How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

“I’ve since learned that my reaction was not that unusual. I could be very accepting about most of the feelings the children had, but let one of them tell me something that made me angry or anxious and I’d instantly revert to my old way.”

The authors delve into the common parental challenge of emotional triggers, highlighting how difficult it can be to maintain composure when a child’s words provoke strong feelings of anger or anxiety. They reveal the natural tendency to revert to less effective, habitual responses despite efforts to change. By sharing this personal insight, the authors emphasize the complexity of emotional regulation in parenting, illustrating how even well-intentioned parents can struggle with consistency when their own emotions are at stake. This reflection highlights the importance of self-awareness and patience in the process of becoming a more empathetic and responsive parent.

“The process is no different for our children. They too can help themselves if they have a listening ear and an empathic response. But the language of empathy does not come naturally to us. It’s not part of our ‘mother tongue.’ Most of us grew up having our feelings denied. To become fluent in this new language of acceptance, we have to learn and practice its method.”

Here, the authors highlight the significance of empathy in parenting, pointing out that it is not an innate skill but rather one that requires intentional learning and practice. They acknowledge that many parents were raised in environments where emotions were often dismissed, which makes it challenging to naturally adopt a more empathetic approach with their own children. The authors suggest that developing fluency in this “new language of acceptance” is crucial for fostering emotional growth in children, emphasizing that parents must consciously work to break old patterns and embrace more supportive methods of communication. The authors’ personal reflections underline the transformative power of empathy in creating healthier parent-child relationships.

“When we acknowledge a child’s feelings, we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once he’s clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope.”

The authors refer to the transformative power of acknowledging a child’s emotions. They argue that by recognizing and validating a child’s feelings, parents provide more than just comfort—they actually facilitate the child’s ability to understand and manage their own emotions, Encouraging Autonomy in Children. The authors describe this approach as a “great service” because it shifts the focus from merely addressing behavior to fostering emotional intelligence. The authors highlight that this process empowers children to gain self-awareness and resilience, thereby equipping them to handle challenges more effectively. The use of phrases like “inner reality” and “gathers the strength” suggests that emotional validation is not just a supportive act but a foundational step in a child's emotional development.

“Parents don’t have that luxury. Somehow we have to deal with all the hurt, anger, and frustration and still retain our sanity. We know now that the old methods don’t work. All our explaining and reassuring bring no relief to the children, and wear us out.”

The authors address the emotional toll of traditional parenting methods, highlighting their ineffectiveness in providing comfort to children while simultaneously draining parents’ energy. The language used emphasizes the futility and exhaustion that result from repeatedly using these outdated approaches. The authors convey the idea that simply explaining or reassuring children is insufficient, suggesting the need for new, more effective communication strategies that preserve both the parent's and the child's emotional well-being. This excerpt underscores a critical turning point in the parenting approach advocated by the authors—one that moves away from methods that no longer serve their intended purpose.

“It’s important to be authentic. Sounding patient when I’m feeling angry can only work against me. Not only do I fail to communicate honestly; but because I’ve been ‘too nice,’ I wind up letting it out on my child later on.”

The authors discuss the significance of emotional authenticity in Effective Communication Between Parents and Children. They highlight the counterproductive nature of pretending to be calm when one is actually angry. The analysis reveals how this inauthenticity can lead to repressed emotions, which may eventually erupt inappropriately. The authors emphasize that honest communication, even when expressing negative emotions, fosters a healthier relationship and avoids the pitfalls of superficial niceness.

“What we like about giving information is that, in a sense, you’re giving the child a gift he can use forever. For the rest of his life, he’ll need to know that ‘milk turns sour when it’s not refrigerated,’ that ‘open cuts need to be kept clean,’ that ‘fruit needs to be washed before eating.’”

The authors emphasize the value of providing children with practical, factual information as a form of guidance that benefits them long-term. Rather than resorting to criticism or commands, they advocate for an approach that equips children with knowledge they can apply throughout their lives. The authors frame this information as a “gift,” underlining its lasting impact and the respect it shows for the child’s ability to learn and make informed decisions independently.

“We want to put an end to talk that wounds the spirit and search out the language that nourishes self-esteem. We want to create an emotional climate that encourages children to cooperate because they care about themselves, and because they care about us.”

The authors highlight their commitment to fostering positive communication that builds rather than diminishes a child’s sense of self-worth. They advocate for a shift from language that harms to one that supports and nurtures self-esteem. By creating an environment where children feel valued and understood, the authors suggest that cooperation will naturally follow, motivated by mutual respect and care rather than fear or obligation. This idea reflects their broader philosophy of empathetic and respectful parenting.

