Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

Goleman opens this chapter with a personal anecdote about his mother. After all her children had grown up and moved away, Goleman’s mother found herself alone in a large, empty house. To assuage her feelings of loneliness, she decided to offer her house for foreign exchange students, specifically from countries in which elders were especially respected. Goleman saw the benefits of companionship on his mother’s physical and mental health. He provides evidence from studies showing that an active social life can lessen the chance of cognitive decline in older people.

He next describes a married couple who, according to their friends, have been having the same bitter argument for their entire marriage. He then cites a study indicating that even small arguments negatively affect the immune system. Another study showed that the more satisfied a married woman was with her marriage, the better her health was. Goleman argues that women tend to be more physically affected by the ups and downs in their relationships, whereas men seem to be less so. However, women tend to seek out social contact when stressed, as it helps their brains release oxytocin and creates a calming effect, whereas men tend to try to handle their problems alone, which can raise their stress levels.

The chapter opens with an anecdote in which a young resident physician interviews an elderly woman with severe disk degeneration in her neck. The woman, there with her daughter, is anxious and has many questions for the doctor. He does his best to answer all of them, but before he can finish, his attending physician comes in, brusquely explains her recommendation for treatment, and then tries to leave, all while being peppered with questions. The resident stays and answers all the woman’s questions until she finally agrees to the treatment. The attending physician later scolds the resident for “wasting” so much time on one patient, reminding him that each appointment should take no more than 15 minutes.

Goleman uses this anecdote to highlight the increasing “mechanization” of the medical system in the United States, lamenting that insurance and hospital revenue now dictate treatment, rather than the standards of best patient care.

Goleman offers anecdotes that illustrate the prevalence of “compassion fatigue” in overworked medical professionals, who are forced to see too many patients per day and have burnt out on their ability to care for all of them.

Steps are being taken to return compassion to the medical field; as an example, Goleman points to the Kenneth B. Schwartz Center, which supports and advocates for compassionate health care.