Saving Noah

Adrianne heads to the hospital chapel to gather the courage to speak to Noah. A devout Christian before Noah’s crisis, Adrianne feels lost now. She remembers reaching out to Father Bob, the leader of their parish during Noah’s pretrial. Father Bob had given her only generic assurance and seemed uncomfortable around her. He’d even suggested she and her family move to a different parish. Now Adrianne feels as hopeless as she did that day. She heads to Noah’s room and tells him she found his note. Adrianne tells Noah she loves him no matter what. Noah cannot understand why, as he feels he is a monster. He begins to sob in his mother’s arms and tells her he will do it again. Adrianne doesn’t know if “it” means hurting kids or attempting death by suicide.

Later, Noah tells Adrianne that he first became aware of his pedophilia in seventh grade. Unlike other boys his age, he wasn’t interested in teenage girls or older women. For a while, he thought he was gay. Then he started to note he had obsessive thoughts about elementary school girls. The thoughts were not sexual to begin with; Noah just found the girls adorable and wanted to be their friend. He does not know when the thoughts turned sexual, but Noah distracted himself with school and sports. He prayed to God to cure him. He was grateful he was never attracted to Katie. However, in the summer of his ninth grade, he got an erection while helping Maci swim. Maci touched him, wanting to know what it was. Noah touched her, and then Bella, though he never hurt them.

Noah confessed to Adrianne so she could help him get locked up so he could not act further on his urges. Noah was hopeful about Marsh because he thought the program would help him get better. It never did. Meeting Rick recently was a major trigger because Rick had gotten better and had a girlfriend his own age. That is when Noah overdosed on the Percocet.

The trigger for Noah’s attempt to attempt death by suicide through hanging was the conversation with Lucas. Lucas told Noah he should run away, leaving Katie and Adrianne a note. Lucas would pay for his airfare to California and support him till he was 21. After that, Noah would be on his own. Noah was never to contact anyone in his family again. Lucas’s suggestions made Noah realize the only way he could make things better for Adrianne was by removing himself from her life forever. Noah now tells Adrianne that he is determined to die. When Adrianne tells him not to lose hope, as the psychiatrists have told her he is doing better, Noah tells her it is all an act. Noah is pretending to be better so he can leave the hospital and die by suicide.

Adrianne tells Dr. Phillips, the psychiatrist handling Noah’s case, about his plan to go along with therapy to facilitate his discharge. Adrianne thinks Noah should not be released and kept on suicide watch. Dr. Phillips tells her Noah shows all signs of improvement and cannot be held in the psychiatric ward if he is no longer a threat to himself. Adrianne feels Dr. Phillips is not listening to her and begins to cry. Dr. Phillips reassures her that even after Noah is released, they will continue to treat him in the outpatient program. He will be asked to visit the hospital every day for therapy and check-ins. Further, Dr. Phillips will watch him closely and assess if he is acutely suicidal. She will not sign off on his discharge unless she is convinced Noah’s recovery is genuine.

Later, Noah discusses his desire to kill himself with Adrianne again. He considers the act humane, equivalent to euthanizing a terminally ill cancer patient in pain. Noah also intends his death as a gift to his loved ones, so they can get back their lives.

The narrator is happy that he has finally retrained his brain. Recently, in therapy, he made it through a whole round of pictures, including that of a little girl, without a reaction. He has learned ways to distract himself from the bad thoughts, such as pinching himself any time his mind strays. He is ready to start afresh, leave his family, and go to college early. His mother won’t be happy, but he needs a clean slate. The only problem in his recovery is that he is too scared to sleep because his desires come forth in his dreams. His counselors thinks this is normal, but what he does not tell her is that he finds himself masturbating when he wakes from the dreams.

Ever since Adrianne has learned the truth about Noah, he has begun to look her in the eye again. Adrianne knows Noah is more comfortable with her now because he has nothing to hide. He is more animated than he has been in a long time, often bringing up the topic of his impending death. Adrianne listens so she can keep him engaged. Sometimes she contemplates secretly recording Noah to show Dr. Phillips that his recovery from suicide ideation is an act. Adrianne tells Noah that he should stay alive because it is possible a solution may be found for pedophilia in 10 years. Noah tells her no one is invested in researching a cure for people like him. Besides, chemical castration has been tried, and it barely works. Adrianne knows what Noah is saying is true. Her research shows that chemical castration may suppress the libido, but does nothing to address the underlying attraction.

Noah asks Adrianne if she would oppose his choice to die if he was suffering from a deadly disease. Adrianne says the comparison is absurd. Noah tells her it is not, because sooner or later someone will kill him. He then tells Adrianne the extent of the violence Scott and his friends committed against him. The boys not only beat him up, they raped Noah with the narrow end of a baseball bat. Noah never told Adrianne before because he was so ashamed. Adrianne’s head begins to reel at the cruelty Noah has experienced. It is then she decides that if Noah wants to die, she will help him.