“We have to stop thinking of the child as a ‘problem’ that needs correction. We have to give up the idea that because we’re adults we always have the right answer.”

Faber and Mazlish emphasize the need to model healthy communication and behavior to children rather than simply asserting control and dealing out punitive discipline on the grounds of a traditional authoritarian power dynamic. The authors’ method encourages an approach grounded in empathy and humility, acknowledging the humanity of both parent and child.

“It requires a great act of faith to believe that if we take the time to sit down and share our real feelings with a young person, and listen to his feelings, together we’ll come up with solutions that will be right for both of us.”

The authors highlight the significant shift in mindset required for effective communication with children. They discuss the need for mutual respect and open dialogue, where both the parent and child express their true feelings. By developing this kind of honest communication, the authors suggest that solutions can be collaboratively developed, which also reinforces the importance of Fostering Mutual Respect and Understanding. This approach challenges traditional power dynamics, emphasizing partnership over authority.

“The hardest part is the shift we have to make in attitude. We have to stop worrying that if we’re not 'tough enough' the child will take advantage of us.”

The authors address the internal struggle parents often face in moving away from authoritarian approaches to discipline. They emphasize the importance of changing one's attitude and letting go of the fear that a more compassionate approach might lead to a loss of control or authority. The authors advocate for a shift from toughness to empathy, suggesting that true strength in parenting comes from understanding and guiding rather than controlling or intimidating. This change in mindset is essential for fostering a healthy, respectful relationship with children.

“What’s important for the child is that he continue to see himself as part of the solution rather than as part of the problem.”

Here, the authors highlight the significance of involving the child in problem-solving rather than framing them as the source of the issue. By making the child an active participant in finding solutions, parents empower them to take responsibility and build self-confidence. This approach shifts the dynamic from blame to collaboration, which promotes a sense of agency and reinforces the child’s ability to contribute positively to resolving challenges. The authors advocate for this method as a way to nurture the child’s self-esteem and problem-solving skills.

“By allowing them to do things for themselves, by permitting them to wrestle with their own problems, by letting them learn from their own mistakes.”

The authors discuss the importance of giving children the space to independently navigate challenges and learn from their experiences. They advocate for a parenting approach that prioritizes autonomy, emphasizing that allowing children to face and solve their own problems builds resilience and self-confidence. The authors convey this message by highlighting the value of mistakes as essential learning opportunities, suggesting that parental restraint in intervening helps a child grow into a capable and self-reliant individual, which reinforces the importance of Encouraging Autonomy in Children.

“When people are placed in dependent positions, along with a small amount of gratitude, they usually do experience massive feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, resentment, frustration, and anger.”

The authors delve into the emotional impact of dependency, emphasizing how being in a dependent position can lead to negative feelings such as helplessness and resentment, despite any initial gratitude. They argue that dependency often diminishes a person's sense of self-worth and autonomy, ultimately fostering frustration and anger. The authors use this insight to underscore the importance of encouraging independence, suggesting that fostering autonomy in children is crucial for their emotional well-being and development.

“Whenever we listen to children’s feelings, or share our own feelings with them, or invite them to problem-solve with us, we encourage their self-reliance.”

The authors highlight the role of empathetic communication in fostering a child’s self-reliance. By actively listening to children’s feelings, sharing the parents’ own emotions, and involving children in problem-solving, parents empower them to trust their own abilities and judgments. The authors suggest that this approach not only strengthens the child’s independence but also builds their confidence in handling life’s challenges, reinforcing the idea that supportive interaction is key to nurturing autonomy.

“The point is to find a word that will tell a youngster something about himself that he may not have known before—to give him a new verbal snapshot of himself.”

The authors emphasize the power of descriptive praise in shaping a child's self-concept. Rather than offering generic praise, they advocate for using specific words that help the child see themselves in a new light. By carefully choosing language that highlights a child’s strengths or actions, the praise becomes more meaningful, promoting self-awareness and confidence. The approach encourages children to internalize positive traits and abilities, which helps reinforce a stronger, more nuanced self-identity.

“Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child’s desire to accomplish for herself. Sometimes parents’ continual excitement can be experienced by the child as pressure.”

Here, the authors discuss the psychological impact of praise on children, emphasizing the unintended consequences that can arise from excessive enthusiasm. They discuss how this enthusiasm, although positive in nature, can lead a child to feel pressured rather than supported. They note that the method of delivering praise matters significantly—it should empower the child to find motivation within themselves rather than making them dependent on external approval. This discussion highlights the importance of promoting a child’s autonomy and self-driven accomplishments by offering praise that is thoughtful and measured, rather than overwhelming.

