Before I Let Go

Vashti is anxious about meeting Carole and confesses her fears. Josiah reassures her, and they enter the house, greeted by an enthusiastic Kassim and Carole. Yasmen enters, and Kassim is pleased to see her wearing turkey earrings he and Deja bought her years ago. Josiah remembers exactly when he purchased them because he also bought her a bracelet with a wheel and the inscription “till the wheels fall off.” Josiah ruefully assumes she “probably hasn’t bothered looking for it since the wheels definitely fell off our marriage” (2843).

The family sits at the table with restaurant employees and friends, including Byrd’s beloved partner, Milky. Josiah tastes the stuffing and is suddenly overwhelmed with his love for Byrd because it tastes just like hers. He first assumes Carole or Vashti made it. Yasmen finally admits that she made it. Josiah notices everyone staring at him, including an obviously uncomfortable Vashti.

Josiah and Vashti chat, and he makes a point of complimenting her food. She asks about the Charlotte trip and is upset when she learns Harvey is not traveling with Yasmen and Josiah. Josiah notices Yasmen laughing; he’s overjoyed and relieved to see her personality as the woman he remembers returns. He reminds himself he owes loyalty and honesty to Vashti.

The group goes around the table and says what they are thankful for. Deja makes everyone laugh by promoting her social media brand. Listening to the others, Josiah realizes he has been avoiding reconnecting with Milky since Byrd’s death, a realization he reluctantly credits to therapy. Yasmen brings the table to tears talking about her appreciation for her children and her healing process. Kassim thanks his therapist, making Josiah realize, “[A]t ten years old, this boy is braver with his feelings than I’ve ever been” (2936).

While Vashti waits in the car, Josiah says goodbye to his children and Carole. Carole gives him pointed advice not to hurt Vashti, telling him she does not believe his relationship with Yasmen is truly over, whatever he claims. Carole sends him to the kitchen, claiming Yasmen left a dish. Josiah finds Yasmen on her phone, and he asks in spite of himself if she is texting Mark. They talk about their mutual pride in Kassim, and Yasmen says their son has benefited from Josiah’s willingness to be vulnerable. Josiah points out that Yasmen has shown more of the benefits of therapy than he has. As he feels their old intimacy tempt him again, Josiah forces himself to go, chagrined when Yasmen reminds him they will see each other soon.

At Vashti’s apartment, Josiah realizes he needs to talk with his therapist about Yasmen and his jealousy of Mark. Vashti clearly has a romantic evening in mind, and Josiah realizes he has not moved on as much as he hoped. While he may always care for Yasmen, he realizes, “[M]aybe I need to stand still until I feel less for her than I do right now” (3010). He decides he must end things with Vashti to avoid hurting her further.

Vashti is unsettled when he turns down sex in favor of conversation, and she pours herself a large glass of wine. She immediately asks if he is breaking up with her because of Yasmen, and he tells her the truth—that his feelings are too intense to commit to her or anyone else. Privately, he tells himself that his emotional entanglement is no proof of their future; he still cannot imagine relying on Yasmen to care for his heart the way she once did. Josiah is uncomfortable but allows Vashti her silent tears, knowing he owes her this. When she points out that they did not commit to each other or profess love, Josiah thinks to himself that the only other time he did so, “it backfired on [him] in a shit bomb of pain and regret” (3047).

Josiah and Vashti commit to maintaining their professional boundaries, and he assures her he never meant to hurt her. Vashti says she deserves the level of investment he feels for Yasmen, and he agrees, reluctantly not arguing with her assertion he is still in love with his ex-wife.

Yasmen hurriedly prepares for the trip to Charlotte. The car is already waiting, but she has overslept. Yasmen assumes it is her mother at the door and gives permission to enter, only to find Josiah taking in the sight of her in her underwear. Carole sent him upstairs in her stead, and Yasmen recognizes this as a matchmaking strategy. She tries to send Josiah out, but he helps her pack and teases her about being late. The atmosphere between them soon becomes sexually charged, as Yasmen can feel his eyes on her body. She sends him out.

She says goodbye to her children and tells Carole to stop interfering. Carole says she and Josiah obviously still care for each other and asks if Yasmen wants another chance. She points out Josiah and Vashti could marry.

In the car to the airport, Josiah dodges Yasmen’s questions about Vashti, and she indulges her thoughts of jealousy. The flight to Charlotte is awkward and mostly silent. They arrive at the hotel to learn Harvey’s assistant has booked them in a single room with only one bed; no other rooms are available due to a hotel event. Yasmen calls Harvey in a panic while Josiah coolly assures her they can handle the proximity like reasonable adults. Yasmen is dubious, reflecting, “[H]ow can I tell him it’s not him I don’t trust? It’s me” (3178).

Josiah calls Harvey back and demands a solution to their room situation. He reluctantly confesses he lied to Yasmen about being completely unruffled at the circumstances. Harvey asks if he is worried he will be unfaithful to Vashti, and Josiah explains the breakup. He realizes too late that Yasmen can hear him.

In their hotel room, Yasmen expresses sympathy about the breakup. When she goes to change clothes, Josiah is once again distracted by her body and realizes that his usual restraint still fails him. When Josiah says he is hungry, Yasmen surprises him with a bag of his favorite Chicago-style popcorn. Josiah reminds himself that he cannot act on his desires; there is too much risk in trusting Yasmen after she insisted on the divorce.

