101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think

Wiest argues that every culture accepts as truth certain things that are not actually objective. Once accepted as truth, humans are no longer capable of seeing it as cultural or subjective. The author argues that planning to be happy in a future that is inherently unpredictable makes it difficult to achieve happiness. What one ends up experiencing is something different, and maybe even better, but it is foreign and therefore perceived as emotionally “bad.” Wiest dispels what she considers misconceptions: that happiness is a place at which to arrive and that fear or pain are bad emotions. She states that people create unnecessary problems and barriers in their lives as an avoidance technique. Ultimately, to change one’s life, one must change beliefs and be willing to face problems. A person is not defined by their past since their past is not defined but ever-changing based on how a person views it. If a person wants to change their life, they must first change themselves.

This essay argues that routine creates a person’s mood and that mood determines happiness. Patterns of thought, which can be curated through routine, determine a person’s mood. People can control their daily decisions so that they are intentional rather than based on fear or impulse. Wiest argues that happiness is determined not by new experiences but by experiencing all things in new ways. Routine can minimize anxiety and fear of the unknown long enough that a person can enjoy their life. It can create a feeling of purpose for adults and a feeling of safety for kids. Without routine, fear pushes a person to change course rather than see fear for what it is, a healthy emotional investment in the outcome.

Wiest asserts that emotional intelligence is undervalued but vital for happiness. She states that emotionally intelligent people see their emotions as responses to stimuli, not absolute truths, that are fully tied to them rather than caused by someone else. Emotionally intelligent people do not let fear deter them from experiences in their lives because they know there will be good and bad in every experience. They know that happiness only exists as compared to other emotions, and they let themselves feel all of them, knowing they are all temporary.

Wiest begins by stating that it is more comfortable to believe that once you love someone, you will love them forever. In the same way that people are inexplicably compelled by one another, they become strangers again for equally mysterious reasons. There is a lack of control in relationships that you cannot understand until it’s over, if ever.

Wiest argues that socially intelligent people can express themselves honestly without making others uncomfortable. They can take criticism, see nuance, hold space for change, speak honestly using “I” statements, know that most things aren’t about them, validate other people’s feelings without validating their ideas, and see themselves in their feelings about others. They do not emotionally invest in unproductive arguments, they listen without thinking of a response, they are thoughtful about what they post online, and they don’t see themselves as the holder of some objective truth. Most importantly, they know that their relationships with others are projections of their relationship to themselves.

Wiest states that negative feelings are not things to run away from. Here, the author lists some feelings that indicate a person is moving in the right direction. These feelings include reliving childhood struggles (this indicates they are changing), feeling lost (this means they are living in the present rather than stuck to a narrative), and struggling to focus and organize (this means they are using their creative, emotional side of the brain more frequently). The list also includes emotions arising without control, scattered sleep patterns, life-changing events, a need to be alone, vividly dreaming, plans collapsing, fear of one’s own thoughts, uncertainty about one’s identity, recognizing painful truths, a desire to speak up for oneself, and realizing that the only person responsible for one’s life is oneself.

Wiest states that the mark of emotional maturity is the ability to feel all feelings, even those that are uncomfortable. If the worst thing that can happen is a feeling, it cannot be that bad. Wiest argues that all suffering is refusal to accept the current moment. Numbness is not feeling nothing; numbness is feeling so many things that one is unable to process them. Every feeling is worthwhile, and every feeling gives one information. To ignore them or wish them away is to go backward and please others. Without feeling all of them, one feels none of them and quickly loses direction.

Here Wiest teases out what people tend to think of as their identity versus what people tend to think of as their possessions. Organs are possessions, but feelings are identity. She explains this by saying that humans are inclined to attach themselves to narratives (“Will you love me forever?”) rather than daily life (daily love). People like the idea of things more than the thing itself.

Here Wiest lists 20 things for which people do not usually congratulate themselves. This includes paying bills; questioning oneself; and having a job, food to eat, clothes to wear, and time to enjoy oneself. This includes having friends and small privileges like buying coffee. It includes changing as a person even a little, doing anything solely for enjoyment, curiosity, having a space of one’s own, experiencing loss, having a goal, allowing flexibility, and acting with resilience.

Wiest argues that people struggle to reach real happiness because human brains are programmed to reach for something they have already experienced. The “upper limit” is how much happiness one feels comfortable with already. Beyond this limit, people begin to feel uncomfortable because it’s novel and self-sabotage. When people act out of desire for approval, they cut themselves off once they reach a certain point of success. People want the comfort of what they know, even if it doesn’t make them happy. They believe that achieving happiness means they are no longer reaching their goals. They also believe that negative feelings, including loss, are things to avoid rather than appreciate as the reason life has meaning. It is easier to think of happiness because of circumstances that one cannot control because it eliminates emotional labor. People are also fighting against the belief that suffering makes them worthy of happiness or that being happy is naive or delusional.

Wiest states that there are three kinds of happiness—happiness of pleasure, happiness of grace, and happiness of excellence. Here, she breaks down the purpose of pursuing and working toward something meaningful, which in turn gives a person identity and a certain pleasure. This gives a person the happiness of excellence. The happiness of pleasure is like enjoying a meal or the sun on one’s skin. Without all three kinds, there is no balance.

Wiest argues that procrastination is a vehicle of fear and anxiety. Work is never going to feel good immediately, but it feels good in the long term and pushes out the feelings that make us afraid to start it.

Here Wiest lists 101 thoughts, which she suggests as worthy alternative thoughts for readers who feel consumed by an obsessive thought. These suggestions include a combination of gratitude prompts; reflection about oneself; reflection about one’s wants, needs, and reactions; and appreciation of the wonder of the world.

Wiest identifies expectations that she says are platitudes told to children in Western societies: “You can be anything you want,” for example. She makes it clear that a person must give up on some things in order to grow, like ending struggle, a destined arrival, or the need to control everything in one’s life. To give up on these expectations means to be open to bigger, more satisfying occurrences in life.

Wiest asserts that when a person thinks they do not know what to do with their life, that means they have given up on the daily question of what they want at this moment. Wiest argues that this second question is the more difficult because it is more meaningful.

Wiest explores the phenomenon of “naive realism,” which refers to the assumption that one’s impression of life is objective and accurate. The biases that lead here are the following:

• Projection: The world is not as it is, it is as you are.
• Extrapolation: Any given moment is expanded to others.
• Anchoring: The first truth is the ultimate truth.
• Negativity: Tragic events are fascinating to the brain and therefore take up more space.
• Conservatism: It is more difficult to accept new information than to believe what one already thinks.
• Clustering illusion: People can find patterns when they want to.
• Confirmation: People only take in information that confirms their preexisting worldview.
• Choice-supportive: People only accept information that confirms that the decision they made was a good one.

Wiest argues that emotionally strong people let feelings pass, let others feel, let themselves change, and are honest about who they are.

Wiest argues that negative emotions can affect people much longer than physical feelings because of the way the brain works. Again, she notes that fear is a sign of curiosity and that one cannot feel happiness without having the capacity to feel other more challenging emotions. She asserts that stress can kill you and that social media doesn’t help. Seeking numbness does not work.

Wiest writes that factors include the people one spends time around, the media one consumes, the narratives that exist in one’s head regarding food and exercise and what’s normal, and the impact of past romantic relationships. She ends by noting the body’s purpose, which is to move, laugh, and experience feelings, none of which require looking a certain way to others.

These goals encourage the reader to focus on and appreciate what is already there—their body, a friend, a family member, their current job, or the things they already own. Rather than searching for new friends, jobs, things, or experiences, the author recommends that the reader savor the ones they already have.