Pax, Journey Home

Peter returns to his childhood home. When he goes inside, he has an eerie feeling that this place is the same yet not the same. At every turn, there is another painful memory of all he has lost. The most painful room to visit is his bedroom. Once his sanctuary, it’s now the place where he raised Pax, whom he would ultimately betray and abandon. Peter recalls how after his mother died, his father burned everything that reminded him of her. At the time, Peter didn’t understand what would make his father do that, but now he does.

As he looks for lighter fluid on a shelf, a jackknife falls to the floor. It is “the one he used on his journey last year, the one he used to smear the blood oath on his calf as he swore that he would find Pax” (166). The memory is overwhelming, and Peter forces himself to do his penance again.

This time, he reshapes the memory of finding Pax into something he feels he should have done to avoid all this pain. In this rewritten memory, he does what his father said he should have done and kills Pax. That way, he would never have to go through the pain that Peter inflicted on him by saving him and then abandoning him. Neither of them would ever know the vastness of that loss.

Peter wipes his eyes, remembering that before she and Samuel left, Jade told him that he would have to go through his grief. Peter will do that, he decides, and face all the horrible things that have happened in his 13 years. Then, and only then, will he truly start again.

The only thing that helps the little vixen heal is rest. Pax sniffs the air and realizes that they have settled in a new den close to where he lived with Peter. He tells his daughter about the home he had during that time, how it was above ground instead of under, and how humans don’t move from place to place like foxes do.

The vixen asks Pax to tell her the story of how Peter found him again. As he does, the vixen notices the deep love that her father has for the boy. While the way humans live is different from foxes, the way they love is the same.

Determined to go through his grief, Peter spends the next day retracing the paths he took as a child. He recalls his friends and his mother. The surrounding nature feels both familiar and painful. He has lost some of the wonder and playfulness he had as a boy, and that, too, is a loss he must mourn.

He walks to the spot where he and his father had “talked for an hour in a way they never had before. […] Mostly his father had apologized. He’d regretted a lot of things” (174). One of his father’s biggest regrets was when he forced Peter to abandon Pax. He had apologized deeply for that, and Peter had forgiven him. Peter didn’t know it at the time, but that was the last time he would see his father, so he was glad that he’d died thinking his son had forgiven him.

As Peter allows himself to grieve, he sees something move in the distance. An adult male fox is watching him. Though he isn’t close enough to see distinctive features, something inside of him knows it’s his long-lost pet. He shouts at Pax and runs toward him.

Pax recognizes Peter at once and is about to run toward him when he hears a frightened bark from behind. His daughter is afraid to be alone, especially with the sound of a human shouting nearby. Pax reassures her that Peter will not hurt them and that she can watch from the shore if she wants. The little vixen does not want to, however, instead curling up to fall asleep. When Pax is certain she won’t wake, he runs back out to find Peter, but the boy has vanished.

The next morning, when the kit is in a deep sleep, Pax leaves the den to find Peter. He ventures to a spot where he saw his human and waits. Finally, Peter arrives, and the two have a joyous reunion filled with the same old games, cuddles, and companionship they had for most of Pax’s life.

Peter wants Pax to drink from a jug. Pax is confused but drinks to appease Peter. Then, the two lay down together and enjoy the sunshine. Peter cries at one point and puts his arm around Pax, talking to him. Pax grunts in reply when Peter seems to want it. This peaceful and happy reunion lasts until Pax senses that the little kit has awakened. He barks to her and then runs back to the den, leaving Peter behind.

That night, Peter is reeling from the beautiful day spent with his pet. He was relieved to know that Pax was alive and surprised that the fox embraced him immediately. He expected to have to earn back Pax’s trust. Still, Peter apologized for leaving the fox behind, if only for his own sake.

After they played for a while, Peter got thirsty and began to drink. Horror struck him as he realized that Pax might have been drinking the poisoned water, and he offered some of his own to the fox. He talked to Pax, wishing he knew what his life had looked like in the wild. Then, as quickly as Pax appeared, he was gone.

Now, Peter lies on the porch, something he’d done as a child, and contemplates the idea of forgiveness. Is Pax a fool to forgive so easily, or is there something beautiful in it? Peter decides he wants to see Pax again, despite the potential pain that could come from choosing to love again.

