Sorrow and Bliss

Ingrid calls to discuss the party while Patrick is out getting the newspaper. She asks Martha why Martha didn’t put her marriage problems aside and just enjoy the party, and Martha finally tells Ingrid about the diagnosis. Ingrid is shocked that Patrick doesn’t know, and insists Martha must tell him.

After getting off the call, Martha writes Patrick a letter, then spontaneously heads to London. On the train there, she gets a text message from Ingrid revealing that she is pregnant again; Martha has no desire to throw or break her phone upon reading it.

In London, Martha gets a tattoo of the barometric map of Hebrides on her hand. She explains to the artist that the weather there is unpredictable, usually just cyclones and hurricanes, and Martha feels this way herself because she has ——. The artist is unperturbed by the revelation and asks why she still wants the map if she is better, and Martha reflects on how it is a memorial for all the things she has lost.

Martha remembers all the doctors who told her not to get pregnant; Jonathan’s relief that she didn’t; all the generations within her own family who have passed down their mental illness; and Robert’s final revelation that —— doesn’t disqualify her from motherhood. Martha admits to herself that she has been lying to everyone around her, because a child is all she’s ever wanted. She is also lying because she never left Patrick the letter because she doesn’t think he deserves to know anything.

Martha gets home late, and Patrick is watching the news. The domestic scene infuriates Martha, and she finally tells him about the diagnosis. Patrick reveals he already knows, as she paid for the appointment with the card and he recognized the drug she has been taking. Patrick believes the diagnosis is accurate, which further incenses Martha because Patrick didn’t realize it sooner.

Martha accuses Patrick of being the problem because she has been “normal” since the medication, but her behavior toward him has not changed. She also reveals she has always wanted a baby, and Patrick explains he knows this, too, as babies are the only thing Martha talks about while simultaneously avoiding mothers and babies. She is also obsessed with Ingrid’s children, and is evidently jealous of Ingrid, especially when Ingrid is pregnant.

Martha yells at Patrick for not confronting her sooner, especially because based on Robert’s assessment, Martha could have been pregnant by now. Patrick points out that she has not been better toward him, which made him realize that this is just her, and she shouldn’t be a mother. Martha sinks to her knees, screaming. Her memory blacks out for a couple of hours, and the next thing she knows, Patrick is packing a suitcase and leaving. She watches him take the car out, return with a bottle of oil to refill it, and then walk away toward the station.

Martha spends the first day and night after Patrick leaves in bed. Ingrid calls in the morning, saying Patrick has spoken to her, and asking if she should come get Martha. Martha is unsure, and when Ingrid arrives, she is not as sympathetic as Martha expected. She asks Martha to decide quickly as she wants to get home before long; the children are waiting downstairs, and she doesn’t want to get caught in traffic with them while they’re hungry. When Martha takes too long, Ingrid’s patience wears out. She leaves, saying she can’t do this anymore.

Martha is angry, lonely, and shocked at Ingrid’s refusal to help for the first time. In desperation, she calls Celia, whom Martha has not spoken to since their argument. Celia’s voice sounds different, like it did when the girls were younger; she is glad Martha called, and holds a conversation for 10 minutes while Martha remains mostly mute. Before Celia hangs up, she asks Martha to call her again anytime.

Martha calls again before dawn, drunk and not knowing what to do. Celia coaches her through every single action, from Martha putting on her coat and shoes, heading out for a walk, and coming home to take a bath. Martha begins to call Celia every day and is coached through her daily routine the same way; mother and daughter talk endlessly, but never about Patrick or Ingrid.

One morning, Martha finally tells Celia about her marriage. Nothing shocks Celia, as she has said and done worse things to Fergus. Celia listens to all of Martha’s feelings and resentments about Patrick and how she doesn’t think the marriage makes sense. Finally, Celia says, “Martha, no marriage makes sense. Especially not to the outside world. A marriage is its own world” (281), but Martha dismisses it.

Celia asks Martha to come to Belgravia for Christmas; it will only be Martha’s parents and aunt and uncle, as everyone else is away. Martha asks if Celia will be drinking, and Celia reveals she stopped ever since Martha told her not to. Martha arrives at Belgravia mid-afternoon. Winsome is ecstatic to see her, but Martha feels worse, terribly nostalgic about the fact that none of the cousins are there. She behaves poorly and leaves without eating or accepting Winsome’s gift.

