundry. Virginia comments, “I think that people are who in love—really in love—would like to clean up after each other. If I were in love with Charles I would enjoy folding his laundry” (66). They all exchange looks for a moment. Then Ana tells Matilde that her only job requirement would be one joke per day, because she enjoys laughing. Finally, Matilde decides that she will spend half her time with Lane and Virginia and the other half with Ana and Charles. With this decided, Lane suggests that Ana and Charles leave. Charles agrees, inviting anyone who is interested to come on their apple-picking excursion that afternoon.

Matilde and Virginia are interested, but Lane explodes at the absurdity of the situation, calling apple-picking an activity that one does in a foreign film and adding that Charles doesn’t even like foreign films. Charles insists that meeting Ana has made him different in ways Lane might not fully comprehend. He wants to do things like go apple-picking, and he also wants Lane to share in his happiness. Lane replies, “I don’t want your happiness” (68). In Portuguese, Matilde says that their situation is like a telenovela. Charles expresses hope that Lane can eventually forgive him. They all say goodbye and Charles, Ana, and Matilde exit. Virginia stays behind. Lane insists that she prefers to be alone, but Virginia offers to bring her a hot water bottle. Lane declines, annoyed that Virginia is treating her like a child, but changes her mind and decides that she does want a hot water bottle after all.

Ana and Matilde are on Ana’s small balcony, which has a view of the ocean. French doors suggest that the balcony is connected to a room that isn’t visible. There are two chairs and a fish in a bowl. The balcony is full of apples. The playwright indicates that Ana and Matilde’s conversation might be staged as a mixture of Portuguese and Spanish with English subtitles. Below, in her living room, Lane curls up with a hot water bottle.

Ana and Matilde muse about the excessive number of apples on the balcony—too many to eat. Ana suggests that they take a single bite from each apple and then throw it into the ocean if it isn’t perfect. Matilde replies, “Now you’re talking like a North American” (70). They agree that it will be a fun thing to do and start biting and tossing. Lane watches the apples as they rain down into her living room.

Matilde announces that she has created 84 original jokes since beginning her work with Ana and Charles, as opposed to the one joke she had written while living with Lane—although it had been one very good joke. Matilde adds, “Sometimes you have to suffer for the really good ones” (71). Ana wonders why Matilde doesn’t make a career out of her jokes. Matilde explains that she will do that eventually, but right now, she is searching for the perfect joke, even though she worries that the perfect joke will kill her. She tells Ana about her mother’s death by laughter, and that she’ll never know the joke that killed her.

Matilde suggests that they talk about happier things and Charles calls for Ana. They try more apples. Charles enters, dressed in scrubs, and kisses Ana passionately. Ana offers Charles the best apple she has found. He tastes it and with an exclamation of delight, picks Ana up to carry her to their bedroom. As Matilde ponders alone, a projected subtitle reads: “Matilde Tries to Think Up the Perfect Joke” (73).

Virginia cleans contentedly as Lane, dressed in pajamas, shuffles a deck of cards. Lane calls to Matilde, who is still on the balcony, that it’s her turn to deal, so Matilde exits the balcony to come down. Virginia comments on the griminess of Lane’s couch, offering to sew her a slipcover to freshen it up. Lane agrees without protest, noting that a slipcover would be a project to keep Virginia busy. Matilde enters to deal the cards. Ana and Charles appear on the balcony above, dancing. Lane asks Matilde questions about living with Ana and Charles. Dutifully, Matilde replies that she is happy there, and that Ana’s house is small with mismatched furniture and a balcony with a view of the ocean, but finally exclaims, “I’m not a spy!” (75). Lane apologizes for her questions and the women play cards. The dance on the balcony ends, and Ana and Charles exit.

Lane asks, “Do they seem like they are very much in love?” (75). Matilde responds that they are, and Lane wants to know how she can be sure. Matilde explains that they linger in bed most of the day, and that Charles tries to spend as much time as possible with Ana, frequently missing work. Matilde adds, “Because Ana is dying again” (75). She explains that Ana’s cancer has returned, and that she has refused treatment. Ana and Charles have been fighting about it. Charles has been shouting and breaking things (to Lane’s surprise, since she has never heard Charles raise his voice). The day before, Matilde relates, he smashed all the spice jars. From the balcony, a spice jar launches and lands in Lane’s living room, exploding with yellow dust. But, Matilde explains, Ana still refuses to go to the hospital. Matilde notes that she may need to stay there more in order to help. Virginia laments, “Poor Charles” (77). Lane responds, “Poor Charles? Poor Ana. Poor me!” (77) Wildly, Lane comments that the word “poor” sounds strange when you say it too many times. Virginia asks if Lane is all right and Lane reassures her that she is.

On the balcony, Charles and Ana attempt to guess which numbers and colors the other is thinking about. Charles pushes Ana to continue even when she becomes tired. Ana asks why they’re doing this, and Charles explains that Harry Houdini had practiced mindreading with his wife so they could communicate after one of them died. Charles confesses that it didn’t work for Houdini but insists that he loves Ana more than Houdini loved his wife and that unlike Charles, Houdini was too distracted by magic. Charles adds, “Let’s go to the hospital” (79). Ana refuses, and tells Charles not to be sad. Charles is indignant at the suggestion that he shouldn’t be sad. Exasperated, Ana decides to go for a swim, calling Matilde to keep an eye on Charles.

