How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing

“Care tasks are morally neutral. Being good or bad at them has nothing to do with being a good person, parent, man, woman, spouse, friend. Literally nothing. You are not a failure because you can’t keep up with laundry. Laundry is morally neutral.”

Davis argues that care tasks, such as laundry, are morally neutral and not indicative of a person’s worth or character. She challenges societal norms that equate cleanliness with morality, asserting that one’s ability to manage household chores has no bearing on their value as a person. This perspective aims to alleviate the shame and guilt often associated with domestic responsibilities, and to promote Fostering Self-Compassion in Care Practices.

“Mess has no inherent meaning. When you look at the pile of dishes in the sink and think, ‘I’m such a failure,’ that message did not originate from the dishes. Dishes don’t think. Dishes don’t judge. Dishes cannot make meaning—only people can.”

Davis argues that messes, such as a pile of dishes, are inherently meaningless and that the negative judgments we associate with them are self-imposed. She highlights how these judgments stem from internalized societal pressures rather than the objects themselves. By personifying dishes as incapable of thought or judgment, Davis underscores the irrationality of linking self-worth to domestic cleanliness, encouraging a shift toward self-compassion and away from unnecessary self-criticism.

“When we are stuck in this cycle, we often are suffering under the constant barrage of our inner bully. ‘Look at this filth; you are so lazy.’ ‘How could you let it get like this?’ ‘You don’t deserve a shower; look what you’ve done to your room.’”

Davis discusses the damaging effects of self-critical thoughts, or the “inner bully,” that arise when faced with household messes. She illustrates how this negative self-talk perpetuates a cycle of shame and paralysis, where individuals berate themselves for perceived failures. By emphasizing the harshness of these internal judgments, Davis highlights the need to interrupt this cycle by Fostering Self-Compassion in Care Practices and having realistic expectations, as she aims to replace self-criticism with a more supportive and understanding internal dialogue.

“Keeping things functional is the point because here’s the thing: it will look like that again tomorrow only if I clean it today. If I don’t clean it, it will be even more messy because we live here and we create mess. And if tomorrow’s mess on top of today’s mess is going to make my space not function for me, then it’s time to reset the space.”

Davis emphasizes the importance of maintaining functionality in the home rather than striving for unattainable perfection. She acknowledges the inevitability of mess due to daily living and argues that the goal should be to reset the space to a functional state rather than achieving a spotless environment. This pragmatic approach encourages consistent, manageable upkeep, which helps reduce the stress and guilt associated with trying to maintain an idealized level of cleanliness.

“Although men may struggle with completing care tasks, they are less likely to receive the message from society that they are not worthy of love or not valid as a human if they are not good at these tasks.”

Davis critiques the societal double standards that place disproportionate pressure on women to excel in care tasks. She highlights that while men may also struggle with household duties, they are less likely to face societal judgment or have their worth questioned based on their domestic abilities. By contrasting these experiences, Davis underscores the gendered expectations that contribute to women’s emotional burden and calls for a more equitable and compassionate understanding of care responsibilities.

“I did not fold even one article of clothing until my baby was seven months old. For seven months my entire family lived out of a giant pile of clean clothes that spanned the entire surface of my laundry room floor.”

Davis highlights the practicality and self-compassion necessary during overwhelming periods, such as postpartum life. By sharing her experience of not folding laundry for seven months, she challenges traditional housekeeping standards and emphasizes prioritizing essential tasks over maintaining perfection. Davis advocates for a non-judgmental approach, encouraging readers to adapt their routines to their current needs, which helps foster a more forgiving and realistic attitude towards household management.

“Feeling shame for not being sustainable, for eating meat, or for purchasing fast fashion when you are fighting to get through the day is not going to cause you to magically gain the ability to do something different. Shame is a horrible long-term motivator.”

Davis critiques the counterproductive nature of shame as a motivator for lifestyle changes, such as sustainability or dietary choices. She argues that feeling ashamed for not meeting certain standards, especially when struggling with basic daily survival, does not lead to positive change but rather exacerbates stress and self-criticism. Davis argues that shame is ineffective in ensuring long-term motivation, advocating instead for self-compassion and realistic goal-setting to achieve sustainable improvements in personal habits.

“The goal then is to take steps that reduce harm, first to self, then to those individuals around us, then to our community. You cannot jump right to community harm reduction before first addressing individual harm reduction.”

Davis emphasizes a tiered approach to harm reduction, starting with the individual and extending outward to the community. She argues that one must first address personal well-being and reduce self-harm before effectively contributing to broader societal efforts. By prioritizing individual harm reduction, Davis underscores the importance of building a solid foundation of self-care, which is essential for sustainable and meaningful engagement in community-focused initiatives.