For two days, the routine is the same. Pax meets Peter to hug, play, and rest and then returns to his daughter and begs her to eat. He brings her game, but all she wants to eat is eggs. He takes her to the river to drink every day, and each day she grows weaker again, just like she did at the still pond.

Peter finds living on his own more difficult than he thought. He is surrounded by objects from his old life: things that belonged to his mother, his father, or even to the old version of himself, one that didn’t know what pain lay ahead. He remembers again what his father did with such objects, gathering them all for a great fire to burn the memories away. Peter thinks of doing this himself but makes himself go outside for some air before he lets that thought grab ahold of him too tightly.

He prefers working outside in the yard and contemplates reviving his mother’s vegetable garden, which hasn’t been touched since she died. Food is another issue of living alone. It will be months before the garden grows, and the rations that Jade and Samuel gave him are running low. The one thing that gives Peter a feeling of hope is Pax’s visits.

A pleasant surprise awaits Pax the next morning. Runt, Bristle’s brother, has tracked him to their current den. Pax is pleased to hear that his family is doing well. The humans have moved on, but before they did, they dumped plenty of fish into the reservoir. Bristle, however, is desolate over the loss of the vixen and won’t leave her other kits to hunt. Pax shows Runt that the little vixen is with him. Runt is overjoyed, as he had only found Pax’s scent past the river, where the vixen’s scent stopped.

Runt follows Pax in to see his niece, and he is concerned by how small and weak she is. Pax tells him that she won’t eat, as she only wants eggs. Runt urges Pax to come with him to fetch eggs for the little vixen. Pax tells his daughter to stay put until they return with food, and the two foxes set off in search of the eggs.

Peter is on his own quest for food, starting at a neighbor’s house. He used to help the old woman who lived there, so he doesn’t feel guilty for raiding her abandoned pantry. The house looks as if the old woman left in a hurry, likely after the water was poisoned during the war. However, there are still plenty of canned and jarred foods, and he decides to come back tonight with a wheelbarrow so that he can stock up.

Later that day, he returns to the river to meet Pax, carrying a jar of peanut butter from the pantry, Pax’s favorite food. He waves it around, hoping his friend is nearby. He looks at the water’s edge and sees a different fox, too small to be Pax.

With horror, he sees it waddle down to drink from the river, and he starts running. He shouts at her to stop, and when she doesn’t, he throws the jar of peanut butter at her. It smashes on a nearby rock, and out of nowhere, Pax leaps to the kit’s rescue and grabs her. Peter feels terrible and calls out to apologize, but Pax and the kit are gone.

As Pax checks the kit over for injuries, she reminds him that he said the boy wouldn’t hurt them. Pax assures her that Peter did not mean harm, but he is confused by the incident. He tells her that Peter must know something is wrong because of the tone in his voice when he called after them. The tone is similar to the grief call of foxes, but it’s unique to humans. Peter used it a lot during the last year they shared together.

Crows gather above them. Pax learns from them that the large group of humans is returning. It is no longer safe there, but the little vixen is not strong enough to travel. Pax is still puzzled by her illness: It reminds him of how sick he was when Peter first found him. He decides at that moment that only his boy can help his daughter.

Peter is angry with himself for betraying Pax again. He again has the idea to burn his old life and goes through the house to gather his old belongings. He douses the pile with lighter fluid, strikes a match, and throws it on the pile. The remains of his old life go up in flames, and Peter lets out all the grief he’s held in the past year. After he cries, Peter slumps down on the porch next to the backpack that contains his father’s ashes.

Just then, he sees Pax approaching with his kit hanging from his mouth. At first, Peter thinks Pax is bringing his dead kit to show him what he has done. However, as Peter approaches Pax, the fox sets down the kit, who is barely alive. Peter reaches out to comfort the kit, and after receiving an encouraging glance from her father, the kit allows Peter to touch her gently.

Peter asks Pax what’s going on, and Pax responds by stepping over his daughter to get to Peter. The fox “fit[s] his head into the space between Peter’s jaw and his collarbone, the position he used to fall asleep in” (218). Peter soaks in Pax’s forgiveness.