Charles shouts another mindreading question at Ana, but she is too far away to hear. Tossing his clothes off the balcony (and into Lane’s living room), Charles declares that he will also go swimming. Matilde comments that Charles doesn’t know how, but he exclaims, “I’ll learn to swim” (80). In her living room, Lane discovers the sweater Charles threw over the balcony and smells it deeply. Charles yells another question to Ana and exits. Matilde stares out at the water. Suddenly, Matilde finds the perfect joke. With stunned realization, she says, “My God. Oh no. My God. It’s the perfect joke. Am I dead? No” (81).

In the living room, Lane is still holding Charles’s sweater. Virginia enters with the vacuum cleaner. Abruptly, Lane orders Virginia to stop cleaning, screaming that she would rather live in filth because it reflects how she feels. Lane accuses Virginia of cleaning Lane’s house to feed her “weird obsessive dirt fetish” and refuses to let Virginia make herself feel like a better person for “push[ing] some dirt around on my behalf” (81). Virginia insists that she had only wanted to help, and calls her sister a “bitch” who has always looked down on people with problems as though they had “a defect of the will” (82). Virginia declares that she is finished helping Lane and will get a job instead. Lane points out that Virginia has no qualifications and Virginia exclaims, “No wonder Charles left. You have no compassion. […] Ana is a woman with compassion” (83). Lane argues that as a doctor, she has sacrificed everything to help the sick. There is a moment of silence and breathing, and the stage directions declare that “Virginia and Lane are in a state of silent animal warfare, a brand of warfare particular to sisters” (83). Lane exits, leaving Virginia alone in the living room.

On the balcony, Ana listens to an Italian aria while gazing at the ocean. In the living room, Virginia empties the dirt from a plant all over the floor, suddenly finding joy in making a mess. Matilde enters and asks what Virginia is doing. Loudly, Virginia exclaims, “I’M MAKING A MESS!” (84). As the aria finishes, so does Virginia. Ana exits the balcony. Virginia tells Matilde that she feels fantastic, and Matilde lowers her head sadly into her arms. Lane returns and Virginia confesses that she made a mess because she was angry. Lane notices Matilde’s dejection, and Matilde explains that the situation with Ana and Charles has become messy. Lane wonders if they’ve stopped loving each other, but Matilde says that Ana has gotten sicker. Charles has responded by leaving for Alaska to chop down a “you tree” to invent a new medicine for Ana (85).

Virginia exclaims, “My God. He’s gone crazy with love!” (86), but Lane explains Charles means the yew tree, which was used in 1967 to create a medication that slowed the spread of cancer. Matilde says Charles plans to plant the yew where Ana can smell it, carrying the hospital to Ana since Ana won’t go to the hospital. Moved, Virginia says, “That’s beautiful” (86), but Lane insists that there is nothing beautiful about man going to chop down a tree while Ana dies sick and alone. Since Ana won’t go to the hospital, Matilde asks if there are any doctors who make house calls. Virginia and Matilde look pointedly at Lane, who balks at the idea of caring for the woman her husband chose over her. In the background, Charles walks through frigid wind, searching for the tree.

On the balcony, Lane gives Ana a physical exam. Ana says Lane must despise her, but Lane replies that she is simply treating her as a patient. Lane tells Ana that she would need to perform tests to really know Ana’s condition, but Ana still won’t go to the hospital. Ana asks if Lane thinks that she is insane, and Lane replies that she doesn’t. Ana offers iced tea and exits to get it. Alone on the balcony, Lane begins to cry. Ana returns and Lane exclaims, “Oh God! I am not going to cry in front of you” (90). Ana reassures her, acknowledging that Lane must hate her. Lane denies this, but then admits that she does hate Ana because Ana is glowing and beautiful, and because Charles glows when he looks at her. Lane resents that the way Charles looked at her, even in their wedding photos, is nothing compared to the way Charles lights up when he looks at Ana.

Ana says that she’s sorry, but Lane doesn’t believe her, noting that Ana is simply uncomfortable with witnessing another person’s pain, as most people are. Lane looks at the fishbowl and asks about the fish. Ana says that it’s a fighting fish, twelve years old, which is a long life. Ana comments that she has been expecting it to die, but it just keeps living. Ana asks Lane how she and Charles met and fell in love. Lane is surprised Charles hasn’t told Ana already, but explains that they met in medical school as partners in anatomy class and that they “fell in love over a dead body” (93). The two women look at each other and “Lane forgives Ana” (93). Ana offers Lane an apple. Lane accepts, but stops, asking whether Charles was the one to pick it. Ana doesn’t know, so Lane eats appreciatively. In the background, Charles slogs through the cold, carrying a pickaxe. It begins to snow on the balcony.