“I struggled to get dishes done as a single and childless person for my whole life. You do not need to have children for your struggles with care tasks to be valid.”

Davis asserts that difficulties with care tasks are valid regardless of parental status. She challenges the notion that only parents face legitimate struggles with household duties by sharing her own experiences as a single, childfree person. Davis's emphasis on the universality of these challenges seeks to normalize and validate everyone's struggles with care tasks, which helps promote a more inclusive and compassionate understanding of domestic responsibilities.

“My point is, sometimes it helps to consider your body as separate from you. You have a body—you are not your body. So even if you think your body is a little bit ratty, you can get to know it, slowly, curiously, nonjudgmentally, by caring for it. And it might end up your friend.”

Davis encourages a perspective shift in how individuals relate to their bodies, advocating for a separation between self-identity and physical appearance. By suggesting that one should view their body as an entity distinct from their core self, Davis promotes a compassionate, nonjudgmental approach to self-care. This mindset allows for a gradual and curious relationship with one’s body, fostering self-acceptance and ultimately transforming the body into a “friend” rather than a source of shame or dissatisfaction.

“So while doing a pile of laundry may feel like an accomplishment, it is valid to launder three pairs of underwear as a form of self-care. You have full permission to do a little, do it with shortcuts, and do the bare minimum. Perfectionism is debilitating. I want you to embrace adaptive imperfection.”

Davis addresses the debilitating effects of perfectionism by emphasizing the validity of small, manageable tasks as forms of self-care, advocating for The Practical Integration of Mental Wellness into Daily Routines. She uses the example of laundering just a few items to illustrate that significant accomplishments do not always have to involve extensive effort. Davis discusses this concept in a reassuring and empowering tone, aiming to shift the reader’s perspective from an all-or-nothing approach to one that values incremental progress.

“You do not have to earn the right to rest, connect, or recreate. Unlearn the idea that care tasks must be totally complete before you can sit down.”

Here, the author challenges the ingrained belief that rest and leisure must be earned through the completion of care tasks. She addresses the detrimental mindset that one must finish all chores before taking a break, which often leads to exhaustion and burnout. Davis advocates for a more humane approach, asserting that everyone inherently deserves rest, connection, and recreation regardless of their productivity. By encouraging readers to “unlearn” this restrictive notion, she aims to foster a healthier balance between work and rest, promoting overall well-being and self-compassion.

“Care tasks should be divided in such a way that there is time for everyone to rest and keep the home functioning. In partnerships with children, rest times likely have to be more structured—looking more like protected times in the week when you can decide what you will do without having to ‘get someone to cover.’”

Davis emphasizes the importance of equitable division of care tasks to ensure that everyone in a household—particularly in partnerships with children—has time to rest. She discusses the need for structured rest periods, highlighting that in busy family dynamics, rest should be seen as a protected and essential part of the routine. Davis aims to shift the focus from constant productivity to a balanced approach where home functioning does not come at the expense of individual well-being. By advocating for scheduled rest times, she underscores the necessity of intentional planning to achieve a sustainable and supportive home environment.

“What does help is to just let yourself move as slowly as you need to. No timers. No agenda. You may not get it all done. But you get more done than you would’ve if you hadn’t done anything.”

Here, Davis advises embracing a slow, unstructured approach to completing tasks, countering the pressure of rigid schedules and productivity standards. She encourages readers to move at their own pace without the constraints of timers or agendas, recognizing that any progress is valuable, even if the task remains incomplete. Davis’s approach aims to reduce the stress and overwhelm often associated with care tasks, which helps promote a gentler, more compassionate mindset. By validating incremental progress, she addresses the importance of self-compassion and realistic expectations in maintaining mental health and household functionality.

“Contribution and productivity are not moral values—but nonexploitation and humility are. When someone demands the benefits of being a part of a family but refuses responsibilities to that family of which they are capable, it’s a form of entitlement that exploits the other members of that family.”

Davis challenges the conflation of productivity and moral value by emphasizing that contribution to a family should be rooted in nonexploitation and humility rather than mere output. She critiques the sense of entitlement exhibited by individuals who seek familial benefits without shouldering their fair share of responsibilities. By framing this behavior as exploitative, Davis underscores the importance of equitable participation in family dynamics. Her analysis aims to recalibrate how we perceive contribution, advocating for a balance where responsibilities are shared according to capability, which helps promote mutual respect and support within the family unit.

“Your children will never experience mess the way you did if you are safe and loving. Toys on the floor will mean nothing to them but a parent who cared enough to buy them. Dishes in the sink will represent to them a parent who always fed them.”

