Sorrow and Bliss

In late August, Patrick goes to Hong Kong for his father’s third wedding. Martha doesn’t accompany him because she is feeling unwell, and wakes up two days later unable to get out of bed with a mounting sense of breathless panic. When Patrick calls, she cries on the phone, and he immediately changes his flight, encouraging her to get out of the house while reminding her he loves her. Martha tries, but is unable to deal with the noise and people, so goes back inside.

Martha eventually goes to the emergency room, but is unable to explain herself beyond saying she doesn’t want to exist anymore. Patrick arrives at the hospital and Martha overhears the doctor telling him Martha is better off at home because public psych wards are not “nice places.” At home, Martha takes all the pills the doctor has given her and sleeps for 23 hours; when she wakes up, she curls up beside Patrick while he orders pizza, apologizing for what happened.

Martha meets Ingrid the next week, and they get manicures, watch a movie, swim, and catch up. Martha feels good enough that she forgets she was even in the hospital the previous week, and so doesn’t tell Ingrid. However, shortly afterward, Patrick suggests moving out of London, in case the city is the problem. At the beginning of winter, they move into their new “Executive Home.”

On the way to Oxford, Patrick asks Martha to try and make friends there, as he doesn’t want her to immediately hate the place. In their new house, Martha lies awake thinking of all the horrible things she has said or thought, and wakes up Patrick to give him a couple of examples. Patrick explains she is not the only person to think such things, recounting a time at the end of a long shift when he wished a patient’s family would quickly decide to take the patient off the ventilator, so Patrick could go home. Martha asks Patrick what he eventually did, in that scenario; he reveals he stayed another six hours until the patient’s daughter finally decided to sign the document.

Martha meets the woman living in the Executive Home opposite theirs, when she knocks on Martha’s door and introduces herself. At first glance, Martha likes her, and wonders what it would be like to be friends with her; however, when the woman asks about the house, Martha lists all its failings in such detail that the woman’s cheerful demeanor drops and she leaves. Patrick later points out that if the woman owned her house, she would have been upset to hear someone harshly criticize an identical one.

Patrick puts their name down for an allotment garden in which he plans to grow lettuce; Martha accompanies him on the condition that she doesn’t have to help. Patrick sets up a small shed and folding chair so she can sit and read or watch him. Patrick is only able to grow lettuce in their first year at Oxford; every other year, his attempts at growing a crop of vegetables are unsuccessful.

After a short stint at a part-time job in the Bodleian Library gift shop, Martha eventually gets a job at Waitrose Magazine when the editor, who had crossed paths with Martha back at World of Interiors, reaches out. Martha discovers that London wasn’t the problem; she is still sad, so she starts seeing a psychologist named Julie whom she finds on the internet. However, some months in Martha discovers that Julie is in the process of getting divorced, and Martha stops seeing her.

After their second child, Ingrid and Hamish briefly attempt marriage counseling, but Ingrid has an outburst in the first session ranting about her husband getting her pregnant, then barely offering any help with the children. They don’t attend a second session. When Ingrid’s second son is six months old, she turns up at Martha’s place saying she can’t do it anymore. Martha offers Ingrid a place to sleep, but after venting for a while, Ingrid returns home. She cannot raise her children all by herself, and asserts that one doesn’t leave a husband unless one is selfish, or has a proper reason—mere unhappiness isn’t good enough.

Ingrid suggests the best thing a mother can do for her children is love their father, and Martha is surprised to learn that this advice came from Winsome. Ingrid has been talking to Winsome every day, and Winsome comes over and helps with everything that Celia ought to be doing, but isn’t. Ingrid only hated Winsome when she was younger because of Celia’s attitude toward her sister.

Not long after Ingrid’s visit, Ingrid and her family leave London and move to Swindon, 40 minutes away from Martha. Martha visits the next day, and Ingrid seeks Martha’s reassurance that she’ll be able to make the move work, referencing how Martha and Patrick are. Martha obliges, although in reality, Oxford has been no better or worse than London.

That night, Martha tells Patrick she is going to stop taking all her medication as none of it is doing anything. She doesn’t want to come off them slowly, tearfully admitting she is too tired to take another pill or see another doctor. Despite his apprehensions, Patrick supports her. Martha stops taking birth control as well, getting an implant instead at Martha’s suggestion. At the end of the following year, Ingrid tells Martha she is pregnant again, as she herself never got around to getting the implant.

After her third child is born, Ingrid makes Martha go with her whenever they visit Hamish’s house in Wales. On their first visit there, they stop at the leisure center in town for a quick swim. Three young girls are struggling to change back into their school uniforms in the changing room. A teacher comes in and yells at them to hurry up; the youngest girl bursts into tears, and Martha rushes to help the girl with her laces.

Later, when the children are in bed, Martha and Ingrid talk about how, as a mother, it is difficult to watch another woman yell at a child; however, one also yells at one’s own children, which makes one feel like a monster. Martha comments that she already knows she is a monster. The sisters watch a movie with an actress who has recently died by suicide, and Ingrid wonders how anyone could feel as bad as that. For the first time, Martha tells Ingrid about the balcony incident, revealing to her shocked and tearful sister that Martha feels this way every time she is depressed.

In the middle of the night, Martha hears Ingrid get up to feed the baby, and joins her. She asks Ingrid what the best part of being a mother is, and Ingrid asserts it is all of it, especially the time between finding out she is pregnant and telling anyone else. Ingrid wishes Martha wanted children, too, and hopes it is not because Martha thinks of herself as a “monster.” Martha asks Ingrid not to talk about it anymore. The next morning, Martha wakes up early to make the older children breakfast, allowing Ingrid to sleep in a little longer with the baby.

