50 pages • 1 hour read
Elliot PagePageboy: A Memoir
Nonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2023A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Chapters 11-15Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 11 Summary: “Only Kidding”
At the age of 11, Page started to feel that there was a shift in how he was perceived, “a shift from boy to girl without [his] consent” (89). His relationship with Linda deteriorated further; she was increasingly cruel and hostile toward him, and he started to dread the weeks that he had to spend at his father’s house. Dennis, Linda, and Page’s stepsiblings all teased Page together, using the nickname “Skid-mark,” coined by Linda, to ridicule him. Dennis insisted that it was just a joke, but Page stopped telling Dennis or Linda when he was hurt or upset to avoid their scorn.
Once, in the late 1990s, Page fell while roller skating and injured himself so badly that when he finally managed to crawl home, he found his underwear soaked in blood. At first, when he told Linda, she dismissed him. Finally, when he showed her his blood-soaked underwear, she took him to the hospital. Page learned that he “[tore] something” (96) inside, though the tear was not big enough to require stitches.
Later in life, Page blamed some of his sexual difficulties with men on this injury. He visited a gynecologist to see if this was the problem but was told that there was “nothing wrong with [his] vagina. All clear” (98). He was frustrated by this response, as he no longer had anything to blame for his disinterest in men.
Chapter 12 Summary: Roller Derby”
In “Roller Derby,” Page talks about the difficulty of performing femininity during the Oscar campaign for Juno in 2008, as well as in acting in general. He turned down a role in a period drama, as “the dress, the shoes, the hair” would have all been too much for him to deal with (99). He says he knew that if he took the role, “[he] would want to kill [himself]” (99).
Instead of the period drama, Page got the starring role in the movie Whip It. This movie was a much better fit for him, and learning roller derby was a challenge that Page relished. He was still dating Paula at this time but keeping it a secret, as neither of them was out.
Paula moved to Los Angeles with Page and became his assistant so they had a way to hide their relationship. However, after Juno’s success, the paparazzi followed Page and Paula everywhere they went, causing Page great anxiety. Being closeted strained their relationship. Though his relationship was not going well, filming Whip It introduced Page to people like Kristen Wiig and Alia Shawkat, with whom he felt he could be himself. They helped him reach an understanding of himself, even when he believed that he could never come out.
Chapter 13 Summary: “Buckets”
When filming for Whip It ended, Page felt unmoored. He did not want to go back to Los Angeles, so he signed up for a Permaculture Design Certificate course at a place called Lost Valley in Oregon. Paula decided not to come with him.
At first, Page was nervous to take the course by himself and be around strangers, but he found the experience deeply fulfilling. It was something that he had been missing in his life and allowed him to explore issues surrounding climate change, resource exploitation, and sustainability more meaningfully. His peers in Hollywood were typically dismissive of these subjects. During the course, Page met a man named Ian. The two became close friends, and Page felt “a thread between the two of [them]. A version of love at first sight when [Page] saw him” (115). They road-tripped to Portland together, and their bond deepened just as Page’s relationship with Paula fell apart. Page talks about how his friendship with Ian helped him find “a new sense of strength” through which “[he] learned and allowed [himself] to express [his] pain a smidgen more” (122). This friendship was an important step in Page’s journey toward understanding himself.
Chapter 14 Summary: “U-Haul”
Page talks about the various times in his life when he tried to tell his mother that he was gay: At 15, 20, and 24. The first time, she did not believe him and told him that being gay was not real. At 24, Page started dating a new girlfriend. It had been two years since he and Paula split up. Though Page and his new partner kept the relationship secret, they moved in together very quickly. This girlfriend is never named in the text, but she is an actress who has a big “queer group of friends” (127). Page’s inability to come out affected their relationship. He had imagined that finally having a “community of queer women” would make him feel like he had arrived at home in his identity (130), but he found “it slowly exacerbated [his] dysphoria” (130). Page and his girlfriend eventually ended their relationship after much turmoil.
Page notes that since he came out as transgender, his relationship with his mother has healed from a lot of their past issues.
