Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love

“In fact, one of the main messages of this theory is that in romantic situations, we are programmed to act in a predetermined manner.”

Levine and Heller discuss one of the key beliefs of attachment theory: that adults are predestined to behave according to their developed attachment styles. Throughout the book, the authors encourage readers to identify their own attachment styles to gain control over their relationships and find greater satisfaction. The “predetermined manner” of attachment styles suggests a genetic aspect of attachment.

“Psychological approaches can be somewhat vague, leaving plenty of room for interpretation, but this theory managed to provide precise, evidence-based insight into a seemingly one-of-a-kind relationship.”

Using the example of Tamara, Levine and Heller illustrate the advantages of attachment theory in providing specific, focused insight into relationships. They criticize the vague assessments of other psychological approaches and tout the benefits of attachment theory.

“Our emotional brain was handed down to us by Homo sapiens who lived in a completely different era, and it is their lifestyle and the dangers they encountered that our emotions were designed to address. Our feelings and behaviors in relationships today are not very different from those of our early ancestors.”

The authors address the genetic and The Biological Aspects of Attachment and describe the evolutionary origins of attachment style. Throughout their guide, Levine and Heller address the dissonance between evolutionary and modern-day functions of attachment styles. They discuss the benefits of moving toward secure attachment, highlighting the historical benefits of the anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

“We discovered that unlike other relationship interventions that focus mostly either on singles or on existing couples, adult attachment is an overarching theory of romantic affiliation that allows for the development of useful applications for people in all stages of their romantic life.”

Unlike other psychological theories, attachment theory is not limited to a study of only singles or existing couples, and applies to multiple forms of romantic attachment. The authors inform the reader of the widespread application of the theory and its usefulness to encourage trust.

“Getting attached means that our brain becomes wired to seek the support of our partner by ensuring the partner’s psychological and physical proximity.”

Levine and Heller explore the biological elements of attachment and the misconception of codependency. While society promotes a negative view of codependency in romantic relationships, the authors emphasize the research demonstrating the benefits of codependency in secure partnerships. Throughout their guide, Levine and Heller seek to educate their readers about the scientific research related to relationships and to dispel misconceptions.

“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs. When their emotional needs are met, and the earlier the better, they usually turn their attention outward. This is sometimes referred to in attachment literature as the ‘dependency paradox’: The more effectively dependent people are on one another, the more independent and daring they become.”

Levine and Heller define the dependency paradox, which describes the complex relationship between dependence and independence in relationships. A paradox is a seemingly contradictory statement that expresses a truth, and portrays the conflict between assumption and truth. In this case, the paradox is that emotional dependence on a partner, where needs are being fulfilled, leads to greater individual autonomy and courage. In their guide, the authors seek to educate readers and uncover the truth of attachment styles to empower partners.

“Our partner regulates our blood pressure, our heart rate, our breathing, and the levels of hormones in our blood. We are no longer separate entities. The emphasis on differentiation that is held by most of today’s popular psychology approaches to adult relationships does not hold water from a biological perspective. Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.”

The authors describe the regulating effects that happen in close proximity to a romantic partner. They use the collective “our” and “we” to demonstrate the universal experience of dependency that intimacy elicits. Levine and Heller use a euphemism, “does not hold water,” comparing popular psychological approaches to a leaky container with cracks while uplifting the biological evidence that supports attachment theory.

“If we had to describe the basic premise of adult attachment in one sentence, it would be: If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, find the right person to depend on and travel down it with that person.”

To summarize the main tenets of attachment theory, Levine and Heller portray life as a journey toward happiness, and intimate partners as companions that facilitate that journey. They redefine the idea that relationships are limiting partnerships, arguing that they are instead freeing collaborations that allow an individual to thrive. Throughout their guide, Levine and Heller use the imagery of a road and journey to describe one’s development.

“Having a partner who is inconsistently available or supportive can be a truly demoralizing and debilitating experience that can literally stunt our growth and stymie our health.”

Levine and Heller underline the negative effects of insecure attachments. Their diction, “demoralizing” and “debilitating,” communicate the deleterious and widespread impact of insecure relationships. They employ alliteration here by repeating consonant sounds and when using the words “stunt” and “stymie.”

“Knowing your specific attachment profile will help you understand yourself better and guide you in your interactions with others. Ideally this will result in more happiness in your relationships.”

The authors state that an understanding of one’s attachment style will improve one’s life and partnerships. As the guide progresses, Levine and Heller provide evidence to support the significance of understanding one’s attachment style and the power that this unlocks. The direct, declarative prose in the above quote exemplifies the style of Levine and Heller’s guide.

“Understanding attachment will change the way you perceive new people you meet, but it will also give you surprising insight into your partner if you are already in a relationship.”

Levine and Heller argue that attachment theory applies to both those searching for partners and to those already in relationships. Their use of “will” conveys the confidence they display throughout their guide; they promise change in the reader’s life if the reader applies the tenets of attachment theory.