When Martha calls Celia to talk the next day, Celia states she is ashamed of Martha. What Martha believes to be her “personal tragedy” has affected others, too—most of all Patrick. Although he will never feel what Martha does, he has had to watch his wife in pain and want to die; he stayed through it all, and was eventually hated and told to go. Martha has suffered, but she is not the only one, and Celia tells her that she needs to grow up. Martha asks Celia how she can do so, and Celia suggests asking Patrick for forgiveness.

Martha doesn’t call Celia again, but she gets a letter at the end of the week. Celia explains how all her life she believes things happened to her, from her mother’s death onwards. She victimized herself, and it was Martha who finally made her grow up; Martha is the reason Celia stopped drinking. Celia now chooses to believe Martha’s illness happened for her, as it’s the only way the pain can have some purpose. She asks Martha to approach things the same way, listing all the wonderful things about her, such as how Martha feels everything more intensely; is her sister’s world; will be a wonderful writer one day; and has been loved by one man her whole life. Celia believes Martha’s pain has made her brave enough to carry on: She can put things right, and should start with her sister.

Martha receives an accidental text from Ingrid, meant for Hamish, asking to pick up some household supplies. She goes over with the things and apologizes to Ingrid, persisting until Ingrid finally forgives her. When Ingrid asks Martha why she lied about wanting children, Martha explains she couldn’t trust herself, as Ingrid would have convinced her otherwise if she had known the truth.

Ingrid also asks about why Martha is still behaving the way she is with Patrick if she is better, and Martha reveals she doesn’t know how else to be. Ingrid asserts Martha ought to figure things out, as Patrick is staying at Belgravia house, and Jessamine is there, too. Martha is not worried, but Ingrid points out that as far as Patrick is concerned, Martha is not his wife anymore.

Ingrid gives Martha a key to Belgravia. Martha waits outside the house for a long time, but it doesn’t seem like Patrick is in. When she goes in to investigate, she finds Patrick’s watch on Jessamine’s bedside table and the wrapper of a morning-after pill in the washroom waste-basket.

Over the next week, Martha packs up everything in the Executive Home, including all of Patrick’s stuff. She finds the index cards on which he had written a speech for her birthday; he had written about his love for Martha and how she is the only thing he has ever wanted. Martha is overwhelmed, and cannot read all the way through. The moving and storage people arrive and take everything away while an agent shows a young couple the house.

On her way to London, Martha visits the allotment garden. In the shed, she remembers telling Patrick about the baby, and finds it almost unbearable to leave, as she had once been pregnant here.

Ingrid is at their parents’ place, and comes up to Martha’s room to help her unpack. As they discuss what’s next for her, Martha admits she doesn’t have a plan or know what to do, as she is 40 and hasn’t ever had a stable career. Ingrid is sure Martha will figure something out, as Martha is the smartest, most creative person Ingrid knows. After Ingrid leaves, Martha pulls out a selection of books from her father’s study and begins reading.

Martha reads all of Virginia Woolf. She attempts to go running but ends up at the shopping center and picks up a journal instead. While waiting for her food at a cafe, she scrolls Instagram and comes across a quote: “What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story” (310). She writes it down on the first page of the journal, and begins writing her story from somewhere in the middle.

It is the beginning of March, and Martha has gotten a job as a guidance counselor at a girls’ school. She receives a text from Patrick asking for the storage facility’s address, as he is moving into his flat and needs some furniture. He asks Martha to meet him there in a couple of hours, and she wonders if he remembers it is their anniversary.

While waiting for Patrick at the facility, Martha writes in the journal. She is unable to find a suitable ending and rereads everything she has written. For the first time, she sees that she had everything people always wanted. Martha desperately wants Patrick back, but her final revelation is the reason their marriage ended, and she writes it down on the last page. Patrick arrives, and after a couple minutes of awkward small talk, Martha gives him the key and leaves.

