Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time

Chapter 8 continues the argument from the previous chapter with more actionable advice about researching potential contacts. Using the Relationship Action Plan, readers can track the people they know and the people they want to know with detailed strategies directed towards the predetermined objectives of the individual’s networking goals. The authors use an example of “advergaming,” a style of marketing products within video games. When working for the company YaYa, Ferrazzi developed a detailed list of influential people who could help his company to launch an interactive marketing campaign in the video and digital gaming industry. He mapped the most important people and players in the online and games industries, including CEOs, journalists, programmers, and academics. He then listed these names in a database and created call sheets by region. By carrying these lists around with him and distributing them to the staff of his company, Ferrazzi says that he put his company in a position to use these communications across social media platforms. LinkedIn, for example, can be used to “comprehensively map out not just your network, but the networks of entire industries” (80-81). The authors end this chapter by talking about the successful creation of “advergaming” and the eventual, multi-million-dollar sale of YaYa to a public company.

Chapter 9 contends that the key to meeting and introducing oneself to new people is to embrace a positive attitude and learn about the person prior to contact. Ferrazzi and Raz emphasize the arguments of the previous chapter; that is, to warm up a cold call, you need to do your homework and provide opportunities in one’s first moments of contact. The rules for this procedure are as follows:

• Draft a reference.
• Show your value.
• Define your message concisely.
• “Compromise.”

This method of “warm calling” insists that the credibility and value of one’s proposition will make new people interested in talking and doing business. The authors also include a list of ideas for virtual communication that highlights catchy subject lines for emails, being considerate of timing, and writing short, clear, and error-free messages with an explicit goal or request.

With these methods, the authors claim that anyone can turn a new and unfamiliar person into a close contact, business partner, and even friend.

Ferrazzi tells a personal story about one of his business blunders to argue for the careful and kind treatment of secretaries, personal assistants, and anyone in charge of managing the schedules for people in power. To “respect the gatekeeper power” means treating them with dignity, acknowledging their help, thanking them (both with verbal affirmation and with gifts), and giving back when you can (96).

Ferrazzi and Raz recommend that readers use the “warm call” technique through multiple mediums: in-person meeting, social media, email, phone call, and handwritten notes. By diversifying the methods of contact, the authors claim that gatekeepers will begin to recognize your name. However, recognition is not enough. By establishing rapport and respecting boundaries, the connector can slowly develop a relationship with the gatekeeper (adding them to their own network) and get closer to meeting with the executive, power player, or celebrity.

The eponymous chapter of the book insists on a single rule for building a network: “Above all, never, ever disappear” (100). This chapter uses the example of First Lady Hilary Clinton and her inexhaustible work ethic to explain how visibility, persistence, and determination make a huge difference in building a network. From early morning till late evening, Hilary Clinton spent her days of business travel by meeting with new people (and remembering all their names), giving speeches, attending parties and events, visiting people’s homes, and taking phone calls. However, the authors swear that a connector does not need to work long hours to reap the benefits of an all-day networking endeavor. Rather, by “cloning” events—that is, replicating meetings, dinners, and parties with different people in the connector’s circle—one can introduce individuals with common interests and expand one’s own network. Using in-person contact as a filter for true relevance, the connector budgets time, even when traveling, to meet and engage with multiple potential contacts. If in-person meetings don’t work, using technologies like Webex, Google Hangouts, or Skype are useful replacements to host “virtual happy hours” or professional update sessions. The key to the success of these “cloned" events is to mix up the attendance of people in your network and keep those contacts accountable.

For the Hall of Fame in this chapter, the authors describe how Abraham Lincoln’s success and greatness as president only came after a series of failures and losses in his personal, professional, and political life.

Chapter 12 argues that the power of shared interests brings people together and can be a limitless fuel for building a network. “Shared interests are the basic building blocks of any relationship” (106). Ferrazzi explains that his own interest in exercise and food has cultivated relationships from seemingly random chance-encounters. Passion is contagious, which is why sharing that passion is crucial to success in business. If people are attracted to your mission, your network will continue to build, diversify, and improve on all levels. The environments in which sharing your passion can occur are everywhere: restaurants, airports and airplanes, gyms and fitness clubs, churches, public parks, community gatherings, etc. The important point is to find which passions excite someone and which locations facilitate one’s conversing about that passion.

The authors recommend that readers “make a list of things you’re most passionate about” and “use your passions as a guide to which activities and events you should be seeking out” (109). To spread your passion, the authors recommend meeting with people in casual settings—over coffee, during a shared hobby or social outing, or short meal—and professional circumstances like conferences or volunteering.

These planned moments can be opportunities to share your passion within and beyond your network of connections.

This chapter tells readers that the “FOLLOW-UP IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS IN ANY FIELD” (112). The basic premise is that a new acquaintance needs to remember your name and the impression you created, ideally within 12-24 hours after you’ve met. Follow-up can occur in a variety of ways. Email and social media, like LinkedIn, are useful for random encounters and chance meetings. Setting up an established, secondary meeting is crucial for the follow-up.

The previous chapters’ tips on sharing passions can be useful to apply. Meeting for coffee or a quick meal can be a suggestion made to a new acquaintance that’s approachable and friendly. Handwritten thank-you notes and personal visits, if possible, are more heartfelt and go a long way in expressing generosity and sincerity. Forwarding relevant articles is also a method of contacting new acquaintances because it shows an interest in someone else’s success. Lastly, the authors recommend that follow-up messages should “express gratitude,” demonstrate your interest and engagement in the conversation by referencing specific details, confirm agreements, maintain a personal and professional tone, and be brief and well-timed.

