Modern Romance

A constant theme throughout the book is the idea that the ideologies of the changing culture have redefined how romance is approached in the modern age. Most notably, modern singles are looking for their soul mate. In previous generations, people often looked for a spouse that would fulfill their socially defined gender role: Men wanted women who would be good mothers and home keepers, while women desired men who could financially provide for the family. Today, those gender roles aren’t as rigidly defined, especially in the United States where many women go to college and have a career, activities that used to be unheard of. Because many women have become financially and socially independent, women are looking for true love instead of a husband with an ability to provide.

When Ansari spoke to women from older generations, many of them lamented the fact that they didn’t get a period of independence. During that time, women were expected to live at home under the authority of their parents until they got married. It was expected that women would marry young and start having children immediately. This is vastly different today, especially with the rise of the modern phenomenon called emerging adulthood, where young people are delaying marriage and families to attend college and explore their options. Whereas marriage and children used to be a rite of passage into adulthood, today’s youth are predominantly staying single throughout their twenties, dating around, and developing careers. Today, there isn’t the same stigma if a woman chooses not to get married or have children, and so many women don’t.

Because men and women aren’t looking for spouses who will solely fill a gender role within the home, young singles are looking for their soul mate instead. When Ansari asked modern couples what attracted them to their mates, they always gave answers that demonstrated how they viewed their partner as their best friend. Ansari notes that there are many benefits to seeking out true love over practicality, but there are also dangers. The divorce rate is higher than it’s ever been. Part of this comes down to the emerging ideology that modern people don’t want to settle. People no longer want to stay with their partner through difficult times because they know that there are other potentially limitless and better options. This is different from previous generations who often stayed together despite difficulties—not only was their option pool smaller, but during that time it was expected that people wouldn’t get divorced; this expectation made people work through their differences rather than giving up to find someone new.