65 pages • 2 hours read
David BrooksHow to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2023A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 3, Chapters 15-17Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 3: “I See You With Your Struggles”
Part 3, Chapter 15 Summary: “Life Stories”
Brooks explores the importance of understanding and sharing life stories. Drawing on the work of psychologists like Dan McAdams and Nicholas Epley, Brooks emphasizes the value of allowing people to narrate their life experiences. McAdams’ research involves inviting individuals to share their life stories, which reveals that many people are eager to be heard and understood. Epley’s experiments demonstrate that people often underestimate the joy and connection that can come from engaging in conversations and emphasizes the need for increased social interaction. Brooks advocates for breaking the cultural barriers that hinder people from asking about each other’s life stories, and attributes this reluctance to busyness and social anxiety.
Brooks personally reflects on his experiences by sharing an anecdote of a plane journey where he engaged in conversation with an elderly gentleman, discovering the twists and turns of his life. He draws attention to the different modes of thinking proposed by psychologist Jerome Bruner, such as paradigmatic thinking, which is analytical and argumentative, and narrative thinking, which focuses on understanding the individual. Brooks contends that society is paradigmatic rich and narrative poor, which is exemplified by political talk shows that avoid personal stories in favor of scripted debates. He advocates for a shift towards storytelling conversations, and asking questions that prompt people to share their life stories.
The author emphasizes the significance of crafting an accurate and coherent life story, stating that it is a vital skill not taught in schools. Brooks believes that a stable identity and meaningful life can only be achieved by understanding and telling one’s story. He suggests that people should transition from asking about opinions to asking about the events and influences that shape one’s beliefs, which will encourage a more personal and open-ended narrative, highlighting The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Human Connection.
As Brooks listens to others’ stories, he focuses on specific elements, such as the characteristic tone of voice, which reveals a person’s attitude toward the world. He explores the phenomenon of inner speech, describing the internal dialogue or narrative that individuals experience within their minds. Brooks discusses various types of inner voices identified by researchers such as Charles Fernyhough, and Russell T. Hurlburt, and discusses how inner voice can take various forms, such as normal speech, a torrent of idea fragments, or half-formed thoughts. Additionally, Brooks touches upon the concept of imago, an idealized image of oneself, often influenced by societal archetypes to display the “role that person hopes to play in society” (221). By referring to movies like Suicide Squad (221) and quoting actors like Will Smith and Viola Davis, Brooks discusses how our imagoes or self-perception is often deeply connected to pivotal moments and experiences from our past.
Moreover, he discusses the commonality of redemption stories, where individuals see their lives as overcoming challenges and emerging stronger. Brooks acknowledges that life stories are subject to interpretation and may be influenced by narrative crises, requiring individuals to revisit and refine their narratives.
Part 3, Chapter 16 Summary: “How Do Your Ancestors Show Up in Your Life?”
Brooks discusses the significance of ancestral influences on individuals and how cultural legacies shape our identities. Brooks uses the life of Zora Neale Hurston as a case study to illustrate how one’s origins can impact their worldview. Hurston’s upbringing in Eatonville, an all-Black town in Florida, played a crucial role in shaping her as an individual and as a writer. Brooks emphasizes the idea that our roots are sacred, and the places we come from remain etched in our memories, which influences our perspectives. He reflects on his own connection to Manhattan, while highlighting the emotional attachment to the specific locations and experiences that span generations. Brooks contends that revisiting childhood homes is a common practice among artists seeking spiritual nourishment and understanding of self.
The chapter explores Hurston’s early exposure to the rich culture of Eatonville, particularly the storytelling sessions on Joe Clarke’s store porch. The raw material for Hurston’s later career as a writer came from the language, stories, and folklore she absorbed during these sessions. Brooks argues that the intersection of individualism and community in Eatonville shaped Hurston’s worldview and influenced her contributions to Black culture through her writings.
Brooks underscores the idea that every person is a part of a long cultural movement, shaped by the choices of their ancestors. He cites the work of Alberto Alesina, Paola Giuliano, and Nathan Nunn, who found correlations between cultural traits and historical agricultural practices. For instance, plow-heavy agriculture cultures tend to have strongly defined gender roles, while non-plow farming cultures exhibit less defined gender roles. Brooks contends that understanding a person requires acknowledging their dual role as inheritors and creators of culture.
