Elena Vanishing

Ten months later, Elena is preparing for a new semester and her role as a resident assistant (RA) in the dorms. She gets a free dorm to stay in as well as a salary for the position. Elena is also talking to her sister again and will soon be her maid of honor. However, Valerie recently announced she is pregnant, which Elena thinks is a horrible turn of events. Elena feels like she has her entire life planned out to each exact detail. She looks at the recent tattoo on her back of a mermaid, which to Elena represents her anorexia. She had it put on her back because so that it would always be with her without her having to look at it if she doesn’t want to. Elena was finally diagnosed with anorexia nervosa but continues to refuse to gain weight.

After spending some time decorating her dorm as a safe space for freshmen, Elena shows up for RA orientation. When the group discusses sensitivity training and whether anyone has experienced a disability or psychological condition, Elena bravely announces that she has an eating disorder. Later, Elena gets a call from the RA manager, who wants her to meet early the next morning. Elena agrees and finds that she has been set up to attend a counselling session, but all her manager will tell her otherwise is that she seems stressed. Elena is then told that she should take the rest of the day off and rest. That night, her manager comes to her dorm to check on her and minutes later sends the police. Elena is flabbergasted and claims to be fine, but the next morning, she’s fired from her RA position and evicted. After being told she wouldn’t make a good role model for new students, Elena packs up to leave. She feels robbed of an experience she greatly looked forward to, but she refuses to cry.

Various aspects of Elena’s life start to crumble. She missed Valerie’s wedding, she lives at home now, and she is in constant pain. One day, she nearly misses an exam and blames her mother for not waking her up. Elena almost blacks out after her exam and forgets that her mother is supposed to pick her up from school. 

Elena is thinking about a second tattoo, but her mother disapproves of them. Still, Elena convinces her mother to stop at the tattoo parlor and pick up the sketch for the next design. She tries to show her mother because the tattoo features a character from one of Elena’s mother’s books wandering through a forest (Clare Dunkle is a writer). The girl, named Kate, has hair inspired by Tori Amos, who stayed strong after the experience of rape and who is an inspiration to Elena.

Later, Elena tries to sleep, but Meghan keeps calling, wanting her help with an assignment. Elena goes over to Meghan’s place, writes an essay for her, and stops at Burger King afterward. Elena eats two full meals and then hates herself for it, so she throws everything up into a bag. That night, a guy texts Elena for a “booty call” and Elena agrees to go, feeling like such experiences make her powerful and beautiful.

Elena finds out that she’s pregnant after getting into a semi-relationship with someone named Kevin, whom Elena was seeing because she pitied him. When Elena gets an ultrasound and hears the heartbeat, she is overcome with emotion and love for her future child. Moments later, she is told that her pregnancy isn’t viable because her body is too low in nutrition. When Kevin hears about the pregnancy, he tells Elena to get an abortion, which she finds extremely hurtful. That night, Elena lies in bed, hoping that by some miracle she will be able to have her baby. Instead, contractions begin and she miscarries in the bathroom. Elena stares at the “infinitesimally tiny pale form” and washes it down the sink (169). As she does so, she realizes that anorexia is killing her and that it killed her chance to have a child as well.

Elena spends three weeks in bed mourning the loss of her pregnancy and what she thinks is a hopeless existence before her. She admits to her mother that she regrets not going into treatment a year ago, and her mother gets to work arranging for treatment now. She finds a space for Elena at a treatment center called Clove House, and Elena and her mother begin preparing for her to go. At the same time, Valerie has her baby and names her Gemma. Seeing the pictures makes Elena want a family of her own one day and motivates her to become a strong and supportive role model for Gemma.