Beautiful Boy

In 1982, Sheff and his wife, Vicki, have their first child, Nic. They are “enraptured” (23) by him and, as members of “the first generation of self-conscious parents” (24), they “seek out the best” (24) for their son. They shower him with love and care, and he grows into a happy, creative toddler. However, the “apparent idyll distracts us from the looming catastrophe” and, after three years, they “wake up in the harsh light and oppressive chill of a shattering marriage” (26). Sheff “fall[s] in love with a family friend” (26) and breaks off the marriage.

Sheff notes that “[n]o child benefits from the bitterness and savagery of a divorce like ours,” and “Nic is hit hard” (26). They maintain an “informal yo-yo joint-custody arrangement” (26) until Vicki moves to Los Angeles. A child psychologist recommends that Nic live with Sheff in San Francisco and spend “holidays and summers with Vicki in Southern California” (28). 

Nic remains a remarkable, creative child. Sheff is “proud of his confidence and individuality” (29) and his ability to “detect, before most kids, upcoming waves of popular culture” (30). He occasionally “gets in mild trouble” but is mostly “well behaved” (31). A teacher reports that “Nic sometimes seems a little depressed” but “pulls himself out of it and is energetic, involved, fun—a leader in class” (31). 

Nic has a nightmare where “he and his classmates have to submit to vampire checks” that resemble “the lice checks they have during an infestation” (32). Teachers check to see if they have developed fangs, and the “children who are vampires are instantly struck dead with a stake through the heart” (32). Nic says that “it is unfair to the vampires, because they can’t help themselves” (32).

When Sheff’s girlfriend leaves him, “Nic not only has to contend with my despair, but, upon my recovery after many pathetic months, subsequent girlfriends, gifted at some things but not substitute motherhood” (35). Eventually, he takes “a break from dating” (36) for Nic’s sake. However, in 1989, he meets Karen, an artist, and they begin a relationship. After six months, he introduces her to Nic and “they spend hours drawing cartoons” (38). Eventually, she “moves in with us in San Francisco” (38). 

Sheff and Karen marry, and Nic is relieved to find that “[e]verything’s the same” (40). Nic and Karen grow closer; she encourages his artistic talents and joins him in silly word games, much to his delight. Nic calls her “Mama or Mamacita or KB” and, while she “admits that it is not a natural relationship for her,” she also notes that she “‘didn’t know what I was missing’” (42). Sometimes she is less enamored, especially because she is “frequently reminded that a stepmother is not a mother. She has much of the responsibility but not the authority of a parent” (42). 

Although still largely happy, Nic is also “undergoing a fitful transformation, as if a tug of war is being waged inside him” (43). Although he keeps his stuffed toys, “he has taped a Nirvana poster to his bedroom wall” and “is trying on an awkward preteen skulk” (43). Perhaps most significantly, while “he still often reels against conventional habit and taste, more and more he succumbs to peer pressure” (43).

Karen owns “a small cabin in a garden in Inverness” (45) and they visit regularly, enjoying the liberal community and the opportunity to go surfing, something at which Nic quickly excels. Eventually, they “build a home and painting studio in the Inverness hillside garden” (46) and move in just before Nic begins sixth grade. Although initially nervous, Nic takes to his new school and “has essentially one ambition: coming home and being able to say, ‘Dad, I made two new friends today’” (47). 

In 1993, Sheff and Karen have a son, Jasper. Nic “seems enchanted by him” but it is still “complicated for him” (52). Sheff and Nic continue to surf and play guitars together and even go to see Nirvana perform on New Year’s Eve. One day, Nic is “distressed” (53) when he learns that Kurt Cobain, lead singer of the band, committed suicide. 

As Nic moves into seventh grade, he is “increasingly less interested in the carpool kids and instead spends most of his free time with a group of boys with buzzed hair who skateboard, talk about, but do nothing about, girls, and listen to music” (54). He is “into the edgiest music and then grows bored with it” (54) although, “most of all Nic listens to Nirvana” (55). 

One day, Sheff notices that Nic smells of cigarette smoke. Although he first denies smoking, Nic eventually admits that “he had a few puffs with a group of boys who were smoking behind the gymnasium” (55). The next week, while packing Nic an overnight bag, Sheff is surprised to “discover a small bag of marijuana” (55).

When Sheff was young, “drugs were abundant and cheap,” and a “smorgasbord of previously unknown or unavailable drugs flooded our school and our neighborhood like they have flooded America since the mid-60s” (57). In 1968, when Sheff was a high school freshman, he first smoked marijuana. To him, “it seemed harmless, and so I didn’t think twice about trying it again” (57). He soon began smoking it regularly, because it “helped me feel something when I felt almost nothing, helped me block out feelings when I felt too much” (58). 

Sheff notes that “drugs were different then—less potent pot and purer psychedelics” (58). However, this did not make them “safe” (58). There were still “accidents, suicides, and overdoses,” and Sheff still “run[s] into a shocking number of drug casualties from the 1960s and 70s who wander the streets, some of them homeless” (59). Accordingly, Sheff speaks to Nic about drugs from a young age, warning him about the risks. Although “drug counselors tell parents of my generation to lie to our children about our past drug use” (59), Sheff decides to be honest. He “naively believe[s] that if Nic were tempted to try them, he would tell me” but reflects that “I was wrong” (59). 

Sheff is “shaken not only by the discovery that Nic is smoking pot, but by the even more perplexing fact that I had no idea” (61). When Nic says that he has only tried it once before, Sheff wonders if he can trust him, reflecting that “[t]his too is a radically confounding proposition, one that has never crossed my mind. Of course I trust him. He would not lie to me. Would he lie?” (61). 

Sheff and Karen don’t want to overreact, but they don’t want to underreact either (62). They speak to Nic’s teacher, who reports, “‘I have noticed that Nic is being pulled by the students who the others see as cool.’” The teacher reassures them about the marijuana, suggesting, “‘It’s normal. Most kids try it’” (65). Later, Sheff warns Nic that marijuana “‘really can—often does—lead to hard drugs’” (66). He tells Nic he wishes he hadn’t used them himself and warns his son about his own friends whose lives drugs ruined (67).

Sheff begins “to second-guess each of my past decisions, including our move to the country” while also “blam[ing] the divorce” (67) for Nic’s behavior. Eventually, however, he “file[s] away the marijuana bust as an aberration” and, by the time Nic is in eighth grade, “things seem much better” (68). Nic is happy, motivated, and working hard, and “rarely hangs out with the boy who had been (I’m convinced) the worst influence on him” (68). Soon, Nic is extremely excited to be accepted into an exclusive high school and “in the euphoric moment, he concludes: ‘Everything seems pretty great’” (71). Sheff and Karen have a daughter, Daisy. Looking at his three children, Sheff feels “overfull with the knowledge that for this moment they are safe and happy, which is all we parents want” (75).