When she is almost home, Martha realizes her journal is not in her bag. She retraces her steps to the storage facility desperately trying to find it, and arrives there to find Patrick reading it. As he finishes, he asks her what the last line is, and she explains that it says, “I never asked what it was like for him” (318). Patrick says that it was awful, as everything was always about Martha and her sadness. He had to absorb all of it, and it consumed his life. She threw things at him; accused him of being too passive; and even assumed he slept with Jessamine after he walked out. The watch wasn’t Patrick’s, after all—it belonged to Jessamine’s boyfriend.

When Martha says she is the worst person in the world, Patrick responds that she isn’t, but she isn’t the best, either—she is just like everyone else, but cannot bear the idea of being ordinary. Also, while things were awful for him some of the time, most of the time they were amazing, and she made him really happy. Patrick turns to the entry with which the story begins, with Martha going up to talk to a woman at a wedding. Patrick remembers thinking, at the time, about how much Martha cared about other people.

Patrick admits that he did know something was wrong over the later years, but didn’t have the energy to face it or deal with it. He is also ashamed of saying Martha shouldn’t have been a mother; he was just angry. The fact that Martha chose to terminate her pregnancy even though she desperately wanted the child proves that she would have been a good mother, as she was only thinking about her child. An overwhelmed Martha lies with her head in Patrick’s lap and cries for a while. Eventually, they say goodbye. Before leaving, Patrick admits that the writing is really good, and someone should make the story into a movie. Martha doesn’t believe it is good enough, as it wouldn’t end with this kind of parting, but she runs out before Patrick can respond.

On the train back home, Martha sees another Instagram quote which she means to write down, but never does. Nevertheless, she remembers it constantly: “You were done being hopeless” (325).

Martha describes the end of the story in disjointed recollections: After saying goodbye at the facility, Patrick turns up at Martha’s parents’ house later, saying he wants Martha to stay in the flat, but he will stay somewhere else. They have to be careful if they are to try again, as they have ruined each other’s lives before. Martha agrees, and Patrick drives her to the flat the same day, while he rents a studio.

Martha’s father becomes an Instagram-famous poet with a million followers, and a collection of his most popular poems is published as an anthology. A week after publication, his editor tells him that the book moved 334 units in London alone on the first day, unheard of for poetry. Winsome holds a celebratory dinner at Belgravia. Martha sees stacks of her father’s book in Rowland’s study, and initially despises Rowland for playing a practical joke on Fergus. However, she hears her uncle loudly degrade non-rhyming verse as poetry and state that he wouldn’t be buying a copy, and Martha realizes his secret purchase was an act of kindness. Martha only tells Patrick later, and once the book starts selling in thousands, she knows Rowland is not the only customer.

Martha and Fergus visit a bookshop where he signs a few copies of his book. After the signing, father and daughter get ice cream together. Martha asks Fergus why he stayed with Celia all the while, as all his poems are about her; he simply responds that he loves her. Martha also asks Winsome similar questions when she apologizes to her, one of the first amends she makes after receiving Celia’s letter. Over lunch, Martha asks how Winsome put up with Celia, and whether she tempted to give up; Winsome agrees that she was, but she was the adult and Celia the child. She also always remembered who Celia would have been, had their mother not died.

Ingrid has her fourth child, and to everyone’s surprise, it is a girl. Ingrid names her Winnie, after her aunt. Patrick and Martha leave the hospital after visiting Ingrid and head to Martha’s parents’, as Celia wants to show Martha something. It is an eight-foot-tall sculpture of Martha, and Martha thinks it beautiful. Martha tells Celia she was right over the phone call and in the letter; Martha has never been unloved a day in her adult life. The sculpture is eventually “sniffed by the Tate lot” (335).

Martha describes a night when Patrick comes in while she is watching a movie; he naps while she finishes it, and after he wakes up, they watch the “Baked Alaska” episode of Bake Off together. Patrick doesn’t believe the incident to have been sabotage; he just thinks the contestant made a mistake because of the high pressure. Martha agrees, saying she used to be on the fence, but now knows it’s no one’s fault. They say goodbye, and Patrick promises to return the next day.

Martha still thinks the arrangement is weird; some days are good, some feel beyond repair, but Patrick and Martha are ultimately both grateful to be together. Martha is 41 now; she doesn’t have a baby yet, but is hopeful, and either way, “Patrick is always just there” (337).