The chapter further delves into cultural psychology, with examples of tight and loose cultures studied by Michele Gelfand. Gelfand suggests that certain groups, facing common threats like infectious diseases and invasions, developed tight cultures emphasizing social discipline, conformity, and unity during crises. In contrast, groups in areas with fewer threats formed loose cultures characterized by individualism, creativity, but also civic disorganization and recklessness. Gelfand applies this framework to the United States, identifying it as a classic loose culture, highlighting the nation’s individualistic and creative tendencies but also its civic fragmentation and lack of coordination.
Additionally, Brooks discusses research by Richard Nisbett, Joseph Henrich, and David Hackett Fischer, which illustrate the impact of early settlement patterns on cultural behaviors. Brooks asserts that these historical influences still shape contemporary characteristics, impacting education, crime rates, political alignments, and social attitudes across regions, highlighting the deep-rooted nature of cultural patterns in American society. Brooks closes the chapter by reflecting on his own Jewish identity. He shares that despite his deviation from certain religious practices, he remains deeply connected to Jewish cultural values. He stresses the audacious moral journey embedded in Jewish tradition and how this conviction shapes his approach to life.
Part 3, Chapter 17 Summary: “What Is Wisdom?”
Brooks explains the concept of wisdom by exploring instances where individuals deeply understand and connect with others. Through personal anecdotes, historical events, and examples from literature, Brooks redefines wisdom, and asserts that it involves more than offering advice; it begins with witnessing another’s story. Brooks emphasizes the essential quality of receptivity in wise individuals, which helps create a hospitable atmosphere where people can share authentically. He challenges the conventional view of wisdom associated with delivering easy answers and favors a more patient and compassionate approach that involves seeing individuals in their noble struggles, referring to an example of his friend’s daughter and her teacher’s praise on her ability to think before speaking.
Brooks highlights the role of Lori Gottlieb, a therapist, who, in her work with a self-absorbed and narcissistic client named John, exemplifies the delicate balance between deference and defiance. Rather than reducing John to a diagnostic label, Gottlieb aims to understand the person behind the diagnosis, patiently accompanying him through his struggles. The story unfolds as John gradually reveals suppressed emotions and traumas, leading to a more authentic understanding of himself. Brooks cites this case to illustrate the importance of mental toughness in wise receptivity, where confrontation is balanced with understanding, and he quotes theologian Henri Nouwen; “Confrontation without receptivity leads to an oppressive aggression which hurts everybody” (259).
Brooks draws from Tracy Kidder’s book Strength in What Remains (255), recounting the connection between Kidder and Deogratia, a Burundian man who survived genocide and later thrived in New York. The author then delves into a case study from the movie Good Will Hunting (259) to illustrate the power of critique with care. He emphasizes the importance of critiquing others with maximal support, and focusing on creating a zone of hospitality where individuals can lay down their defenses.
Brooks then shifts to the concept of a “community of truth” (263), emphasizing that wisdom is a social skill practiced within relationships. He describes how genuine interest and exploration, devoid of judgment, lead to a collective understanding where individuals try on each other’s perspectives. In this context, he introduces the idea of loops, wherein shared thoughts create a sense of interconnected minds, which promotes empathy, reiterating The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Human Connection.
The author extends the notion of a community of truth to various settings, from classrooms to scientific enterprises, and discusses how shared exploration leads to a richer understanding of the world. He reflects on the importance of friendships, where friends not only delight but also hold up a mirror for self-reflection, contributing to personal growth. Brooks concludes with an example from Kathryn Schulz’s memoir, underscoring the impact of being truly seen in the context of family relationships.
Throughout this chapter, Brooks underscores the shift from impersonal knowledge to personal understanding, and advocates for a more compassionate and empathetic way of knowing others. He acknowledges his own challenges in fully mastering these skills, citing instances where he missed crucial conversational moments, and demonstrates a commitment to continuous self-improvement.