By making follow-up a habit, the authors claim that “the days of struggling to remember people’s names – and of other people struggling to remember yours – will be a thing of the past” (115).

Ferrazzi advises readers on how best to establish relationships at industry and business conferences. Conferences “provide a forum to meet the kind of like-minded people who can help you fulfill your mission and goals” (116). Aiming to debunking the myth that conferences are only superficial networking events where people pass out their business cards after boring lectures, Ferrazzi and Raz believe that conferences are the best places to extend a professional network.

The authors challenge their readers to rethink the idea that conferences are only business-related; rather, they are an opportunity to plan “a well-coordinated campaign to further your mission” (118). To be a “conference commando” can be accomplished in a number of ways. First, Ferrazzi and Raz recommend that readers either help the organizers or become one themselves. By offering help to conference organizers or organizing one by yourself, a connector can gain access to the most important people at panels, speeches, and roundtable discussions. Second, the authors insist that public speaking should not scare the more timid connector and should be practiced to enhance their brand. Speaking at conferences has a number of benefits: it gives one a special status, making it easier to meet people; it affords a unique respect that differs from other attendees, and it provides instant credibility and faux-fame when you’re on stage.

The authors provide tips for how to profit from attending conferences. After meeting and connecting with individuals whom you wish to be in your network, one can organize an external get-together for dinner or drinks and even play “hooky” from a presentation. Another tip is to arrive early and try to meet with one of the headline speakers. Understanding when and where people will be can not only put one in the position to meet the conference power players, but also can make an individual indispensable to other attendees who need information on trade gossip, local restaurants, and private parties. The next tip is to use social media to become an amateur reporter on the conference proceedings. By being the first to draft and publish a short review of the speeches and panels, one can earn the respect (and views) of other people which contributes to individual credibility. The authors also remind readers about the importance of follow-up with a sample post-conference email. Memorizing a pitch about one’s personal brand and mission can turn incidental “bumps” into opportunities for meaningful connections. Lastly, the authors advise readers on who not to be at conferences: the wallflower, the ankle hugger, the celebrity hound, the smarmy eye darter, and the card dispenser/amasser.

Ferrazzi makes the case that befriending a “super-connector” can assist in one’s personal networking project. A “super-connector” is a person who maintains contact with thousands of people. For example, Ferrazzi proclaims to be a “super-connector”: a person who is only a phone call away from different worlds, industries, and opportunities. The authors’ advice is straightforward: add a “super-connector” to one’s network. By doing this, one can easily bridge the degrees of separation between networks of important people. Examples of “super-connectors” to meet include restaurateurs, headhunters, lobbyists, fund-raisers, public relations people, politicians, journalists, and authors, bloggers, or gurus. By tapping into the immense network of relationships that a “super-connector” has, one can share in their wealth of information, connection, and passion.

The Hall of Fame profile in this chapter describes how Paul Revere, the famous figure of the American Revolution, used the connections in his network to develop a warning system for the American colonists in their fight against the British. Revere’s connections as the owner of a silversmith shop in Boston’s North End helped the American Revolution counter the British assault.

Building on Chapter 15, Chapter 16 suggests that opening and connecting personal networks with others’ networks is mutually beneficial. Here, the authors introduce the idea of “host communities”: groups of people hailing from different social worlds who are loyal to specific people in power. While this “host community” is usually maintained by a politician, the authors claim that the idea can be adopted when expanding personal networks. When sharing someone else’s circle of friends, one should acknowledge the people from whose original circle they are benefitting.

Generosity and trust are integral to the exchange of networks “that demands treating the other person’s contacts with the utmost respect” (150). The authors provide two rules of thumb for sharing networks:

1. You and the person with whom you are sharing contacts must be equal partners who give as much as you get.
2. You must be able to trust your partners because, after all, you’re vouching for them, and their behavior with your network is a reflection on you.

Finally, the authors warn readers never to give one person complete access to your entire list of contacts. The exchange of contacts necessitates specific events and functions, and it reflects a genuine reciprocity between parties that should not be haphazardly given away or received.

The authors debunk another misconception about the act of networking: that small talk is boring. The authors insist on the opposite. Small talk is important because it is an opportunity to quickly and succinctly express goals and enlist others in helping one to achieve those goals. The objective for small talk is simple: “Start a conversation, keep it going, create a bond,” and leave with the new contact interested in speaking again (154).

The authors use this chapter to stress how important vulnerability is to the creation of meaningful relationships. Candid and vulnerable small talk shows people that one is genuine, honest, and open to new experiences and ideas. Here, Ferrazzi uses a personal example about attending an important dinner party after a hard breakup with his partner. He felt socially “off” the entire night and not genuine, until he admitted to his seat-mate that he just recently suffered a difficult breakup. Suddenly, the dynamics of the conversation changed; the seat-mate also opened up about their marital problems, and soon the entire table was riveted and engaged in their conversation.

This anecdote is followed by another Connector’s Hall of Fame Profile on the scholar Brené Brown, author of Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (2012).

The authors provide a list of tips for small talk. The list includes tips on learning nonverbal cues, being sincere, developing conversational currency, learning to listen, and exiting gracefully. Some more practical tips include giving a hearty smile, maintaining eye contact, unfolding arms, relaxing, nodding heads and leaning in, and learning to touch people appropriately during conversations.

The authors cite Carnegie in another Connector’s Hall of Fame to show that communicative, social, and outgoing people generally succeed in business more so than reserved and quiet people. Ferrazzi and Raz discuss Carnegie’s teachings to show how “small talk became a means for self-advancement” in the business world (167). They cite the “homespun logic” of Carnegie, like “smile,” “give honest and sincere appreciation” and “be a good listener,” to reflect how generosity and vulnerability enhance the practice of networking.