Does It Hurt?

“All of my victims are men, and most of them have unisex names, making it easier for me to impersonate them. I’ve also slept with almost every one of them. Some…I didn’t really want to, and my skin crawled with every touch. But it was necessary to take what I needed. I don’t have the skills to do it online, so the good old-fashioned way is my only method. And in order to get close enough to obtain their private information—they have to take me home.”

The fact that Sawyer uses sex to hurt men by stealing from them diverts her aims away from malice toward vengeance, implying her trauma and prior abuse from Kevin. However, her decision to limit how much she steals also betrays an innate understanding that these men did not abuse her, so hurting them is only a substitution for striking back at her abuser.

“I’m a shit person, no doubt about that. But I’m not a sociopath, either. I don’t lack empathy, and I’m not guilt-free. Nevertheless, no one can know where I am. Who I am. So no, I can’t sleep at night, nor do I look myself in the mirror. But I’m doing what I can—the only thing I know how to do to survive.”

Sawyer explains how she sees herself, which is as “a shit person,” but she also includes the means for her redemption, noting that she is not beyond the realm of human emotion and motivation. Her true intent is not to hurt others but to survive by any means necessary. This illustrates her internal identity conflict, which she resolves by the end of the novel through forgiveness from herself and Enzo.

“He always got angry when I cried. Could never understand why he made me so sad. Don't you love me, pipsqueak? ‘No,’ I sneer. ‘I hate you.’ You don't mean that. ‘I HATE YOU!’ I scream with all my might, feeling my face rush with blood and my chest crack open. I smash the gun's tip into the glass, right where his head is. You only hate me because you're just like me. We're the same, pip. And the only one who will love you for you is me. I'm shaking my head as the phantom in the mirror continues torturing me. ‘You'll never let me go, will you?’ I cry, my voice breaking from anguish and defeat.”

Sawyer’s memories of Kevin’s taunting reinforce her negative self-perception, as the vision of Kevin she has in the mirror is only a reflection of herself. After years of abuse, she retains the damaging, traumatic influence Kevin had on her sense of self and self-worth, which continually beats her down as she tries to scrape by. This exchange also lends credence to the possibility that the lighthouse is haunted, as Sawyer is familiar with seeing visions of the dead.

“I recognize it as guilt. He doesn’t know what I’ve done yet, and this may be the last time I’ll ever see him. And as much as I hate to admit it, I want to spend one more day with him before he hates me forever. Indecision traps me in a vicious cycle of talking myself out of it, only to convince myself to try it. ’Round and ’round, until I finally settle on an answer. ‘Fine. But if I die, make sure it’s before a shark eats me.’”

The conflict between guilt and desire in this passage shows what is different for Sawyer in her relationship with Enzo. Though she laments stealing from other men, she never wants to see them again, whereas Enzo makes her want to change herself and erase her past.

“She doesn’t look much better off than I feel. Curly hair a tangled mess, jean shorts tattered, and her exposed skin is covered in dirt and scratches, dried blood crusting over them. I’m almost angry at how relieved I am that she’s alive. I don’t want her death on my conscience, I tell myself. But that sounds hollow even in my own goddamn head. Fuck.”

Enzo’s desire for Sawyer’s safety conflicts with his internal desire to punish her for stealing his identity. The question posed by this passage is whether his desire to see her alive or his anger is “hollow,” as he tries to navigate these unfamiliar emotions.

“I hate him. I loathe him. If I could physically rip out every word that defines him as an asshole from the dictionary and shove it down his throat, I would. But I’m also scared. I’m trapped in a creepy lighthouse with a strange caretaker and a man who looks at me as if he'd prefer to see me between a shark’s teeth. There’s no escaping this place—no escaping him. I’ve always been able to run. It’s what I’ve done my entire life. And now that I can’t, it feels like my body has been invaded by tiny needle-like parasites.”

Sawyer’s hatred for Enzo is primarily driven by his seeming omnipresence, in which Sawyer is faced with sexual violence everywhere she goes on the island. Her inability to escape appropriately takes the form of “needle-like” creatures, evoking the male genitalia that threaten her on Raven’s Isle.