Pax bends to his daughter, rubs muzzles with her, and starts to walk away. Peter panics and calls after Pax, realizing that he is leaving the kit in his care. Pax doesn’t return, and Peter is left alone with his greatest fear: another pet and all the potential for love and pain that comes with it.

Peter looks at the little fox. For a moment, he considers the concoction that Jade mentioned giving to the raccoons but is worried that anything he does might hurt the vixen further. He feels that the best course of action is to put the fox out of her misery. He puts the kit in his backpack with his father’s ashes, goes into the shed to retrieve his father’s old gun, and heads for the cemetery.

Pax can’t resist the urge to turn back to see what happens to his kit. He feels at ease when he sees Peter put the fox in his backpack, which he always keeps with him. Pax can leave for home now knowing that his daughter will be safe. He runs toward his family to avoid facing the pain of leaving his child behind.

The first thing Peter does when he arrives at the cemetery is visit his mother’s grave. He spreads his father’s ashes over it. Afterward, he turns to the backpack and holds up his father’s gun. He points it at the pack, ready to shoot the moment the kit pokes her head out, but he loses his nerve when he hears her mewing.

He sits on the ground, hugging himself, feeling like a disappointment to his father all over again. As he reaches out to touch the ashes, he remembers that nothing will change his relationship with his father now. Just because his father would have put the kit out of her misery doesn’t mean Peter has to. In fact, he decides, it’s braver to try to help her survive.

He pulls the little fox out of the pack, and stuck to one of her claws is the letter his grandfather gave him before he left. After some hesitation, Peter decides to read it. Inside is a letter from a man who was in his father’s unit, Private Thomas Roberts, himself a father to twin babies. Roberts and Peter’s father were serving together when Roberts wanted to check on his wife, who was pregnant with twins. He couldn’t afford to leave and miss his pay, so Peter’s father offered to check on them and was killed on the way. Roberts emphasizes that Peter’s father wasn’t deserting; he was helping a friend. He apologizes, hoping that Peter has some closure knowing the truth.

Peter is in awe of how his father changed at the end. He rereads the letter, fighting back his anger at his father for choosing someone else’s family over his own but also feeling a sense of pride over his father’s actions. In the letter, Roberts also mentions that Peter’s father always talked about Peter’s gift with animals. Sure enough, Peter looks down to see that he has started stroking the young kit without realizing it. He decides to take her home and leave the gun behind.

Pax’s reunion with his family is better than he could have imagined. He is amazed at how large his other two kits have grown. They play together for a while, and once they’ve exhausted themselves, Bristle lies down beside Pax. He tells her that their daughter is alive but would not have survived the journey home. Pax assures her that they can trust Peter to raise her well and look after her. Soon, the fox family joins as one to wail the fox grief call: a call to what they’ve lost but also the love they still have together.

Peter spends more time with the Water Warriors, reconnecting with Jade and Samuel, and then returns to Vola’s with a new perspective. He walks around his cabin, excited for his new life. The cabin isn’t his home yet, but it will be soon. He worries about whether Vola will welcome him and braces himself to have to earn her trust after the horrible things he said to her. He leaves the cabin and walks toward Vola’s home.

She is cooking dinner and offers to set another place. Peter relaxes, accepting the offer, knowing he has been forgiven. She tells him that his grandfather will be stopping by. He comes to her place for dinner every Sunday afternoon with the newspapers. Together, they’ve been keeping up with Peter’s journey and the water restoration progress.

Peter tells Vola that they will have an additional guest and pulls out the kit. Now that the two have had some time on the road together, she is no longer skittish around people. Jade helped Peter heal her from the poison, but she will never recover enough to survive in the wild. Her home is with Peter now, he tells Vola, at the cabin.

Vola is surprised to hear this and asks if he really wants to stay. Peter says that he would like to if her offer is still open, and Vola says she’s already had the papers drawn up. Peter excitedly mentions how the kit will get along with everyone in their community. Vola laughs since he once said he didn’t need anyone else. He tells Vola that he named the kit Sliver because she slid in when he least expected it and won over his heart.