Part 3, Chapters 15-17 Analysis
In this part, Brooks explores the significance of life stories, ancestral influences, and the concept of wisdom using a variety of techniques to convey his arguments, including anecdotes, examples, personal experiences, and research studies. In Chapter 15, Brooks shares personal anecdotes, such as his conversation with Dan McAdams and his experience of talking to strangers on a plane or train. Similarly, Brooks begins Chapter 16 with the story of Zora Neale Hurston, providing a vivid narrative of her early life, family dynamics, and the cultural milieu of Eatonville, Florida. This personal story helps illustrate the influence of ancestry and cultural roots on an individual’s identity. Brooks shares personal experiences and reflections, such as his memories of growing up in Manhattan, which highlights how a specific place becomes associated with memories and emotions. In Chapter 17, Brooks shares a story about a friend’s daughter struggling in second grade, and how one teacher’s comment about her ability to think before speaking turned her year around, to illustrate the transformative power of wisdom.
Brooks also incorporates studies and experts’ opinions to provide a logical and scientific ground for his arguments. For instance, in Chapter 15, Brooks incorporates research studies by psychologists such as Dan McAdams study on how people construct their life narratives, particularly the aspects of high points, low points, and turning points, to underscore the emotional impact and positive outcomes of sharing life stories during research sessions. He also refers to Epley’s research on the reluctance to initiate conversations to highlight people’s underestimation of the joy and connection that can result from engaging in meaningful conversations, highlighting The Significance of Deep and Meaningful Human Connection.
Moreover, in Chapter 15, Brooks draws on Jerome Bruner’s distinction between the paradigmatic mode (analytical thinking) and the narrative mode (understanding the unique individual). This contrast helps emphasize the depth and personal connection achieved through storytelling. He also refers to the psychologists Russell T. Hurlburt and Charles Fernyhough’s insights on inner speech, strengthening his arguments about the diversity and complexity of the inner voice. In Chapter 16, the juxtaposition of Alberto Alesina, Paola Giuliano, and Nathan Nunn’s research findings about plow-heavy agriculture and gender roles demonstrates Brooks’s use of historical and sociological research to support his claims. By citing the work of cultural psychologist Michele Gelfand on tight and loose cultures, Brooks introduces empirical evidence to illustrate how cultural differences impact social behaviors. In Chapter 17, Brooks refers to the theologian Henri Nouwen’s opinion on confrontation and receptivity, which adds an authoritative voice to the discussion on how wise individuals balance confrontation and receptivity.
Brooks uses metaphors to convey complex ideas by drawing parallels with familiar concepts, enhancing the reader’s understanding and engagement. In Chapter 15, Brooks uses the metaphor of life as a “blizzard of random events” (218) to convey the idea that life often seems chaotic, filled with unpredictable and uncontrollable occurrences, helping readers visualize the complexity of life and the difficulty of finding meaning in the midst of the constant swirl of events. Brooks also uses descriptive language in Chapter 15 to convey the sense of joy and fulfilment that arises from sharing life stories. For instance, he describes people as “eager, often desperate, to be seen, heard, and understood” (214) creating a vivid image of the human need for connection. In Chapter 16, the metaphor of “jumping at the sun” (229) that Zora Neale Hurston’s mother used to encourage her daughter becomes a powerful image, symbolizing ambition, aspiration, and reaching for something beyond one’s immediate circumstances. Brooks uses the metaphor of “living our childhoods at least twice” (231) to convey the idea that individuals revisit their early experiences in adulthood, seeking to understand their significance and impact.
Brooks also incorporates quotes from philosophers and writers to lend authority to his ideas. In Chapter 15, he refers to Isak Dinesen; “All sorrows can be borne if you put them into a story” (217), to underline the therapeutic power of storytelling. In Chapter 15, Brooks refers to movies like “Suicide Squad” (221) and quotes actors like Will Smith and Viola Davis to exemplify the concept of imago. Similarly, in Chapter 17, the author refers to a scene from the movie “Good Will Hunting” (259), where the therapist confronts Will Hunting about his fears and vulnerabilities. This scene serves as an example of critiquing with care, pointing out someone’s shortcomings in a way that offers support and understanding. In addition, these references from popular culture make the concepts more accessible for readers.
Related Titles
By David Brooks