Martha and Patrick spend their fifth wedding anniversary in Venice. Martha is pregnant and has known for a couple of weeks now, but hasn’t told Patrick, even though her illness means that they have to cut their trip short. She tells him at the allotment garden a week later, when she is eight weeks along. Martha has already decided what she is going to do, but Patrick asks for a few days’ time, and Martha acquiesces.

Patrick is extra caring and attentive toward Martha for the next few days. The following Sunday he asks her if she is sure about her decision to terminate the pregnancy, and Martha doubles down. Patrick helps her schedule the appointment. However, Martha miscarries on the day of the appointment. No one except Patrick knows, and she makes sure she only cries when out of his sight. She is sure the baby was a girl, and Martha privately names her Flora. Martha is grateful Flora let go of Martha before Martha had to do it.

Patrick and Martha drive out of Oxford together for hours on end. When they finally stop the car, they get out and walk through a wood until they reach a river, and strip down and jump into the water. For an instant, Martha thinks she is drowning, but Patrick helps her out. Afterward, they drink beer and eat chips in a bar, talking about what they did.

Martha reads an article in a Sunday magazine about a newly classified disorder, “Boarding School Syndrome,” a hybrid between PTSD and attachment disorder. Martha asks Patrick to take a quiz to see if he has it; he refuses, as he is watching a game, but she badgers him nevertheless, even making up questions specific to him such as eating preferences, and how he takes a long time to order at restaurants. Martha realizes Patrick is truly irritated when he gets up and leaves the room, and she feels guilty, scared, and sad. When he comes to find her later, she suggests they should get counseling just to be retaliatory, but Patrick agrees, citing the river incident.

Martha recalls what happened later that night: She woke up after dreaming about the baby and ran out in the middle of the night, climbing a footbridge and almost jumping off before Patrick caught up and stopped her. He took her straight to a doctor, who prescribed tranquilizers.

Patrick and Martha attend one counseling session, but the therapist’s mannerisms irritate Patrick, and he walks out before it ends. Patrick and Martha head to a bar and drink together. Later that night, they head home and sleep together for the first time since Martha conceived. Afterward, Patrick tells Martha that everything is always “broken and messed up and completely fine” (223) all at once; only the ratios of these things change throughout life. Martha reflects on how life continues exactly like this for the next three years.

A new administrator, whose husband is a psychiatrist, joins Patrick’s hospital. Martha meets the administrator at a charity dinner and immediately likes her, so she makes an appointment with the woman’s husband, even though Martha has not seen a doctor in four years. Martha tells Robert, the psychiatrist, her entire mental health history from the French A levels onward, including all the diagnoses she has received in the past.

To Robert’s question, Martha confesses she thinks she is just “not good at being a person,” and possibly has depression. Robert, however, suggests an unnamed diagnosis: “——.” Martha recalls how one other doctor had suggested it when she was 18, but Celia had immediately dismissed it. Martha doesn’t want to have “——,” and Robert acknowledges the stigma around the illness, but Martha’s experiences and symptoms fit the illness’s pattern of onset and route of treatment, including the multiple misdiagnoses. He prescribes a new medication to a tearful Martha, promising that it is very effective.

Martha picks up the medication, but doesn’t want to go home yet or talk to Patrick. Ingrid is unavailable, so she calls home, and her mother picks up. Fergus is out, and Martha uncharacteristically asks her mother to chat for a bit. She tells Celia about the appointment and diagnosis, only to discover that her mother already knows Martha has “——”; it runs in the family, and multiple people on both sides, including Celia herself, have it. It is the reason Celia rejected the diagnosis when Martha first received it, not wanting her daughter to live with that label.

Martha is furious, believing the label would have helped her understand herself and receive better treatment growing up. When Celia asks what she ought to do now, Martha suggests she stop drinking, and hangs up. Later, she texts Celia asking her not to tell anyone else about the diagnosis.

At home, Patrick is entertaining some colleagues, and Martha heads up without joining them. She thinks about her diagnosis the next day, wondering how Patrick, who is a doctor, could have missed it. She is filled with a sense of disdain for Patrick, “a man who [is] so kind, and obedient, and oblivious” (239).

Fergus invites Martha to lunch, and she thinks Celia has told Fergus about the argument. Martha has been thinking about Celia constantly since their conversation, and feeling intense anger toward her. Over lunch, however, Fergus reveals that Celia has not had a drink in the past six days. He also doesn’t know about the diagnosis, and listens intently while Martha fills him in. Before leaving, she asks Fergus not to tell anyone, including Ingrid or Patrick, about it, and Fergus is surprised Patrick doesn’t know yet, insisting it is the most important thing.

On her way back home, Martha receives a call from the doctor as he had failed to ask her a standard question before prescribing the medication: He checks whether she is pregnant or trying to be, clarifying that it wouldn’t matter even if she were. This medication, and all that she has been prescribed in the past, are perfectly safe during pregnancy and postpartum, for both mother and child. Stunned, Martha asserts she would be a bad mother anyway, but Robert assures her that many people with “——” have children; the illness doesn’t disqualify one from motherhood.

When Martha gets back home, she finds Patrick about to leave for work for two weeks. He is annoyed that she hasn’t seen his calls, and further angered when Martha begins laughing for no reason. Patrick asks her why she can’t just be “normal,” and this sets Martha off even more, as she responds that it is a complete mystery. She realizes that she is capable of “hat[ing] [her] mother and [her] husband at the same time” (248), believing that they both have, intentionally and unintentionally, ruined her life.