Jesus' Son

One of the most consistent areas of exploration in Jesus’ Son is that of memory. F**khead is tortured by his memories; their effect is so pervasive in his life that he frequently interrupts the story he’s telling to relate a memory that pops into his head. Part of the reason that F**khead constantly does drugs is to suppress the memories that he finds painful; for instance, when describing why he goes to get drunk at bars like The Vine, F**khead says that “with each step my heart broke for the person I would never find, the person who’d love me” (30). In this case, the alcohol serves as a way to erase the memories of the people who used to love him.

The annihilation of drugs in Jesus’ Son is frequently compared to forgetting. When F**khead and Jack Hotel purchase bad drugs together, F**khead lives because he is remembered—he’s awoken by his girlfriend and a neighbor who discovered him passed out on the floor. Hotel, however, dies of an overdose because the people who were monitoring his breathing “forgot about him, and his breath failed without anybody’s noticing. He simply went under” (34). Memories, in “Out on Bail,” serve as sources of pain and regret, but also save the narrator’s life. Despite his struggles, F**khead is at least remembered by other people. He compares the randomness of Hotel’s death versus his own life in the final line of the story, writing, “I am still alive” (34). Memories are pain, but they also save lives. When F**khead gets sober at the end of the book, he finally gains an opportunity to access the memories that he’d suppressed, and thereby starts to gain redemption.