A Tale Of A Tub

The narrator regrets that he omitted to discuss and laud his “good lords the critics” (63), so he will describe them and their art. There are three different types of critics: the man who understands his position in a literal way—“to praise and to acquit” (64); the man who restores ancient manuscript; and the true critic, the heroic who puts himself on the line to speak the truth. It is this true critic, who, after speaking to inform the public, should then kill himself. This hero, whose job is “to peruse and hunt those monstrous faults bred within [writing]; to drag out the lurking errors” (66) does humanity’s dirty work and should be lauded for it before disappearing. The narrator goes on to point out that the critic “is a discoverer and collector of writers’ faults” (66) and has the ability to assess that writers just take the bad ideas of other writers and regurgitate them. 

The narrator asserts that though others will have the world believe that criticism is modern, it is actually a very ancient practice. He gives the example of Herodotus, who uses a hieroglyph to determine that asses with horns occupy Western Libya, surely evidence that he is using the asses as an allegory for critics. It is obvious that these ancient writers had to refer to the critics in such a way to disguise contempt and not infuriate them. Indeed, experienced critics were once young and cut their teeth on small theatre productions before going after larger game. He thinks that prologues are a result of these critics, who have scared authors into being more precise. In fact, it is difficult for a writer to be free of the critic. The critic is like a mirror, and the author must use this mirror to correct his writing. 

There are three maxims that define a critic. The first is that “[criticism] is ever held the truest and best when it is the very first result of the critic’s mind” (74). The second is that critics tend to be attracted to the “noblest writers” (74) like rats to cheese. The third suggests that a critic is “like a dog at a feast” (74), grabbing at bones and upset when there are not any to gnaw at. All these maxims underscore the idea that critics are drawn to good writing but delight in finding even the smallest flaws in it. For his part, the narrator hopes that the critics will treat him well.

The narrator turns back to the story of the brothers, although he tells readers that they will not recognize the hero. In fact, Peter tells his brothers that he will now go by “Lord Peter” and claims to be his father’s sole heir. He begins to discover new ideas and invent machines. Lord Peter even buys a continent, sells it, and then sells it again and again. He then develops a way to rid oneself of worms via the brain. In addition, he invents a way for people full of hot air to relieve themselves of wind through an ass’s ears. He even develops puppet shows. Finally, he has his own species of bull descended from the Golden Fleece. Peter also offers pardons to people who are going to hang in exchange for a fee. After receiving the money, Peter sends along a paper commanding that they let the prisoner go or “Goddamn you and yours to all eternity” (82). This does not appear as an effective pardon.

Peter makes a lot of money with all these schemes but overstresses his imagination and becomes distracted, and even mad. He begins to think he is the “monarch of the universe” (83). He kicks his brothers’ wives out of their homes and makes them take up with the first women out walking in the street. He also deprives Jack and Martin of food and when he does gives them food, he makes them eat loaves of bread and tells them that it’s mutton. (This is an example of transubstantiation.) When the eldest brother politely makes the point that the food is not mutton, but bread, Peter bridles at the accusation that the food is not what he says it is. Indeed, Peter always believes that he is right, to the point where he creates his own reality. 

However, the other two brothers grow irritated and do some digging into the text of the will. They discover that they are equal heirs. They send for their actual wives and try to oust Peter. He comes back with “a file of dragoons at his heels” (89) and kicks them out of the house.