“When parents ‘beat up’ on themselves ‘I forgot my key again. What is the matter with me? That was such a dumb thing to do! How could I be so stupid? I’ll never learn.’), children conclude this is the proper way to treat themselves when they fail. Instead, we should provide a more humane, solution-oriented model.”

The authors explore the influence of parental behavior on a child’s self-perception and coping mechanisms, particularly when it comes to dealing with mistakes. They discuss how children observe and internalize the way parents react to their own errors, potentially adopting a harsh, self-critical approach. By emphasizing a more compassionate, solution-oriented response to mistakes, the authors advocate for modeling constructive behavior that encourages resilience and self-forgiveness in children. This approach helps children learn to handle their own failures with kindness rather than self-criticism, promoting a healthier emotional environment.

“Labeling a child was to be avoided at all costs. I agreed completely, and yet I couldn’t stop thinking of David as a ‘stubborn kid.’”

The author reflects on the way a nurse’s offhand remark about her newborn son being “stubborn” lingered in her mind, despite her awareness of the harmful effects of labeling. Through the lens of her personal experience, the author explores the broader issue of how easily parents, even subconsciously, can label their children based on initial impressions or recurring behaviors. She discusses how these labels, once internalized by both the parent and the child, can shape the child’s self-perception and behavior over time. The authors use this narrative to emphasize the insidious nature of labeling and its potential to confine children to restrictive roles, urging parents to be mindful of their thoughts and words, as even unspoken labels can significantly impact a child’s development.

“How your parents think of you can often be communicated in seconds. When you multiply those seconds by the hours of daily contact between parents and children, you begin to realize how powerfully young people can be influenced by the way their parents view them. Not only are their feelings about themselves affected, but so is their behavior.”

The authors emphasize the lasting impact that a parent’s perception of their child can have on the child’s self-image and behavior. They discuss how even brief interactions, when repeated consistently over time, can shape a child’s identity and influence how they act and see themselves. The authors highlight the critical role parents play in either reinforcing positive self-perceptions or inadvertently fostering negative ones, illustrating the importance of mindful and thoughtful communication in everyday parenting.

“Almost everyone in the group had a memory to share. When the session ended, we just sat there and looked at each other. The father who had started us all remembering shook his head in wonderment. When he spoke, he spoke for all of us. ‘Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person’s life!’”

The authors highlight the collective realization among parents attending the workshop to illustrate the significant and lasting impact their words can have on their children’s lives. By sharing personal memories, the group recognizes how deeply words can shape a child’s self-perception and future behavior. The authors specifically refer to a father’s concluding remark to emphasize parents’ need to remain conscious of the language and messages they convey to their children. The authors use this reflective group experience to underscore the broader Importance of Effective Communication Between Parents and Children.

“Parents have pointed out to us that the process of freeing children from playing out roles is a complicated one. It involves not only a whole change of attitude toward a child but also requires a working knowledge of many skills.” 

The authors share insights gathered from the experiences of other parents, emphasizing the complexity of freeing children from restrictive roles. They highlight that this process requires not just a shift in attitude but also a deep understanding and application of various parenting skills. By referencing the collective experiences of parents, the authors emphasize the importance of a comprehensive and skillful approach to parenting, noting that it involves continuous effort and growth to effectively support a child’s development.

“But life isn’t a neat little script that can be memorized and performed. The real-life dramas that children engage us in every day don’t give us time for rehearsal or careful thought.” 

The authors emphasize the unpredictability of parenting, noting that it doesn’t follow a predetermined script, reminding parents that it’s normal to encounter unexpected challenges, and that they won’t always have a perfect response ready. They emphasize that the everyday situations parents face with their children are unscripted, spontaneous, and often happen without the opportunity for careful preparation to encourage grace and self-forgiveness in the difficult task of parenting.

“Let’s start thinking of ourselves as human beings first, with great potential for growth and change. The process of living or working with children is demanding and exhausting. It requires heart, intelligence, and stamina. When we don't live up to our own expectations—and we won't always—let's be as kind to ourselves as we are to our youngsters.”

The authors shift the focus to parents, urging them to recognize their own humanity and capacity for growth. They acknowledge the challenges and demands of parenting, highlighting that mistakes and shortcomings are inevitable. By advocating for self-compassion, the authors suggest that just as parents are encouraged to be patient and understanding with their children, they should also extend the same kindness to themselves. This approach promotes a balanced and forgiving perspective on the complexities of parenting.