53 pages • 1 hour read
Aminatou Sow, Ann FriedmanBig Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
Nonfiction | Autobiography / Memoir | Adult | Published in 2020A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Chapters 9-10Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 9 Summary: “Too Big to Fail”
Sow and Friedman say they used to joke that their friendship was too big to fail, referencing the economic theory that deems some banks too big to fail due to their importance to the global economy. However, they now know that no friendship is too big to fail, and say that they learned this lesson “the hard way” (163).
The authors reference the concept of the “seven-year itch”—a term traditionally applied to romantic relationships—to illustrate the natural evolution and potential decline of long-term friendships. Citing a study, they reveal that only 30% of close friendships endure beyond seven years. Sow and Friedman share that their rough patch happened six years into their friendship and that it was due to a lack of communication.
The authors categorize the deterioration of their friendship into two distinct phases. Initially, a series of misunderstandings and minor conflicts signaled a growing distance. This progressed to a more severe breakdown in communication, leading to repeated instances where they inadvertently hurt each other’s feelings.
In the early days of their friendship, communication seemed easy, giving the two women the impression that their communication styles were the same. However, they say that this conflict-free time left them ill-equipped to repair their relationship when it later began to falter.
During the breakdown of their friendship, both Sow and Friedman seriously contemplated the possibility that they might break up. The authors contrast friendship with romance, pointing out that while there are social scripts and rules for romantic breakups, no such thing exists for friendship breakups. In friendship breakups, they say, it is common for one friend to “ghost” the other.
Sow and Friedman reference clinical psychologist and friendship expert Dr. Miriam Kirmayer. Kirmayer works with people who are experiencing friend breakups. She often hears about the idea of the “toxic friend.” Kirmayer challenges the notion, however, saying that not all friendship breakups are due to a toxic dynamic. Rather, this label may downplay the fact that conflict is an inevitable aspect of any relationship, including friendships.
While friendship is often perceived as easy, providing an escape from the more difficult parts of life, Sow and Friedman assert that all Big Friendships encounter challenges. Because of the societal perception of friendships as stress-free, people often dismiss broken-up friendships as simply not meant to be, but Big Friendships require work.
What created the opening for repair in Sow and Friedman’s Big Friendship was the fact that they worked together. They point out that due to the values of capitalist America, conflict resolution among business partners is more societally accepted than therapy between friends. At the time, it had become trendy for Silicon Valley founders to attend therapy together to work out disagreements that were affecting their business. Friedman suggested that the two women start seeing a therapist together, and Sow agreed.
A friend recommended a therapist to them who practiced a short-term approach called Emotionally Focused Therapy. While in therapy, Sow and Friedman confronted the differences in their communication styles and emotional processes, uncovering key issues they had never explicitly discussed. This process not only helped them navigate their immediate conflicts but also reinforced the importance of investing in their friendship, both emotionally and financially, by seeking professional help.
Sow and Friedman conclude the chapter by reflecting on the journey of repairing their friendship, acknowledging the work required to maintain and sustain it. They emerged from this experience with a renewed understanding that the strength of their bond lies not in its immunity to failure but in their commitment to facing and overcoming challenges together.
Chapter 10 Summary: “The Long Haul”
In the final chapter, Sow and Friedman reflect on their journey together, 10 years after their paths first crossed. They confront the evolving nature of their friendship, acknowledging that despite their close professional collaboration on their podcast, integrating their lives as seamlessly as before has become more challenging.
They reference the work of researcher William K. Rawlins, who categorizes friendships into three types: active, dormant, and commemorative. Active friendships are currently important, dormant friendships were once active but are no longer strong, and commemorative friendships are those that have ended. Sow and Friedman acknowledge that friendships can shift over time, and they explore how one can prevent a friendship from fading or growing dormant.
They cite the work of professor Emily Langan, whose work they referenced earlier in the book when discussing attachment theory. Langan claims that close friendships can be maintained through three things: ritual, assurances, and openness.