“Whether it's because she's rising to my challenge or simply trying to ignore me, Sawyer slowly lifts the spear, immovable as she tracks the dark shadow swimming around her legs. Part of me is surprised by her ease in the ocean. There could be anything lurking beneath the surface, but she doesn't shy away as it nears. I hope it's a jellyfish.”

Enzo is surprised by Sawyer’s resilience, not realizing that his challenge brings to Sawyer’s memory her rebellion against Kevin. Enzo’s hope that Sawyer encounters a jellyfish, which might sting her, shows that he is looking for any reason to hate or hurt Sawyer, even if it deprives him of food.

“Do you think anyone is ever going to love you, pipsqueak? I'm the only one that does. But not if you're going to be a whore. No one can love a whore. I squeeze my eyes shut, then proceed to trip over a rock. ‘Fuck!’ I shout. It’s stupid to come out here barefoot on injured feet, but I don’t care right now. I just need to get the fuck away. I want to hear what it sounds like when you’re breaking and can’t scream. ‘Shut up,’ I mutter through gritted teeth. ‘Both of you, shut up.’ You're so easy to break.”

Sawyer’s confusion regarding Kevin’s memory and Enzo centers on her shame following her sexual trauma. Many survivors of sexual abuse feel “dirty” or guilty— brought to Sawyer’s mind in the term “whore.” She is trying to reconcile her current sexual desires and the feelings of shame that she retains from being abused.

“It’s a goddamn cave. Something about her keeping that from me pisses me off. Then again, everything about her accomplishes that without even trying. Lord knows how big it is, and she could’ve easily gotten hurt and would’ve had no way to let me know. As the scenarios play out of all the ways she could’ve gotten herself in some type of trouble, my fury only heightens while I make my way into the cave. I can't see shit, but I'm conscious of each step as I descend. I reach flat ground and charge through a tunnel, a bright blue glow emitting from beyond.”

Enzo has two lines of thought in this passage, each of which illuminates part of his perception of Sawyer. First, he is upset that she hid the cave from him, revealing his desire for control over Sawyer’s life, as well as his fear of betrayal. However, he is also afraid for Sawyer’s safety, revealing his genuine emotions for her.

“‘What’s one more nightmare to live with?’ he whispers. It’s a punch to the chest, enough to bring tears to my eyes. Normally, I’d thrash to get him off me and refuse him, but a different type of anger courses through me. If he thinks I’m a nightmare, I’ll be the worst one he’s ever had. I’ll be the one keeping him up at night for the rest of his life, waking without me there but always yearning for me. I’ll let him have me one more time, only because he’ll regret losing me after.”

Sawyer continues to struggle with her self-perception, as Enzo refers to sex with her as a “nightmare,” implying that she is in some way controlling him or forcing him to have sex with her. In this passage, Sawyer decides to become a nightmare if it is the only thing Enzo sees in her, embracing the idea that her sexuality could be used as a weapon against his cruelty.

“I may hold on to stones from my past—keepsakes that I’m not ready to let go of—but the stones Sawyer carries are too heavy, and she doesn't think she's strong enough to throw them away. After the shipwreck, I had told her that she was weak. But I realize now that I was wrong. Being scared and weak aren't synonymous. It takes strength to keep getting back up after constantly being knocked down.”

Enzo’s change in perception regarding Sawyer is rooted in the ways her story about Kevin changes his view of her actions. He originally thought of her as a thief and seductress, but he realizes that Sawyer is only trying to survive. She is using whatever means she has at her disposal, and he cannot criticize her for that.

“What if they're flesh-eating vampires? What if we've been invaded by aliens, and this is their home base? What if there are mutated glowworms in here that grew ten feet tall and have a taste for blonde girls? […] I come out to another open area. No creatures to speak of, but there are glowworms down here, too. I grin, craning my neck and walking aimlessly as I stare up at the tiny little things. What I would give to be one.”