Davis reassures parents that the presence of household messes will not negatively impact their children if the home is characterized by safety and love. She contrasts the potentially negative associations adults might have with mess due to their own past experiences with the neutral or even positive associations children can develop. By framing toys on the floor and dishes in the sink as symbols of care and provision, Davis aims to alleviate parental guilt and anxiety about household imperfections. Her message emphasizes that emotional nurturing and safety are far more significant to a child’s well-being than a perfectly tidy home, as she encourages parents to focus on creating a loving environment rather than striving for unrealistic cleanliness standards.

“My favorite phrase for well-meaning family is, ‘I know you want to see me in a functioning environment and I want you to know that I want that for myself also. I am on my own journey to find what works for me and what I need most from you is nonjudgmental support.’”

Davis addresses how to handle well-meaning but potentially critical family members regarding household management, thereby addressing another component of Combating Stigma Associated with Household Management and Mental Health. She emphasizes the importance of maintaining a nonjudgmental support system, acknowledging the mutual desire for a functional environment. Davis provides a practical approach by suggesting a clear and respectful communication strategy that asserts personal boundaries while offering specific ways family members can help. This method aims to transform potentially negative interactions into supportive ones, highlighting the need for empathy and constructive assistance in navigating care tasks.

“Practicing a care task you directly experience as actual care, like putting a pair of slippers by your bed at night, can help you get the motivation to do the other things as well. I’m not suggesting you try putting slippers by your bed—what you choose to practice on will be unique to what’s important to you.”

Davis underscores the significance of performing small, personally-meaningful care tasks as a way to build motivation for more challenging ones, reflecting The Practical Integration of Mental Wellness into Daily Routines. By using the example of placing slippers by the bed, she illustrates how a simple, nurturing action can serve as a catalyst for broader household responsibilities. Davis emphasizes the individuality of care tasks, encouraging readers to identify and practice tasks that resonate with their personal values and needs.

“Missing days is morally neutral. I can miss days or decide to do something different anytime I want or need to. Confession: I have never once followed through on the dusting day on my schedule.”

Davis challenges the notion that consistency in care tasks is a moral obligation, affirming that it is acceptable to miss days or change routines as needed. By candidly admitting her own inconsistency with scheduled tasks like dusting, she normalizes the reality that strict adherence to routines is often unrealistic. Davis’s approach promotes a flexible, forgiving attitude towards household management, emphasizing that self-worth is not tied to perfect execution.

“It only takes about thirty minutes to do these little closing duties, but I know it’s going to make future KC have an easier time functioning tomorrow.”

Davis refers to “future KC” to personify her future self, emphasizing the importance of self-care and planning ahead. By doing small “closing duties” at the end of the day, she makes her future self’s tasks easier, highlighting the idea of being kind to oneself through practical actions. Davis uses this concept to illustrate how a small investment of time can significantly reduce stress and improve functionality for the next day.

“Quit beating yourself up for having a skill deficit when what you really have is a support deficit. Self-care was never meant to be a replacement for community care.”

Davis distinguishes between skill deficits and support deficits, urging readers to stop blaming themselves for struggling with care tasks. She asserts that the real issue often lies in a lack of support rather than personal inadequacy. Davis critiques the overemphasis on self-care as a substitute for community support, highlighting that self-care alone is insufficient without a supportive network. By addressing this, she advocates for a collective approach to care, emphasizing the importance of community and shared responsibilities in overcoming challenges and promoting well-being.

“Whether it’s hiring a cleaning service, meal delivery, curbside groceries, or using a wash and fold, as long as you treat people with respect and pay them what they are worth, it’s all morally neutral.”

Davis normalizes the use of external services to manage household tasks, such as cleaning services, meal delivery, or curbside groceries, asserting that these choices are morally neutral when service providers are treated with respect and paid fairly. She challenges the guilt and stigma often associated with outsourcing domestic responsibilities, emphasizing that utilizing these services does not diminish one's worth or capability.

“Feeding your body is a care task. Resting your body is a care task. Taking medication to control health symptoms is a care task. Moving your body is a care task. Physical therapy and other healing activities are care tasks. It’s a wonderful thing to investigate what foods and nutrients help your body function and feel best. But making or keeping yourself thin is not a care task.”

Davis emphasizes the broad spectrum of activities that constitute care tasks, such as feeding, resting, taking medication, and engaging in physical therapy. She highlights the importance of nourishing and healing the body through these essential actions. However, Davis distinguishes these genuine care tasks from societal pressures to achieve thinness, asserting that making or keeping oneself thin is not a true care task. By doing so, she critiques the conflation of health with body size and redirects focus towards holistic well-being.