Lane and Virginia talk on the phone. Virginia is surprised to learn that Lane not only visited Ana but has invited her to move in with Lane since she is too ill to be on her own. Lane asks if Virginia can help Matilda with caretaking while Lane is at work, but Virginia tells her sister that she has found a job working in the grocery store checkout. Virginia claims that she enjoyed her first day at work, describing people’s groceries and camaraderie with her coworkers. Virginia apologizes for being unavailable. After a moment, Lane says, “You made that story up” (95). Virginia concedes, “Fine” (95). Lane asks again if Virginia can help with Ana, and Virginia makes Lane admit she needs her sister’s help before she agrees.

Ana has moved in with Lane. Her belongings, including her clothing, bags of apples, and the fishbowl, are all over the living room. Ana eats a casserole Virginia prepared and compliments her, thanking Virginia for her caretaking. Virginia becomes emotional, explaining, “I’m not used to people thanking me” (97). Matilde enters with a telegram from Charles, who appears in the background. It starts to snow in the living room. Speaking through the telegram, Charles tells Ana that he found the tree but can’t bring it on the plane, so now must learn how to pilot a plane. Ana replies, “I want him to be a nurse and he wants to be an explorer. Asi es la vida [tr. That’s life]” (98). Charles exits.

Lane enters. She and Ana greet each other awkwardly. Then Virginia enters and offers homemade ice cream. As Matilde and Virginia busy themselves fetching ice cream, Lane sees the fish and comments that he survived the trip. Ana replies, “He’s a strong fish” (98). Virginia returns with a container and spoons. They all take spoons and eat from the container, marveling at the taste of fresh ice cream. Ana muses about life before ice cream existed, when there was no means to keep food frozen. She tells a story about a ship full of ice that sailed to South America from Europe, and that held nothing but water by the time it arrived. Once the ice cream is finished, Virginia notices that Ana seems feverish. Ana replies that she’s cold but refuses to use a thermometer. She accepts the offer of a blanket, and Lane asks Virginia, “Where do I keep blankets?” (100). Virginia and Lane exit.

When they are alone, Ana tells Matilde that she’s in pain. She remembers that Matilde’s mother died laughing at a joke and asks Matilde to kill her with a joke, too. Matilde doesn’t want Ana to die, but Ana pleads for her help. Matilde asks if Ana will wait for Charles to return, but Ana explains that if she did, she wouldn’t be brave enough to go through with it. Matilde agrees to do it and tells Ana that she has already written the perfect joke. They decide to do it the next day. Lane reenters with a blanket and hands it to Ana. Ana and Matilde say good night. Ana goes to sleep. Matilde exits, but Lane hangs back. Sitting on the floor, Lane “watches Ana sleep. She guards her the way a dog would guard a rival dog, if her rival were sick” (103).

The following day, Ana is surrounded by the other three women, prepared to say goodbye before Matilde tells Ana her joke. Ana asks Lane to take care of Charles. Surprised, Lane asks, “You think I’ll be taking care of him?” Ana replies, “Of course.” When Lane asks why, Ana responds, “Because you love him” (104). When Ana says goodbye to Virginia, Virginia begins to cry. Ana tells her that she can’t handle crying and urges Matilde to go ahead and tell her joke. Ana stands up, explaining that she doesn’t want to die lying down like most people. She suggests that Lane and Virginia leave for the sake of safety. They agree and exit. In Spanish, Ana asks Matilde for the joke. Matilde whispers in her ear. Music swells and a projection reads: “The Funniest Joke in the World” (105). Ana laughs freely, finally collapsing.

Matilde begins to weep. Lane and Virginia reenter. Lane feels for Ana’s pulse, and confirms she has died. Even as a doctor, Lane is unsure what to do next, because she has only seen patients die in the hospital—never in a house. Virginia wonders what the nurses would do, and Matilde takes charge, suggesting that they close Ana’s eyes and wash her body. Lane agrees. Virginia proposes a prayer, and Matilde agrees: “A prayer cleans the air the way water cleans the dirt” (106). Virginia prays that Ana is picking apples. Lane starts to wash the body. After a few moments, Charles rushes in, calling for Ana and carrying a huge tree. Gently, Lane says that it won’t help. Charles asks to see Ana’s body. Lane agrees, kissing Charles’s forehead. He asks Lane to hold the tree. She does, and Charles collapses on Ana’s body.

Addressing the audience, Matilde says, “This is how I imagine my parents” (110). Ana gets up and removes her bathrobe and Charles takes off his winter coat; they transform into Matilde’s mother and father. Matilde describes the moment of her birth. Her parents were too far from the nearest hospital, so her mother lay under a tree. To soothe her during labor, Matilde’s father whispered a joke in Portuguese. Her mother laughed so hard that Matilde slipped out: “My mother said I was the only baby who laughed when I came into the world. She said I was laughing at my father’s joke” (110). Then, baby Matilde cried. Looking at her parents, Matilde experiences a moment of closure. She says, “I think maybe heaven is a sea of untranslatable jokes. Only everyone is laughing” (110).