The cave, which represents safety, is polluted by Sawyer’s thought that the glowworms could be harmful. However, she quickly reframes that view, envisioning herself as a glowworm and embodying both their smallness and their potential danger. In a way, Sawyer is already like the glowworms: beautiful and dangerous. Feeling akin to them makes the cave seem even more like a sanctuary from what she’s dealing with outside.

“A buzz forms beneath my skin, and now that I’m no longer distracted by her wound, having her this close is dangerous. It feels too fucking good, and rather than my typical anger, it terrifies me. I’ve faced far worse, yet a five-foot-nothing nymph is what brings me to my knees. I want her out of my fucking head, but she’s in too deep. I feel Sylvester’s eyes burning into my back as I carry her up the stairs and into our room.”

Enzo continues to fight his desire for Sawyer, even though he is slowly starting to embrace his attraction. Instead, he is now resentful of his own perceived weakness in letting another person into his life. He fears the damage it would do if Sawyer decided to betray him, and Sylvester’s stare is a reminder that Sawyer may still choose to stay on the island.

“‘Don’t do that. Don’t suddenly give up when—’ ‘Didn’t I already tell you? I’m a coward, and I run. If you care about me at all, Enzo, you will let me stay here. Bringing me back to Port Valen…you’re asking me to either go to a real prison or go back to stealing.’ I’ll take care of you. The words are on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t voice them. […] I don’t see how a future could possibly work between us. Yet, the thought of leaving her behind is enough to send me into a blind rage.”

Sawyer’s insistence that she cannot be with Enzo is precisely the kind of betrayal he fears, just as his mother abandoned him as a child. He struggles to express his feelings, understanding her need to survive, and he wishes that he could simply resolve her issues for her.

“It’s also pride, desire, and the unbending need to give her everything she wants. Because fuck, am I proud of her for making me beg for her forgiveness. Sawyer deserves better than what I’ve done to her. We’re both broken in our own ways, and instead of seeing that and understanding her, I let my own hurt control me. And all it’s done is cause her pain.”

Moving forward in his transformation, Enzo sets aside his own issues at this moment to appreciate how Sawyer has grown. He realizes how he can be the support system Sawyer needs to overcome her trauma, and he is beginning to realize that she can help him overcome his own trauma, as well.

“But while I may be a runner, I’m sure as hell not a fucking doormat. I will always fight back. That's something Kev learned the hard way, and something Sylvester will learn, too. ‘You're right. I have done bad things to survive, and I'm definitely not free of sin. So don't be mistaken and think you will be an exception,’ I snarl. Sylvester's expression turns thunderous, my only warning before he stands and backhands me across the face, its force sending me crashing to my ass.”

This is the moment of Sawyer’s assertion of agency, defending herself with violence as needed and rejecting the option of allowing Sylvester to have his way. The fact that Sylvester hits Sawyer only serves to emphasize her power, as he needs to resort to violence to try to control her.

“It was…passionate yet unhinged. Like, murder me and stuff me, then try to spoon-feed me beans because he thinks I’m still alive type of unhinged. Some Norman Bates shit. It was a mix of I want to strangle you and I’ll never let you go. It’s how Kev used to look at me, and I recognize precisely what it is. Obsession. Except this time, it sets my insides aflame, and I want to return that look with a smile that says Never let me go. I’ll die with your hands wrapped around my throat. Wow. That’s fucked up. I need to find a therapist when I get home.”

Sawyer comically addresses the issue of Enzo and Kevin’s similarities. The critical difference, as Sawyer realizes here, is her autonomy. With Kevin, Sawyer had no choice, but she feels a genuine desire to be with Enzo, both for his pleasure and her own. Her humor in this situation also shows how she’s come to cope with extreme circumstances that may otherwise be overwhelming or upsetting.

“‘Why do I believe you?’ he asks aloud, though I’m not sure he intended for me to answer. ‘I don’t want to believe you, Sawyer. Because the last time I did, you fucking hurt me.’ My lip trembles, guilt and shame crashing through me so profoundly, that it feels as if it’s rewriting my DNA. I can feel nothing—be nothing—past the damage I’ve done. Not just to Enzo but to so many innocent people. ‘I’m sorry,’ I rasp, a single tear wiggling loose.”