Chapter 15 Summary: “Ryan”
At age 26, Page assumed that most people in his personal life knew about his sexuality. Despite this, Page had a new girlfriend whom he kept completely secret; she was closeted and a very well-known actress. The two met while filming a movie together. They went to great lengths to keep their relationship secret: Leaving hotels at staggered times, avoiding each other at industry parties, and referring to one another by code names. This girlfriend’s number was stored in Page’s phone under the pseudonym “Ryan.” Once again, the stress of being closeted took a toll on the relationship, and after two years, Ryan and Page split up. The end of the relationship was very difficult for Page.
Soon after, Page was at a party that Ryan and a new boyfriend attended. Page describes his grief and hurt at seeing Ryan so at ease with someone else. He feigned food poisoning to leave the party early and was conflicted when Ryan’s new boyfriend was kind to him. The new boyfriend had no idea about their past relationship.
Chapters 11-15 Analysis
Page often finds an escape through athleticism. As a child, he loved roller skating. He “enjoyed the speed, the fantasies, outdoor private play” (94). Although his first roller skating experiences end in disaster when he gets seriously injured, he later returns to the same sense of escape and enjoyment through roller derby. Physical exertion, especially when it involves a hint of danger, helps Page get out of his body and focus on something beyond his worries and discomfort. Many of his happy memories involve roller skating, running, swimming, and hiking, all of which give him a much-needed sense of freedom. These descriptions contrast sharply with Page’s descriptions of feeling stifled by feminine clothing and gender expectations.
Page describes increasing feelings of gender dysphoria in these chapters. For a while, he is able to take on feminine roles and wear dresses and makeup for red carpets and interviews, even though he is unhappy with the experience. Over time, as he becomes more aware of himself, his discomfort grows, even pushing him to turn down some roles. For Page, as for many trans people, gender dysphoria is not just a personal preference. It is a profound sense of discomfort that makes certain kinds of gender expression excruciating. Page understands this to be true long before he has a name for his experiences. Describing these feelings in detail, often through visceral imagery, creates pathos in the narrative, allowing the reader to better understand dysphoria.
Although Page’s dysphoria is unpleasant and difficult to reconcile with his professional life, it is another step toward Self-Discovery and Self-Acceptance, a message from his body and subconscious that something is not right. Several times in the text, Page describes his body as being “vastly smarter than [him]” (224). It will send him signals that he might struggle to interpret correctly, and gender dysphoria is one of them. Often, those signals are at odds with Anti-LGBTQ Sentiments in Hollywood. Page’s reluctance to take on certain roles and conform to expectations makes it more difficult for him to manage an acting career and opens him up to further scrutiny, but it is also crucial for his survival that he listens to what his body is telling him.
Several of the relationships that Page describes in these chapters are straightforwardly positive. Ian, in particular, is a force for good in his life, as are fellow actors like Alia Shawkat. Other Complex Interpersonal Relationships are still more challenging, including his relationship with “Ryan.” While Page talks about several romances throughout his life, his relationship and subsequent breakup with Ryan loom large. She is a major heartbreak for him because the two of them were so close and so in love, but simultaneously so incapable of expressing that love around anyone else. The moment when Page sees Ryan and her boyfriend shows him, in clear terms, the gulf between his experiences and the more open, normative experiences of gender and sexuality from which he is isolated.
As always, Page’s toughest relationships are with his father and stepmother. Their continuous unkindness toward him is not exclusively tied to his gender and sexuality, but they have trouble accepting those parts of him. This pattern is something that many LGBTQ people with unsupportive families experience. Some parents push their children to conform and deride them when they express their pain or vulnerability. Far from helping children grow up to be strong and confident, this kind of parenting often pushes children away, teaching them that no matter how bad things get, their parents will not give them the support they need. When parents refuse to accept their children and treat them with love and respect, they often end up losing their relationships with those children entirely. By contrast, Page’s deep friendships with like-minded people are an example of chosen family, a popular social structure in queer communities. Proponents of chosen families assert that blood ties aren’t inherently the strongest and most supportive relationships.
