Detransition, Baby

This chapter explores Reese’s romantic relationships prior to her time dating Amy. The chapter opens by describing “the first time a man hit [Reese],” which is when her boyfriend Stanley hits Reese in the face, causing her lip to split, when she is twenty-six years old (47). Reese meets Stanley “on a fetish site with the word ‘tranny’ in its name”, a site typically used by so-called “chasers”—self-proclaimed heterosexual men who want to sleep with transgender women (49). Many trans women avoid such men, finding their fetishization of trans people offensive. However, Reese prefers sleeping with chasers, as she can be certain that the men she finds on the website will be fine with her being trans. Reese and Stanley first meet for dinner at a restaurant, where Stanley immediately begins discussing Reese’s genitals and pronounces his desire to dominate and control women through money.

Though Reese is initially offended by Stanley’s chauvinism, the intensity of her negative feelings towards him ultimately morphs into desire, leading them to start “a hate-courtship that built into a hate-relationship” (57). Stanley has recently separated from his wife, and Reese and Stanley quickly fall into an intense relationship. Reese moves into Stanley’s apartment, where Stanley uses his finances to control Reese and make her subservient. Though Reese is troubled by Stanley’s actions, she also feels that “his controlling behavior confirmed how badly he wanted her” (57). Reese and Stanley’s relationship revolves around “games” of mutual insults, with each seeking to show the other their dominant position in the relationship (59). It is during one of these games, when Reese returns a gift of designer boots and replaces them with knockoffs, that Stanley hits her. Though Reese is disturbed by Stanley’s anger and aggression, there is a part off her that finds it sexually arousing. She feels that Stanley’s abuse towards her somehow confirms her own femininity in a society where womanhood is often defined by “helplessness”: “Reese spent a lifetime observing cis women confirm their genders through male violence” (59).

One day, Reese goes to a picnic held by trans women with her friend Iris. While there, Reese becomes captivated by Amy, a new member of the group whom Reese has never met before. Amy’s physical features and mannerisms remind Reese of her past relationship with Sebastian, a Norwegian college swimmer who brought Reese with him to New York before breaking off the relationship and returning to Norway, telling Reese that she was “not a forever person” (70). Though Reese typically does not date trans women, she quickly develops a crush on Amy at the picnic. The two quickly bond and begin a weeklong text flirtation that culminates with Reese inviting Amy to Stanley’s apartment while he’s out. When Reese jokingly calls Stanley an “asshole,” Amy becomes deeply concerned for Reese’s wellbeing and safety, and she invites Reese to move in with her (75). Shortly after that, one day while Stanley is at work, Amy and Reese surreptitiously move out all of Reese’s things without informing Stanley she is leaving. 

This chapter continues the narrative from Chapter 1, following Ames and Katrina on a business trip to Chicago. Ames and Katrina both work for an ad agency, and they go to Chicago to meet a client—a pet insurance company. As they make their way to the dinner, Ames attempts to make small talk with Katrina and to reminisce about past trips they took as lovers. Katrina responds by accusing Ames of getting her to take the trip “under false pretenses”—a sign of her lingering anger over Ames’s past secrecy (80). They meet two representatives of the pet insurance company, two straight men who are neighbors in a Chicago suburb, for dinner at a restaurant. Throughout the dinner, Katrina gets drunk and makes a series of critical remarks about Ames, telling the clients that “he has the most unusual past” (84). Katrina then blurts out that Ames has a “history with transsexuality.” The clients think Katrina is implying that Ames dates transgender women (84). To Ames’s surprise, one of the clients comes to his defense, suggesting that Katrina is being disrespectful to Ames’s hypothetical lover by focusing on her genitals. Angered by the men’s’ defense of Ames, Katrina outs Ames to the clients, informing them that he used to identify as a woman.

The next day, Ames and Katrina wake up hungover and wondering whether they have irreparably damaged their client relationship, as well as whether the clients will tell the rest of Ames’s company about his past. They discuss their relationship issues and Ames tells Katrina the entire story of his coming out and gender transition. Katrina asks him why he decided to detransition, and whether he still considers himself transgender. Ames explains that he doesn’t think being trans is “something you outgrow,” and that he continues to be trans in some way even if he doesn’t present as a woman in his daily life: “I am trans, but I don’t need to do trans” (98). Ames tells Katrina of how his decision to detransition stemmed from two different incidents: breaking up with his trans girlfriend, whom he felt he “couldn’t protect and satisfy,” and getting beat up by “a rich white guy” (98).

Ames explains to Katrina that he feels trans women are like “juvenile elephants” (99). In the 2000s, a gang of juvenile elephants in South Africa lost their mothers to poachers and began to act aggressive and destructive in their absence. Ames feels that trans women are similar to such elephants, lacking “elders” to help them in their transition, as “older generations of trans women died of HIV, poverty, suicide, repression” (101). Ames closes the conversation by bringing up his idea that Reese should join them in raising Katrina’s child. While Katrina is initially skeptical, she tells Ames several days later that she is open to the idea. Katrina’s mind is changed after speaking with her mother, who tells Katrina that “the best way to be a mother is to do so with as many other moms around as possible” (110).

The chapter also follows Reese as she attends a performance night by her friend Thalia. As Thalia performs, Reese becomes nostalgic, reflecting on her role as an informal mother to Thalia. Reese also thinks about how “her first trans daughter” was Ames, who at the time was Amy (89). Reese sees such relationships as crucial for young trans women, who are often seeking guidance and may have grown estranged from their biological families.