Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved

Bowler describes her husband, Toban, in glowing terms. The couple fell in love when she was a 15-year-old teenager, and their romance has continued for more than 20 years. Their relationship is powerfully impacted but not diminished by her cancer diagnosis. Toban is a member of the Mennonite community to which Bowler feels akin. This is one of the qualities she finds so attractive about him. She writes that, as their relationship grew more serious in their later teens, his family adopted her as a member of his clan.

Throughout Bowler’s initial year-long struggle with cancer, Toban is steadfast in his support and presence. When he speaks, he is the voice of reason, as when assuring her that the positive pregnancy test she has just taken is probably correct. Bowler describes their communication primarily in terms of glances, emotional expressions, and embraces. She writes of watching him silently on occasion, describing her concern and admiration for him more often than she relays their conversations. Bowler says that she and Toban negotiate how long into the future they should make plans, without letting the reader in on their discussion.

Just as Bowler’s parents made her outstanding education possible, so Toban follows her from Manitoba, to Connecticut, and then to North Carolina. When Bowler flies weekly to Atlanta for cancer treatments—afterward promptly returning to her duties at Duke—Toban remains in Durham to care for their son. Bowler never reveals what profession, if any, Toban has. When asked what Toban will do if she dies, Bowler ventures that he will return to Canada. Bowler paints herself as a driving force whom Toban willingly follows.

Bowler writes at length of the unfulfilled desire she and Toban shared to have a child. She finds their quest ironic in that, for the first decade of their marriage, they avoided the possibility of having children. Their efforts to have a baby encountered a number of complications, including intrusive medical processes, unhelpful comments from church members, and a miscarriage. It was only during a time of suggested waiting that Bowler discovered she was pregnant, a circumstance she could scarcely allow herself to believe was true.

Her pregnancy with Zach is one of the three major health challenges Bowler records. The first and worst is colon cancer. The second is a joint problem she encounters while working on her dissertation that prevents her from using her arms. The third is her pregnancy, which ends in an emergency caesarian section and is physically much more arduous than expected. However, Zach’s birth renews her life, vitality, and joy. As she writes in her dedication, “Zach, my darling, I can see now how my beautiful life was always for you” (vii).

Bowler adores her son and agonizes over the possibility she might not get to see him grow up, describing his toddler personality as extremely energetic and rambunctious. She says he loves, in order, his mother, his father, and tractors. The suddenness of Bowler’s cancer treatment negatively impacts Zach. Only able to see his mother for two minutes in the hospital after her surgery, he screams when she cannot hold him. His attempts to sit with her following her return from the hospital are unfulfilling because of her unhealed sutures. Zach’s young age along with Bowler’s inability to explain to him what is happening inspire Bowler to write letters to him. She yearns to find a way to survive and watch her son grow up.