Langan emphasizes the importance of creating shared experiences or rituals unique to each friendship, which serve as the foundation for lasting bonds. Unlike families or romantic relationships that have built-in milestones and traditions, friendships require active effort to establish their own meaningful rituals. Assurances, both verbal and nonverbal, affirm the intention to remain part of each other’s futures, providing a sense of security and continuity in the relationship. Openness entails being honest about the relationship’s challenges and vocally expressing what the friendship means and how important it is.
Sow and Friedman position Big Friendship as a crucial support system that helps people weather life’s adversities. They cite studies underscoring the significance of friendships, particularly as people age, highlighting the instrumental role friends play during times of grief, illness, and hardship. For Sow, who was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, the overwhelming support she received from her friends exemplified the profound impact of her friendships. Sow and Friedman reference a study in which participants faced a steep hill. The people who participated with a friend assessed the hill as less steep than those who did it alone.
Sow and Friedman urge readers to invest in and stretch for Big Friendships. They advocate for taking friendships seriously and believe that the world should recognize them as important and life-changing forces.
Chapters 9-10 Analysis
Chapters 9 and 10 critically examine The Power and Complexity of Friendship as well as the potential for evolution within deep friendships, showcasing how these relationships are both tested and strengthened over time. Sow and Friedman employ a narrative structure that intertwines personal anecdotes with research and theoretical frameworks to illustrate the dynamics of their friendship. This structure allows readers to see the practical application of academic theories about friendship in real-life scenarios, enhancing the relatability and depth of the discussion. The chronological recounting of their friendship’s challenges and triumphs, culminating in a reflective analysis of their growth, maps out a clear journey. This aids in conveying the natural progression and The Intentional Work of Maintaining a Friendship, emphasizing that friendships evolve alongside individuals. Through this structured narrative, Sow and Friedman communicate the message that all friendships, no matter how strong, require conscious effort and a willingness to navigate complexities.
Sow and Friedman refer to studies from various fields to underscore the universality and complexity of friendship dynamics. They reference the economic theory “too big to fail” to describe the perception they once had of their friendship’s invincibility. This comparison highlights the gravity with which they view their friendship, acknowledging its significance in their personal and professional lives. The authors cite studies on friendship durations and dynamics, incorporating academic research to support their narratives. These citations lend credibility to their personal experiences, framing their story within a broader societal and psychological context. For instance, the fact that a study has concluded that many close friendships fade after about seven years contextualizes the challenges Sow and Friedman faced in their sixth year of friendship, implying to the reader that their experiences were not unique but representative. Though the specific problems they confronted were their own, the fact that those problems cropped up when they did reflects a consistent dynamic in the way friendships evolve that the reader can apply to their own experiences. By weaving together personal anecdotes with scholarly references, the authors establish a strong foundation for their insights on friendship, reinforcing their narrative with authority and depth.
The authors’ exploration of their friendship through the lens of societal expectations offers a nuanced understanding of interpersonal relationships that challenges societal perceptions of the relative weight of friendship in people’s lives. By comparing societal perceptions of friendship with those of romantic relationships, the book reveals embedded norms that influence how friendships are valued and maintained. The fact that there are no social scripts or norms for putting conscious effort and resources into maintaining friendships, the authors suggest, is part of what makes them more difficult to maintain despite the importance friendship has in most people’s lives. Sow and Friedman drive home their point that Big Friendships should receive the same care and attention as marriages by describing the problems that crop up at the seven-year mark of friendship as the “seven-year itch,” an idiom that traditionally refers to feelings of dissatisfaction in marriage. The fact that the idiom can apply equally well to platonic or romantic relationships, they imply, means that these relationships are perhaps less different than they are culturally portrayed as being. This critique challenges readers to reconsider the hierarchy of relationships and the cultural undervaluing of friendships.