On the way to the restaurant, Josiah is distracted by Yasmen’s new perfume. He is abrupt when she asks if he likes it and asks if she expects effusive praise now that she is with a man like Mark. He apologizes for snapping at her, and they arrive at their restaurant’s potential second location. Harvey introduces them to Merry Herman and Ken Harris, the current owners. Josiah is distracted by Yasmen’s closeness as they sit in a restaurant booth.

Yasmen is impressed by both the cuisine and the clear bond between Merry and Ken. Yasmen is buzzing with curiosity about Josiah’s breakup. The couples discuss the possible restaurant sale, and Merry assumes Yasmen and Josiah are still a couple. Yasmen is surprised to learn Merry and Ken have never married and instead have committed to each other every day. Yasmen privately reflects that even if she shared the other couple’s skepticism about marriage, her breakup with Josiah likely would have happened in any case. She thinks of her wedding band and the necklace, now in her jewelry case, “a crypt for diamonds and demons and ghosts” (3318).

Yasmen is stunned by the dessert course, a pear turnover with local fruit. Merry and Ken agree with their decision to consider whether expansion will be right for their family responsibilities, but they will need an answer soon. Ken presents Josiah with a rare bottle of Japanese Yamazaki whiskey, a high-quality luxury. Yasmen senses Josiah is eager for the challenge of expanding the restaurant. As they walk out, Merry takes Yasmen aside and says she senses that Josiah may want another opportunity to be with her. Yasmen struggles with the idea of acting on her desires and is unable to picture a clear future with Josiah.

In the car back to the hotel, they discuss the potential expansion. Yasmen says she is comfortable taking on more household management while Josiah launches the restaurant, and they both agree that more money would help support their children’s ambitions in ways their own families could not. When Josiah mentions his first car, the two reminisce about it, including passionate sex in a parking lot. They both stop talking, lost in thoughts of their past.

Josiah and Yasmen order room service. Their children FaceTime them, and Deja immediately notices they are on a hotel bed together—they explain this is only a dinner meeting. Yasmen makes a point of talking to her mother in the sitting room so Carole does not see that they’re sharing a hotel room.

They share their entrees, and Yasmen suggests they open the whiskey. Yasmen says her mother may move near them after her retirement and admits that Carole being closer might have helped her during her grief for Byrd and Henry. Yasmen asks Josiah about his therapy. He confides that Dr. Musa has shown him that he has never learned how to face difficult feelings, likely due to his childhood trauma. Yasmen tells him that therapy has encouraged her to be more compassionate to herself, and Josiah says he is glad. He finds himself asking her if she struggled with suicidal thoughts. When Yasmen says she stayed alive for her children, Josiah tenses and asks if he factored in at all. Yasmen says she has learned to have difficult conversations but is not sure whether he can handle her answer.

Yasmen says she was angry at him, and Josiah assumes she means his absence at the business conference. Yasmen explains that at the time she could not understand the way Josiah was contained and focused on work. Josiah admits that he used work to avoid facing what happened, and Yasmen admits that it must have been difficult for him not to solve her problems as easily as he worked to save the restaurant. Josiah reluctantly admits, “[I]t’s only recently that I realized the one I couldn’t fix was me” (3499).

When Yasmen tries to argue that they have both grown since that time, Josiah points out that they are still divorced. She asks him where he went the night she told him their marriage was over. Josiah pours more whiskey, needing the distraction but ready to face the topic at last.

Josiah explains to Yasmen that he got drunk at Preach’s house. Yasmen apologizes for blaming him for Henry’s death, reminding him they both agreed he could go to California. Josiah confesses that he still imagines himself staying home and Henry being with them as a result. Yasmen admits that she blames herself—she insisted on closing the restaurant and tripped on a floorboard. While she struggled to walk on her sprained ankle, she felt Henry stop moving, and her water broke. She admits that she still feels the ankle pain at night.

Josiah comforts her while she cries, in “the intimacy of sorrow for a life [they] made together and lost” (3550). As they stare at each other, still close to one another, Yasmen has a strong desire to kiss Josiah. She tells him she lied before: She is glad he is single again. They passionately kiss, but Josiah leaves the room, saying he cannot continue. Yasmen realizes he means that passion alone cannot mitigate the broken trust between them.

Yasmen gets in bed while Josiah is in the room’s living area and reproaches herself for her impulsivity. Josiah enters, proposing they have one night together to better manage their unresolved attraction. Yasmen wishes they had gotten counseling and addressed their problems but realizes she will accept his offer.

They kiss once more, and Josiah easily brings Yasmen to orgasm. She is comforted by the return of their usual explosive chemistry, but she’s subdued when she realizes it makes sense for Josiah to use a condom. They have sex once more before dawn breaks, and Yasmen reminds herself that this is truly the end for them.

Yasmen discusses dinner with Kassim but is interrupted by her ringing phone. Mark calls, eager to see her, and offers to bring her family a Christmas tree from his family’s tree nursery. Yasmen reluctantly agrees and suggests he could also stay for dinner.

Mark arrives with an enormous tree. When Mark goes to kiss her, Yasmen stops him, realizing she cannot be with him after her recent time with Josiah. She explains she is not ready, and Mark asks if it is because of Josiah. Yasmen assures Mark he will find someone, and that he has her support for his run for office. After he leaves, Yasmen joins her children for dinner and tells them Mark will not be there.