Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Popular culture deals in the currency of mythology, especially about sex. In Come as You Are, Dr. Emily Nagoski recognizes the many myths that women have been sold by the media over the years, providing multiple examples of them. For example, popular culture has touted the existence of “pleasure centers” in the brain. Dr. Nagoski explains that the parts of the brain that control pleasure also control other human compulsions: learning, wanting, and liking. Therefore, the activation of this part of the brain does not always mean that the individual is experiencing pleasure.

Another myth is the idea that women should be a certain weight or size and that a person’s weight has information to offer about the health of that person. Dr. Nagoski argues that this is simply not true. She asserts that women can be healthy at any size and that this type of mythology is exceedingly dangerous. Media also perpetuates the myth that some types of sex or sexual activities, such as the use of lubrication, are inherently dirty. Again, Dr. Nagoski challenges these false narratives. By perpetuating ideas about women’s weight or their sexual preferences, the media can advance political and social agendas that keep women subjugated. Preying on insecurities is also a way to make money. The more unconfident women feel, the more likely they are to buy products that advertise fixing these “problems.” The mythology of sex is an effective way of controlling women’s sexual lives and bodies. Dr. Nagoski argues that it is also dangerous.

In Chapter 5, the author exposes three messages that are imposed on women about sex and their bodies. The first is the morality message. Girls are fed a diet of happily-ever-afters from an early age. Most of Dr. Nagoski’s students indicated that they were indoctrinated as children into the belief that an ideal marriage was the goal, not a happy and healthy sex life. The mythology of an ideal marriage fails to acknowledge or address what happens when the couple embarks on their new life after the wedding. This mythology is dangerous because it perpetuates a false narrative about relationships and ignores sex altogether. An emphasis on purity and the denial of the existence of female sexual desire leaves girls ill-equipped to handle the complexities of their adult experiences.

The dangers of sexual myths are serious. Ignorance about sex makes mythology more palatable to women. There is a void of knowledge to fill, and mythology is happy to do the job. When mythology replaces a comprehensive understanding of one’s own body and brain, there is room for predation. The first example of pleasure centers illustrates this idea. By perpetuating the idea that women are experiencing pleasure—even when they are not—this mythology sells a secondary idea: that women do not know their own minds or what they want. Therefore, it is in their best interest to allow someone else to tell them what they are experiencing.

Dr. Nagoski points to the popular book Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James as an example of this dangerous mindset. In the book, the female protagonist describes her pain and unease during sexual encounters with her sexual partner. However, her partner suggests that because she is “wet,” she must be enjoying it. He argues that she does not know what her body wants. The partner is wrong. For women, genital response correlates with arousal and desire approximately 10% of the time; therefore, her body may respond in a way that is misaligned with what the female protagonist cognitively desires. Dr. Nagoski explains it this way: “Genital response is no more an expression of pleasure, desire, or consent than the fertilization of an egg is” (208). The mythology that women do not know their own minds makes room for sexual violence and predatory behavior. Dispelling these myths and embracing self-knowledge and science provides a safer path forward for women to enjoy sex on their own terms.