37 pages • 1 hour read
Henry Cloud, John TownsendBoundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 1992A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 2, Chapters 11-13Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 2: “Boundary Conflicts”
Chapter 11 Summary
In this chapter, Cloud and Townsend examine how boundary conflicts affect one’s experience in the workplace—which often carries over into one’s personal life. Work is not inherently bad, despite people’s frustrations with their workplaces. In fact, work can be an avenue through which people find their calling or vocation, where they can fulfill a spiritual mandate: “Work is the place to develop our character in preparation for the work that we will do forever” (193). Yet for all the rewards that work can bring, boundary conflicts can also negatively impact one’s professional life.
The authors examine a number of common boundary conflicts that arise in the workplace, offering different insights for solving each one. They first discuss the problem of getting stuck with another person’s responsibilities (i.e., not saying “no”). While helping and sacrificing are Christian virtues valuable in the workplace, enabling others to do less isn’t helpful to anyone. The authors then move onto the issue of working too much overtime, which can often lead to physical and emotional burnout. A lack of boundaries leads to saying “yes” to working beyond one’s capacity. Next, the authors discuss the misplaced priorities that usually come with working so hard that a person neglects their own family and friends.
The authors then move onto a number of different boundary conflicts—difficult co-workers, critical attitudes, conflicts with authority, expecting too much of work, bringing work-related stress back home, and disliking one’s job—each of which have their own complicated dynamics and steps towards resolution. The common thread between these types of conflict lies with unmet (or unrealistic) expectations. When people expect their boss, co-workers, or the job itself to be something it isn’t, they experience frustration and hurt. Without healthy boundaries in place, their emotional fatigue at work will inevitably spill over into other areas of their life.
Chapter 12 Summary
The authors open this chapter by telling the story of a client whose primary relational frustration was with herself. Many people never learn to establish healthy limits with themselves, particularly when it comes to eating (i.e., overeating), money (i.e., impulse spending, living beyond one’s means), time (i.e., lack of punctuality, overscheduling, a constant feeling of unrealized desires), task completion (i.e., lack of follow-through, inability to delay gratification), words (i.e., talking too much or being verbally insensitive), sexuality (i.e., compulsive masturbation, pornography, voyeurism), or alcohol and substance abuse.
According to the authors, people fall into boundary conflicts with themselves for three reasons: People are their own worst enemies, they withdraw from relationships, and they try to use sheer willpower to solve problems. When these defense mechanisms prove ineffective, people often fall back on their initial despair. The solution is to reflect on one’s own habits and tendencies—though the authors clarify that some may need more than just self-reflection (i.e., consistent counseling for those who suffered physical or sexual abuse).
Chapter 13 Summary
In this chapter, the authors examine the boundary conflicts that emerge between people and God. The authors clarify their view of the Bible and how it acts as a guide for relationships, as opposed to a manual of do’s and don’ts. While they believe God is omniscient and omnipotent, they still argue in favor of boundaries: “God has designed the world so that boundaries are to be respected. He respects ours, and we need to respect his” (227).
According to the authors, God respects people’s boundaries by allowing them to do work only they can, such as learning the painful consequences of poor decisions. They also argue that God respects “no.” God doesn’t force people into anything, not even a relationship with him. The authors also highlight respecting God’s boundaries by understanding that God, even in his sovereignty and wisdom, may not respond in ways people want or expect. As the authors express, “boundaries help us to be the best we can be—in God’s image” (233).
Part 2, Chapters 11-13 Analysis
The examination of professional boundaries seems relatively out of place given the personal significance of the other types of relationships in Part 2, but the sheer amount of time people spend at work justifies it. The authors contextualize the spiritual significance of work, tying it to one’s calling and vocation. In Chapter 11, the power of “no” is discussed as many work-related boundary conflicts stem from a person’s inability to say “no” to extra work or unhealthy dynamics.
In Chapter 12, the authors invite the reader to consider their relationship with oneself, particularly in relation to unhealthy habits, impulses, and the weight of responsibility. While people can’t control others’ actions, they can control their own, which increases personal accountability. As people learn how to navigate their relationships with food, money, or sex, they must establish boundaries that allow them to act with intention—aligning actions with values they claim to hold dear.
Chapter 13 is the most unique of the book in that the authors assume the reader will accept their beliefs in a God who designed all relationships (as supported by biblical passages). By no means is this assumption disingenuous or out of place, since the authors disclose their Christian faith from the very beginning, but boundary conflicts with God are simply fundamentally different from those addressed in other chapters. This chapter speaks to the Bible being the source of relevant wisdom for one’s personal life. By alluding to specific biblical passages, for instance, the authors highlight the notion that God strives for relationships rooted in love and healing.
