Blackout

“There’s a part of me that wishes I could be as…settled as Tremaine seems to be.”

Knowing that Tremaine seems to be comfortable in his skin as a queer Black teen makes JJ wish he could be the same. Unlike Tremaine, JJ hides his sexual orientation and continues to play basketball despite losing his passion for it because it is what everyone expects of him. It is the fear of being discovered to be something other than what everyone knows that keeps JJ from being his true self.

“But there was this sense of…not-aloneness.”

At the queer masquerade ball, JJ feels a sense of community and camaraderie with his fellow attendees. Knowing that all the men around him also identify as queer makes JJ realize that he is not alone.

“Still though, I couldn’t shake the fear of being found out.”

Despite knowing that his family would most likely be supportive if he were to come out to them, JJ does not feel comfortable revealing his sexual orientation just yet. JJ’s fear that everyone in his life will look at him differently once he comes out is what keeps him in the closet.

“Within a couple of minutes, I’d slipped into being what I guess was some sorta dream version of a self I could eventually be…”

At the masquerade ball, JJ gets to know Tremaine while pretending to be someone he is not. Assuming the identity of a made-up self enables JJ to envision a future version of himself that he has never considered before.

“The way I felt kissing Tremaine was far different than I’d felt with ol’ girl Shelley the night before.”

Kissing Tremaine functions as confirmation for JJ that he is indeed queer. Kissing Tremaine so soon after having kissed Shelley enables JJ to realize not only that the two experiences are completely different, but that he prefers kissing Tremaine.

“Knowing someone else knows my secret and isn’t looking at me all different is…helpful.”

Being out to Tremaine, they only person in his life who knows he is queer, gives JJ a sense of safety and allows him to let his guard down. Knowing that Tremaine does not see him any differently even though he is queer makes JJ hopeful that others may react similarly if he were to come out to more people.

“Recognizing that nothing will ever be the same, between us or with life in general.”

In thinking about her and Kareem’s upcoming birthdays—which they have always celebrated together—Tammi realizes that their relationship can never be what it once was. The fact that they will both be going to different colleges soon only makes matters worse, as their physical separation confirms for Tammi that they can never return to what they once were.

“I feel panicky sometimes when I stare at pictures of her for too long, because I realize that one day my mom’s gonna be gone too.”

This quote highlights the love that Nella feels for her family. In the wake of her grandmother’s death, Nella realizes that her mother will not be around forever, either.

“My chest feels tight with something like longing, something like pain. I scroll down and write back.”

Getting a text from Bree during the blackout makes Nella feel conflicted. On the one hand, it is nice to know that Bree is still concerned about her wellbeing enough to check in. However, the knowledge that she and Bree could never be romantically involved, as Bree is straight, makes the experience somewhat painful for Nella, who has been in love with her for months.

“But all at once I decide that you can’t be brave unless you’re at least a little scared.”

Nella pushes past her fear of being rejected by Joss and kisses her. Following through with the kiss despite her fears is a liberating experience for Nella, especially in the wake of being rejected by Bree.

“All the fears about what happens next year when we’re in two different places.”

Lana expresses the fears she has been harboring about her future. Spending the summer away from Tristán for the first time enhances her fears about what parting ways after high school will do to their relationship.

“This trip…this summer feels like one where everything will change.”

Lana realizes that this summer will mark a significant transitional period in her life. It will be her first time living away from home and her first summer spent away from Tristán, meaning that she will need to contend with change and the unfamiliar.

“Tonight it feels like a new story between us.”

Lana recognizes that her relationship with Tristán is about to change in a major way. Regardless of whether or not he will be accepting of her confession of love, she understands in this moment that their relationship from this night forward will never be the same.

“I remember being a little girl standing in the very center of it for the first time, clutching my bullet journal and pen to my chest, and saying that I would be a writer, that I would have a book that could live here.”

This quotes highlights Lana’s lifelong passion for writing and literature. It also highlights the fact that the New York Public Library is not only an important institution in the city, but one that holds personal significance to Lana. Additionally, that she plans on confessing her love for Tristán in the Library further underlines its importance to Lana.

“I wanted to look back on this night and remember how brave I’d been, how clear and confident I’d spoken, how I’d been more like him and less like me in articulating my thoughts and feelings.”

This quote highlights the fact that Lana’s plan to confess her love to Tristán is not turning out how she had hoped. She is more nervous than she ever could have anticipated, making it difficult for her to effectively articulate her feelings to him.

“Is it possible for us to be friends again?”

Tammi wonders if she and Kareem will ever reach a place where they can be friendly with one another, even if they cannot be in a romantic relationship. That she is even questioning the possibility of maintaining a friendship points to the fact that she wants Kareem to stay in her life, by any means necessary.

“All I know is that I miss him, and even though it has to, deep down, I don’t want this day to ever end.”

Being apart from Kareem for several weeks only to spend an entire day with him makes Tammi realize how much she has missed him. Being with him is a reminder that they share a deep connection, one that Tammi does not want to lose.

“But every now and then there’s this little voice in my head that wonders if that’s because he’s the only person I’ve ever been with.”

Kayla questions her reasoning behind being with Tre’Shawn for so long. Though she has a crush on Micah and knows deep down that she is free to leave Tre’Shawn and pursue her crush, doing so would be straying from everything she knows. This quote highlights Kayla’s inherent fear of what is unfamiliar.

“Anytime Micah gets close to me, I get goose bumps, as if my skin comes alive at the thought of him touching it.”

This quote calls attention to Kayla’s feelings for Micah. That he stirs up such excitement in Kayla forces her to realize that his effect on her is undeniable and special.

“He helped me see that there are so many possibilities for me, for my heart.”

Kayla acknowledges that Micah has already had a positive impact on her by allowing her to recognize that her future holds endless possibilities. Her connection with Micah enables Kayla to think outside of herself and her life as she knows it and feel hopeful about her future.

“The blackout makes the city feel like it’s on hold, like someone hit a giant pause button.”

Grace describes the experience of feeling as if her life is on pause following her breakup with Derrick. The blackout has a similar effect on her as it makes her feel as though she is frozen in time, waiting for things to get back to normal.

“But last year, he went off to Binghamton while I stayed here doing this job. Nothing’s been the same between us since.”

Seymour reflects on how distanced he has become from his childhood best friend. He recognizes that deciding to stay home and work to help his family has caused a significant shift in his relationship with Tommy; where they used to be on similar life paths, they are now leading completely different lives. 

“The problem is that he wants me to be the same as I’ve always been.”

Grace realizes that the deterioration of her previous relationship was due largely in part to her boyfriend discouraging her from growing and changing as a person. Realizing this also enables Grace to recognize how much she has evolved since moving to the US and gives her hope for her future.