Sawyer confronts the way her actions have damaged Enzo’s ability to trust her, as shown in her trembling lip. However, her DNA “rewriting” is the precise process of redemption in which Sawyer must separate the things she did for survival and her intentions. Her apology here is potent precisely because she is seeing how she can be forgiven.

“A black baggy t-shirt, loose jeans, and my Maruchan ramen socks. I spent forty-five minutes carefully choosing these clothes. Just as I do every day. Anything that could be considered suggestive results in unwanted touches, but most times, just existing has the same outcome. I grab for my book, avoiding eye contact. ‘I didn't wear them for anyone.’ ‘That's because there's no one else to give you attention, is there?’ Thanks to you.”

This scene is a crucial element in understanding sexual abuse on the scale that Sawyer experienced. Every element of her behavior throughout the day is specifically designed with Kevin in mind, trying to desperately avoid his attention, either good or bad, in the hope that today will not be a day on which she is abused again. This relates to elements of rape culture, as a victim can sometimes be blamed for their assault if their outfit is too revealing.

“And who I thought might be willing to help is only a broken soul that has been tortured and possibly brainwashed. I know there’s one side of her that wants to be free—the same side that left the bookshelf open for us to find and desperately tried to get our attention—but there’s another side of her that feels just as hopeless as I do in this very moment, and doesn’t want to be alone, either.”

Sawyer’s connection with Kacey is founded on their shared abuse, in which they have each been held captive and sexually abused for years. Sawyer knows that Kacey is not able to make the change Sawyer made for herself. She sees how the open bookcase is similar to her own plan of leaving knives around the house. Sawyer had to build up to the point of escaping, and she fears that Kacey may not be able to take that next step.

“Love is funny that way. It persists even when you’ve done everything in your power to banish it. It demands its own voice […] It’s returning to a raised hand, over and over, until that hand becomes lethal, and home is in the afterlife. It’s clinging to a mother who never wanted you and hoping she will one day show up on those church steps. It’s grabbing ahold of a hand that belongs to both a father and an abuser, wailing as they slowly slip away. It’s falling in love with a liar, a thief, and praying they never hurt you again.”

Sawyer’s analysis of love—while controversial in its assertion that survivors of abuse and abusers are in some way the same—encapsulates the different types of love in the novel. Each character feels love, but many of them act on that love in ways that hurt others or even cross over into dangerous obsession. However, through her open-minded perspective, Sawyer makes a crucial step toward understanding Kacey and herself.

“Even now, as I sit here in this decrepit lighthouse with a man who doesn’t want to hurt me any less than Kevin did, I don’t regret that decision to take his life. Even if that decision ultimately led me here. What I do regret is all the people that I’ve hurt on the way. When I left my old house, stained with Kevin’s blood, I only wore socks on my feet. But what hurts is that I slipped them into other people’s shoes and carried my sins into lives that had no place being there. That…that I do regret.”

Sawyer’s letter is her ultimate act of redemption, as she acknowledges the elements of her past that are both immoral and ultimately moral. Killing Kevin was necessary, and it was justified in ways that Sawyer does not even know about yet. She saved his other victims, which there may be more of than the police are aware of. She still regrets spreading her pain to other people, but she is ready to move past that part of her life.

“I shrug. ‘They’re strong and resilient, and survive under extreme conditions.’ My friend juts out his bottom lip, considering that. ‘Oh, and they don’t harm a fly unless you fuck with them.’ That pulls another full-bellied laugh from Simon. ‘A cactus,’ he repeats again with a chuckle, shaking his head almost in wonder. ‘That’s who I am now—who I choose to be. A cactus.’ ‘Then that’s what I’ll do,’ he says. ‘Where do you want it?’ I unstrap my brace, hold out my arm, and point to my wrist. ‘Right there, please.’”

Sawyer’s decision to “choose to be” a cactus is a powerful representation of her acknowledgment of her own strength and determination. The cactus represents both her resilience and her capacity to hurt those who try to harm her, and placing the tattoo over her bruises from being chained forms a kind of promise to herself that she will survive any hardship.