“In dating situations, your thinking will shift from ‘Do they like me?’ to ‘Is this someone I should invest in emotionally? Are they capable of giving me what I need?’ Going forward with a relationship will become about choices you have to make.”

The Possibility of Change underlines the book. Levine and Heller argue that readers’ thoughts will transform when applying attachment theory to their lives, and that attachment theory will empower readers to become secure.

“This is an important lesson for someone with an anxious attachment style: If you just wait a little longer before reacting and jumping to conclusions, you will have an uncanny ability to decipher the world around you and use it to your advantage. But shoot from the hip, and you’re all over the place making misjudgments and hurting yourself.”

In an address to anxious partners, Levine and Heller highlight the benefits of applying attachment theory to relationships. They propose that the application of attachment theory will provide anxious partners an advantage in their relationships. Throughout the book, they promote the ability for every person to change and achieve greater life satisfaction.

“The more attuned you are to your partner’s needs at the early stages—and they to yours—the less energy you will need to expend attending to them later.”

Levine and Heller outline the cause and effect of establishing secure attachment in the early stages of a relationship. By juxtaposing “more” and “less,” they illustrate the positive effects of secure attachment. For greater rhetorical impact, they use logos to persuade the reader of the timesaving, effective elements of their theory and its application.

“If you’ve been at it for a while, you become programmed to get attracted to those very individuals who are least likely to make you happy. Having a perpetually activated attachment system is the opposite of what nature had in mind for us in terms of gratifying love.”

Levine and Heller discuss the negative impact of natural attraction between anxious and avoidant partners. Their use of the word “programmed” conveys The Biological Aspects of Attachment, and how individuals must go beyond these to learn and apply new ways of connection. The authors touch upon the complicated evolutionary development of attachment styles and the need to revise them in the context of the modern world.

“Because you are used to equating an activated attachment system with love, you conclude that this can’t be ‘the one’ because no bells are going off. You associate a calm attachment system with boredom and indifference. Because of this fallacy you might let the perfect partner pass you by.”

Levine and Heller describe the commonplace rejection of secure partners by individuals with an anxious attachment style. They explore the misinterpretation of an activated attachment system, which convinces anxious partners that secure partners provide no passionate connection. The use of second person “you” addresses the reader directly and heightens the severity of their warning.

“The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way; you don’t have to be a slave to evolutionary forces. You can learn what does not come naturally to you and improve your chances at developing a rewarding relationship.”

Offering anxious partners an opportunity to break free from the evolutionary forces of attachment, Levine and Heller promise the reward of a healthy, secure relationship. They use the word “slave” to describe anxious partners, conveying the involuntary and negative experiences that anxious partners have in search of freedom from insecure attachments. The phrase “you can” speaks directly to the reader and exudes the authors’ belief in The Possibility of Change.

“You are not settling by going secure! Secures come in all shapes and forms. Many are good-looking and sexy. Whether plain or gorgeous, we’ve learned to appreciate them all for what they really are—the ‘supermates’ of evolution—and we hope that you will too.”

Levine and Heller describe the attractive qualities of secure partners. They address the reader directly through the use of the second person “you” and emphasize the importance of what they are saying through the use of an exclamation point. Here, Levine and Heller attempt to influence anxious partners to realign their attachment styles and seek out fulfilling relationships with secure partners.

“When the two people in a couple have colliding intimacy needs, their relationship is likely to become more of a storm-tossed voyage than a safe haven.”

Levine and Heller use metaphors, where something is compared to something else without using “like” or “as,” to help readers visualize the difference between secure and insecure attachments. In this case, they compare the tumultuous relationship between anxious and avoidant partners to a “storm-tossed voyage” versus the “safe haven” of a secure relationship.

“Perhaps one of the most intriguing findings in adult attachment research is that attachment styles are stable but plastic. This means that they tend to stay consistent over time, but they can also change.”

Levine and Heller compare attachment styles to plastic to illustrate their durable but malleable nature. Throughout the guide, Levine and Heller convey their belief in The Possibility of Change to motivate readers and encourage them to apply attachment theory to their own lives.

“When you build a secure relationship, both individuals win: If you are the anxious partner, you get the closeness you crave, and if you’re the avoidant partner, you’ll enjoy much more of the independence you need.”

The authors promote the benefits of a secure relationship for both anxious and avoidant partners. They contend that secure relationships provide anxious partners with desired intimacy and avoidant partners with their desired independence. Again, they express The Importance of Understanding Attachment Styles.

“As always with effective communication, you win either way.”

Levine and Heller investigate the benefits of effective and direct communication. They address anxious partners, and attempt to convince them of these benefits. They also explore the claim that open communication can lead to rejection by emphasizing the benefits provided by gaining insight into a partner’s attachment style.

“Adult attachment theory has proven time and again that when it comes to attachment style, we’re malleable. And it’s never too late to learn new relationship skills.”

To reiterate The Possibility of Change, Levine and Heller repeat the claim that insecure partners are capable of moving toward a secure attachment style. They underscore the significance of learned relationship skills and the impact their application can have on relationships, supporting the inclusion of skill-building exercises throughout the guide.