Demon Dentist

Alfie wakes up early to help Dad before school, as usual. Dad reminds Alfie that Winnie will pick him up for the dentist, but Alfie plans to hide in the school instead of reporting to the gate to meet Winnie and then walk out with all the students at regular dismissal. At school, Gabz reveals that 13 new under-the-pillow crimes occurred overnight; discoveries include a hacked-off puppy tail and a wriggling electric eel. Gabz also shows Alfie that all the students who ate the Mummy’s sweets now have toothaches. Their suspicions reignited, and Alfie and Gabz are unsure of Miss Root’s intentions. Gabz wants Alfie to attend his dental appointment to seek clues, but at 1:29 pm, he leaves class to hide. He cannot find any door or cupboard unlocked, though, and soon, he hears Winnie’s moped approaching along the inside corridor; she is looking for him.

Over the rail in the upper hall, Alfie sees Winnie astride her red moped. She drives along the lower hall, looking into each classroom for him. When she spots him upstairs, she revs her moped and steers it right up the steps. Alfie throws himself against a classroom door and falls into drama class. Mr. Snood, the drama teacher, is encouraging students to improvise a scene about the end of the world. Mr. Snood dresses entirely in black and thinks drama is very important. Dismissing the fact that Alfie is not really in that class, he commands Alfie to join the scene and “IMPRO!” (141).

Alfie plays along, saying that while the approaching giant meteor is unfortunate, his pizza order has arrived. Winnie bursts into the class at that moment, and Mr. Snood repeats his command to improvise. Winnie states that Alfie needs to go to the dentist. Mr. Snood insists that that is one scenario too many for the exercise: “an IMPRO NO-NO!” (145). Alfie flees, with Winnie in pursuit, and Mr. Snood calls his students to follow and observe the drama. Alfie encounters Mr. Grey, who tells him to stop running in the corridor. Mr. Grey jumps out of Winnie’s path when she steers down the hall. Mr. Snood and the whole class of drama students plow into Mr. Grey and knock him to the ground.

Alfie surprises the science teacher, Miss Hare, when he runs through her door, and she drops a box of metal ball bearings meant for an experiment with magnets. Alfie and Miss Hare skitter on the ball bearings; the teacher falls, flashing her knickers (women’s underwear) to the class and causing a scene that will long be known as “Knickergate.” Winnie drives the moped into the room, demanding that Alfie attend his appointment. Mr. Snood and the drama students burst in as Alfie says no; Mr. Snood explains that Alfie really should say yes to keep the “impro” going. As Alfie takes off, Miss Hare attempts to grab him by the jacket. The jacket rips wide open, and Miss Hare falls, revealing her underwear again—“KNICKERGATE II or KNICKERGATE THE SEQUEL” (161). Winnie tells Alfie that he cannot run forever. Indeed, between the moped, the drama students, and the second-story location, Alfie is trapped.

Alfie throws another box of ball bearings across the floor and grabs a tray, which he holds to his chest. He belly-slides across the room on the ball bearings at lightning speed; he continues along the corridor and down the staircase. Mr. Grey, standing at the bottom of the staircase, wipes out as Alfie’s tray connects with his ankles. He gets up but wipes out a second time as Winnie blows through on her moped. He gets up but wipes out a third time as hundreds of students collide with him, all chasing Alfie. The lunch ladies and groundskeeper join the chase, waving ladles and a rake, respectively. Even an elderly secretary, Miss Hedge, follows the group using her walker. Alfie runs and runs, thinking that his pursuers will give up soon; “[h]e [i]s wrong” (172).

The crowd picks up passersby, workers, and an unhoused man as they pursue Alfie. Winnie calls for the help of an officer, who turns out to be PC Plank. Plank realizes intuitively that this is his opportunity to catch a terrible criminal. He jogs toward Alfie and calls for backup. Many police cars and additional officers surround Alfie as he is trapped against a line of shops. Winnie approaches, telling him that it is time for the dentist. Alfie hears a shop door open behind him, and a hand reaches out and beckons him in. He flees through the doorway, up the stairs, and into an office, realizing far too late that the hand and office belong to Miss Root.

The room is white, but the chair and cart look antique; the tools piled on the cart are rusty and bloodstained. Chisels and a drill are in the pile. A framed dental certificate hangs on a wall; Alfie cannot tell how old it is. A strange metal cylinder has a gauge with various speeds labeled on it. A white cat emerges and hisses at Alfie; Miss Root tells Alfie that the cat, Fang, is “just being friendly” (188). In the chair, Alfie feels it recline; metal cuffs appear and clamp his wrists. Miss Root uses a spear-like tool to poke inside one of Alfie’s rotten teeth and cruel-looking pliers to pull another one—no pain medication or warning first.

Alfie loses consciousness. When he awakens, he sees fresh and dried sprays of blood on the ceiling. He is horrified to realize that Miss Root extracted all his teeth. Alfie thinks that his only career choice now might be a “gurner” (someone who makes exaggerated facial expressions; gurners have their teeth pulled to better overdo their expressions). Miss Root waits in the corner. Alfie’s words are slurred without teeth in his mouth, so he writes a note asking what she has done. She shows Alfie his stained, rotten teeth in a metal dish. He asks what she is going to do. She simply shows him to the door, stating that his teeth are gone and will never grow back.

Alfie cannot go home or go back to school; he does not want Dad or peers to see him. He goes instead to the newsstand, where the clerk, Raj, has often provided him with wonderful sweets. Raj is kind and enjoys sweets, too. He tries to guess what is different about Alfie, but Alfie is forced to open his mouth for Raj to figure it out. Raj is so shocked to see Alfie’s missing teeth that he falls onto a large box holding bags of chips; the box and all the bags inside burst open, and chips fly everywhere. Raj finds sticky notes and a pen (in the freezer and in a bag of Dip Dab candy, respectively), which Alfie uses to write out his experience. Raj comforts Alfie and claims that he has an idea.

Raj kindly provides Alfie with a set of dentures that belonged to his late wife. They are too big, like fake teeth from a joke store, but are “infinitely better than no teeth at all” (217). Raj wants to help get to the bottom of the mysterious Miss Root’s behavior and mentions the “strange goings-on in this town ever since she arrived” (218), which prompts Alfie to mention the under-the-pillow crimes. Raj asks how Alfie knows about that, and Alfie explains that his “girl friend Gabz” told him, which causes Raj to misunderstand that Alfie has a girlfriend. Alfie sets him straight. Raj shares that some customers that morning mentioned finding awful things beneath their pillows, like a flattened toad and an old man’s toenail. Alfie thinks for a moment and then says that he has a plan to catch the tooth snatcher. He says he needs one of Raj’s teeth.