Sandwich

The family is at the beach. Rocky observes an elderly woman emerge from the ocean and contemplates the aging process. She feels betrayed by her body because of how perimenopause is wreaking havoc on both her emotions and her physical features. She’s angry all the time. Her hair has become thin and dry. She’s more reliant on various medications than she once was, and her body has strange lumps and bumps. Nick, sitting next to her, senses her unease and asks what she’s thinking about. She responds honestly that she has been reflecting on perimenopause, and she observes how carefully he weighs his response. He knows that these conversations can easily erupt into arguments, and he wants to keep the peace. Rocky realizes that she too wants to tread lightly. She doesn’t want to discuss babies or pregnancy with her husband, and she certainly wants to avoid mention of her pregnancy the summer that Willa was not yet one.

Rocky’s parents arrive at the cottage. She’s happy to see them, and the mood is jovial. Everyone enjoys a large lunch together, talking about current events and news from their own lives. Nick and Willa try to talk Rocky’s parents through some tech issues, and Rocky observes the ease with which everyone communicates. Still, it’s obvious that her parents are aging, and she frets about this next stage of life. As everyone talks, she’s drawn once again back into her memories. She finally allows herself to remember losing her baby, the one she was pregnant with the summer that Jamie was four and Willa was just an infant. The memory, although many years old, still pains her tremendously.

Jamie was four and Willa was not yet one when the family moved from Boston to western Massachusetts. Rocky found a gynecologist through a friend and learned that she was six weeks pregnant. Nick cried with happiness.

The cottage is full of people, and Rocky observes the ebb and flow of conversation among her family members. Everyone gets along, but rough patches crop up here and there. Willa has recently become interested in genealogy and asks her grandparents to tell her more about their families’ immigration stories. When Rocky’s father reveals that several of his family members died at Treblinka, Willa asks if he means the extermination camp. Rocky scoffs at this but then is horrified when her father answers Willa’s question in the affirmative. Rocky is floored that no one ever told her this, but her father tells her that he was sure she knew. He remarks that she isn’t stupid and should have gleaned the truth from the knowledge that two Jewish people in the family died the same year during the Nazi occupation in Poland in a town that contained one of the region’s most notorious death camps. A muted argument ensues. Willa is fascinated and moved by her family’s history and wants to know more about Jewish resilience, but Rocky is completely taken aback and remains largely silent.

By the time Rocky and Nick went back for a follow-up appointment, the fetus growing inside of Rocky had died. She recalls knowing this fact, instinctively, the moment before her doctor confirmed it. She and Nick were both grief-stricken. She can still recall how deep the loss felt, even all these years later.

Rocky’s parents, Mort and Alice, struggle with the Nespresso machine. They’re loud and wake the entire family. Rocky goes downstairs to help and hears Maya vomiting in the bathroom. Although she tries to disguise the noise by talking, she’s sure that her mother heard too. As the entire family wakes up and wanders into the kitchen, more chaos ensues. Rocky reflects on how difficult her parents can be to be around. Her father makes several inappropriate comments about how much he liked Rocky’s first boyfriend, which she’s grateful that Nick lets slide, but he then continues to irritate her by asking for sandwich ingredients that she didn’t buy because he doesn’t like them. Nick’s parents, she knows, are no better. Willa won’t even visit them because of their anti-gay bias, and Rocky doesn’t relish spending time at their home. Eventually, the sandwiches are ready, and everyone is ready to head to the beach.

Remembering her pregnancy loss, Rocky recalls that the pharmacist told her the medication was one she’d taken before. She denied it, and she remembers how odd Nick found it that the pharmacist would make such a mistake.

The family arrives at the beach to find the “shark warning” flag up. Rocky is alarmed but tries to let it go. Her father is ill-tempered but somehow still good-natured, and a humorous edge lightens his request that no one take his photograph to put it “on google.” Rocky remembers the summer that she got pregnant. It was hot, and she recalls feeling overcome with love for her children. Jamie takes her aside to tell her that he wishes Maya had first told him rather than his mother about her pregnancy, and Rocky tries to remain positive and supportive. Jamie is “down” to either have the baby or not, and she tells him that whatever they decide will be the right decision.

Rocky worries about her father as he walks into the ocean, but she admits that he seems fine and that he’s probably still capable of swimming. He exits the water and excitedly tells her that a shark was spotted, and the lifeguard ordered everyone back to the beach. As he’s talking, Rocky realizes that a small crowd has gathered around their towels and umbrellas. Her mother has fainted. She’s embarrassed, but everyone is worried about her. She agrees to go to the hospital, just to make sure that nothing more serious than heatstroke is happening.

After Rocky’s pregnancy loss, her body passed what remains of the fetus. She found the process upsetting and tried to make sure that neither of the children came into the bathroom during that time.

At the hospital, Rocky’s mother is diagnosed with dehydration and mild heat exhaustion. The family gathers in the waiting room and shares snacks from the vending machine. Rocky speaks privately with Willa, who overheard her brother and Maya discussing Maya’s pregnancy. Willa is proud of how “cool” Jamie is being about it and asks her mother if she accidentally got pregnant at Maya’s age. Rocky responds that she didn’t and tells Willa that she’s happy Willa is gay and won’t have to deal with the worry of an unexpected pregnancy. Willa responds that she isn’t trying to be “all woke” but that she might end up dating a sperm-producing trans girl and that her mother should be more open-minded. She also asks if Rocky’s pregnancy loss was the only time, and Rocky responds that the answer is too complicated to explain at that moment.

At Rocky’s follow-up appointment after her pregnancy loss, she asked her doctor when she would begin menstruating again. He said it depended on when her body decided to stop “punishing” her.

Further testing at the hospital reveals the possibility of an underlying heart issue, and Rocky’s father reveals that they knew about this condition already. Rocky is upset that her parents kept this information from her and angry that they seem so cavalier about it. The doctor informs them that a “wonky valve,” as her mother calls it, is something that they should have shared with him when Alice was admitted, but the pair shrug him off. Rocky feels her anger rising and wonders if she’s on some kind of “Candid Camera” for perimenopause in which her rage will be showcased in front of a studio audience.

After Rocky’s pregnancy loss, Nick suggested trying again for a third child. Exhausted at the prospect of another failed pregnancy before even beginning the process, Rocky told Nick that she wasn’t up for it.

The family returns to the cottage in poor spirits. They discuss Alice’s heart issue and learn that she’s going to have a new valve inserted. Rocky has a large drink and assures her mother that she loves her deeply. Her father remains testy and defensively asserts that his maturity and decision-making abilities are fine even as he enters old age. Rocky reflects that the day, like so many others, is a mixture of both good and bad elements.

Willa spent the summer after her pregnancy loss consumed by grief and exhausted by how much energy she gave to Jamie and Willa. She recalls it as an especially difficult time in her life.

At dinner, Rocky worries about her mother’s health and frets as she watches her mother pick at a tiny portion of food. After dinner, Willa again asks Rocky about her pregnancies. Rocky wonders if Willa really wants to hear this complicated and difficult story, and Willa responds that she does. Rocky feels close to her daughter and is already wistful at the prospect of the vacation ending and everyone returning to their separate lives. She agrees to tell Willa the story.

Rocky recalls that the summer of her pregnancy loss, she felt emotionally distant from Nick. She alludes to wanting to “tell him” a particular secret but doesn’t yet reveal what that secret was.

Willa asks her mother if she wanted a third baby, and Rocky responds that initially, she didn’t. However, she also tells Willa that none of her pregnancies were true accidents. In an abstract way, she always wanted more children. Willa asks if the pregnancy loss was her only other pregnancy, and Rocky admits that she was pregnant once before that (in addition to her pregnancies with Willa and Jamie) and had an abortion. She tells Willa that she chose to terminate her pregnancy because she didn’t feel capable of raising another child. Willa assures her mother that she doesn’t judge her, that she was likely suffering from postpartum depression, and that she understands her mother’s choice. Just then, they hear Nick clear his throat. It’s obvious from Rocky’s distress at realizing he overheard that Nick didn’t know about this abortion.

The doctor gave Rocky a pill to abort her unborn fetus, but she told Nick that it was a pregnancy loss. He was sympathetic.

Later, Nick clarifies what he overheard: He asks if Rocky had indeed terminated a pregnancy and then told him it was a pregnancy loss. She answers in the affirmative. He then asks her if the second pregnancy loss was also an abortion, and she truthfully tells him that it was really a pregnancy loss. He’s upset and tells her that during all of the times in couples therapy when she’d accused him of not truly knowing her, she was keeping an enormous secret from him. He asks her how she could possibly have expected him to know her when she kept so much of herself from him.